Everyone dresses up like skanks.

It started to get really ridiculous in the 90′s and, now, it’s just gotten worse and worse.  The girls lead the pack when it comes to provacative outfits but, increasingly, the guys are following suit.  I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I live in Chicago which includes Boystown, the main gayborhood within the city, where every Halloween you can be certain to see an endless parade of male and female flesh popping out at all angles.  Some people find it obnoxious and annoying.  Bumping into an infinite number of 20-something trixies made up as Sexy Little Bo Peep, Sexy Strawberry Shortcake, Sexy Cat, Sexy Angel, Sexy Devil, Sexy Alice in Wonderland, Sexy Dorothy Gale, etc., etc. can be exhausting.  Maybe for some people, but not for me.  I truly enjoy staring at everyone looking like sluts because it just seems more natural and fun.  Plus, I’m a huge pervert so that kind of helps.

What makes Halloween truly impressive, to me, is what it unleashes within the male psyche.  It’s difficult to tell the difference between the gay boys and the straight ones.  Many girls’ boyfriends will go in drag and other “completely hetero” guys will appear in some suspiciously revealing costumes and will encourage being molested by their straight (enough) buddies throughout the evening.  And it will seem like a joke until the fondling continues on past the 20-second grace period and re-emerges throughout the evening.  Things can get weird.

“No homo”?  Well, not on Halloween.  Halloween these days has a very murky sexual fluidity to it and it’s completely fantastic.  Yes homo.

I hate calling myself a spiritual person because I tend to want to smack the shit out of spiritual people.  But I still have faint traces of spirituality (even typing that word makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit) and I recognize that Halloween serves as a time of literal and personal harvest, of memorial, and end-of-year reflection.  It also serves as a subversive death festival which our culture needs (we have some serious death-denial issues going on, especially in America).  I hate admitting it but I am a reflective person and autumn brings out the best (and worst) in me.

We Americans can only deal with a certain amount of reflection, seriousness, and darkness however.  Enough is enough!  So we turned our death festival into a fucked up fertility festival while we were at it.  It may be tempting to believe that Halloween is “meant for the kids” which it never truly was if you’re willing to scratch the surface–usually, in our culture, we take that out when we’re looking to explore something absurd while attempting to avoid the risk of embarassment.  Halloween may be a time for kids in some respects but, let’s face it, it’s also an excuse for adults to hang up paper skulls on their doors and parade around in kinky roleplay outfits.

Go out on Halloween, to any place of partying and adult congregation, and this will be brutally evident.  Cassie from Human Resources wants to show the world that she’d make a really saucy Laura Croft.  So here she is with countless Becky’s, Jennifers, and Brianna’s strutting around like we’re trapped in red light district sponsored by Walt Disney.  And all the hot and semi-hot guys want to wear hot pants and weird wigs.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

Is Halloween the time when we see the real you?  Are you trying to tell us that your secret self is actually a whorish-looking cyborg?  Maybe we should have known all along.

Whether you want to celebrate it as a candlelit bummer/mope-fest, a tacky excuse for rubber spiders, or as your one-night chance to wear fetish outfits and be an exhibitionist, All Hallow’s Eve is everyone’s best hope for personal expression.  I see it as insightful and honest.  But maybe that’s being too serious….

What does a Dom wear on Halloween?  This year I’m going as an animal cracker werewolf.  What that says about me is anyone’s guess.

Paraffin wax is a soft kind of wax that is most typically used during this kind of play.  Undoubtably, you’ve noticed how the material within those tall, cylindrical catholic prayer votives is soft and squishy, much different from upright table candles.  That’s paraffin: almost putty-like, pliable, and full of air bubbles.  This type of wax melts at a signifigantly lower temperature when compared to taper candles which are the upright, rod candles that fit into candle sticks and candelabras.  Paraffin wax is less painful upon impact with skin.  It causes a relatively mellow jolt of heat when it’s dripped or puddled on flesh.  It’s not a huge deal.  If your play partner/submissive has very sensitive skin or gets freaked out by wax application, then you need to be especially cautious and considerate.

There was one particular Master, who I would session with as a co-Dom, that was very passionate about wax application with paraffin candles.  He would take a number of religious votive candles, of many colors, and drip them all at different points on top of the submissive’s body.  This created a rainbow mess of swirling wax that was a play on sensation for the participant but, also, was humiliating and intimidating for them without causing any real sort of signifigant pain.  It was extremely cool to watch.  Afterwards, the wax is peeled off the skin followed by a shower to remove the remaining traces.  Maybe the skin is a little bit rosy afterwards but that’s about the extent of it for most people.  With paraffin, the Dom can apply a lot of wax, in large amounts, on the slave with ease and cautious safety.  It’s also extremely messy, requires a paint tarp (or something along those lines) to protect the space, it’s high-maintenance.  I’ve seen kinksters place Saran Wrap on top of exposed flesh before paraffin wax play in order to:

1.) keep the heat impact but

2.) avoid the stickiness/messiness removal if everything doesn’t end up peeling away easily

Another option is to put lotion on the skin to make the wax removal easier.  That’s always a good idea too but, obviously, it may require a shower afterward anyway.  Be creative and sensible.

I prefer to use taper candles (those upright, rod candles) when doing wax play.  Why? In my opinion, paraffin wax is kind of “cute” and doesn’t cause enough pain.  When I’m applying candle wax onto my submissive, I want it to be in precise, targeted bites of heat like falling needles.  To me, those puddles and splashes of paraffin wax are too messy and require a certain kind of idealized space to work within.  Plus there’s the need for a tarp.  What if I don’t have time to go to the store to buy a paint tarp?  I’m an extremely busy Dom with a tight schedule.  Cleaning gear after a session usually takes at least 30-45 minutes afterwards and I have enough stuff to do……

Taper candles melt in drips that, with a little bit of skill, can be aimed at very specific parts of the human body and in controlled quantities.  These are the kind of wax drips that cause jumps and a bit of dread for the submissive.  I like being able to count and control the exact amount of drips heading towards the slave.  Many drips for the brave souls, less drips for the more sensitive ones.  My favorite way to remove wax?  Ice.

No matter what kind of wax you decide to you use for your adventures, wax play should never be done around the head and eyes (of course) nor should it be used wrecklessly or to plug any orifices.  It’s strictly for the wide expanses of the body and the outer areas–think the back, the shoulders, the buttocks, the chest, the nipples, carefully with the outer genitalia, etc.

The other issue, clearly, is that you’re dealing with fire.  Don’t get too close to your slave’s body with the fire (unless you’re doing fire play which means that you’re highly experienced/skilled and that you’re submissive is fully aware and willing, etc.  We’ll save the subject of fire play for some other article…..).  Always keep the fire at a distance.  Don’t burn anyone’s hair or clothing (including yours).  Only do wax play if you’re 100% focused and lucid.  Don’t do it if you’re tired.  Once you’re finished always blow out the candles.  The best way to get good at wax play is to find an ethusiastic submissive and put in a good amount of practice.

Lately, discussions that I’ve had with others relate to differerent interpretations of BDSM. Books and articles that I’ve read address this issue as well. A repeated theme, for whatever reason, keeps appearing.

What is BDSM? What isn’t BDSM? What rules do you have to follow in order to say “Yes, this is BDSM”?

Does it have to involve leather or some kind of kink-wear? Does someone have to be bound or restrained in some capacity? Must it involve pain or simulated “punishment”?

No one seems to agree on much of anything, which may be the one of the core strengths of the BDSM community. For many participants, the classic/stereotypical approach is taken in the sense that yes, indeed, there are the whips, cuffs, boots, and the rest of the predictable paraphernalia involved. But what if someone wants to do high heel worship on their Mistress, while she sits in a chair wearing a vintage wedding dress, followed by a good round of old fashioned fucking? Maybe that’s what a couple of my friends bragged about doing this weekend….(good job, you two–it sounds weird and strangely hot). And their question was: Was that BDSM? Was it kink? Or was it just sex with a couple of extra ingredients?

It’s all open to interpretation. Worship was involved. Fetishistic elements were involved. One person was in control while the other person played submissive. Then the control dynamic flip-flopped. No one, according to them, was tied up or spanked. Isn’t kink and BDSM under the same tent nowadays? Sort of?

I would argue that any sensual adventure, with experimental and prop elements involved, could be considered kink. Because kink is fetish. And fetish always goes along with BDSM. That didn’t used to be the case but now it is. Go to any dungeon party or kink event and see the wide variety and interpretations that are out there. Everyone sees things differently.

Who says that you need to have ropes and riding crops? There is no rule book. The old ways, which were overly pissy and restrictive, have crumbled in favor of a more inclusive defintion of “leather” (literal or figurative) and sadomasochistic control.

Do you want it to be kinky and taboo? Then it is. Perhaps what is kinky/taboo to you is weak and vanilla to a harder player but who cares? They don’t have to play along if they don’t like it. Every scene is yours for the making between yourself and your partner(s).

A common mode of thinking in the BDSM community nowadays is that the bigger the tent, the better the circus. I agree. The variety of ideas and perceptions of what encompasses BDSM and kink feeds into the strength of the community. The more shared ideas that are out there, the richer the feast. The more you are exposed to and understand, the better off you are. For some people, BDSM means heavy leather and hardcore abuse. For others, kink play may mean a little bit of exhibitionism, a wedding dress, and some high heels. Why not?

If you want to get very technical and specific, then yes there is a difference between fetish and S&M but less and less people seem to care anymore. To me, that’s progress. This all-inclusiveness has allowed the BDSM community to continue to grow as the years go on.

Don’t ever believe that in order to go to a kink event, that you need to be head-to-toe in traditional bondage gear. If you don’t want your Master or Mistress to tie you up, then you’re no less worthy a slave. If punishment, in no way, involves spanking for you then you’re not a weak submissive–it just means that you follow your own interests. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Traditions are meant to be smashed and rules are meant to be broken.

The BDSM culture? It’s yours. Redefine it to your own tastes and fantasies. The notions of kink, leather, fetish, and S&M are not sacred and fixed. If they were, that would completely defeat the purpose of transcendence.

I think that it’s impossible for the kink community to weaken by variety. There will always be those strong, heavier players (along with the lighter players) present to keep things leaning towards the dark and mysterious. Like a gene pool, the more varied the strains, the healthier the tribe is.

You think of people tied at the feet, knees, wrists, and elbows on a bed.  Or maybe you think of someone sexy bound to a chair.  Chances are that the ropes look like something that you’d find off of a ship since the the ropes typically used in rope play tend to be white or black, mid-width synthetics. When it comes down to it, BDSM kinksters can be surprisingly traditional.

I like to use ropes during sessions too (sometimes) but I favor stronger absolutes.  I’m an impatient person.  If a bondage arrangement takes me longer than three or so minutes to create, I probably won’t be interested.

My idea of bondage stems from cartoons, action films, and 1940′s film noir.  Those images established a quick, ultra-functional approach to tying someone down.  It was ugly, useful, and done immediately as would be the case if someone was actually abducted to be bound since, naturally, there would be an element of rebellion and struggle involved.  When I’m sessioning, I love to feel that the bondage is relatively plausible meaning that the captive most likely wasn’t asked if he or she would be kind enough to stand just so while the abductor took their sweet time to immobilize them.

I love metal, locks, and straps.  You don’t argue with them, you can’t slip out of them, and they won’t accept fussiness.  They’re either there or they’re not.  The lock is either in place or it isn’t.  Chains, especially, are quick, dirty, and functional which is exactly how I like bondage play.

The only thing that the Master or Mistress of the scene needs to be aware of is making sure that the correct keys to the locks are always within reach.  Lost keys can lead to bad situations, obviously.

I love the sound of chains clinking and clunking when binding a slave up.  It establishes a faintly medieval vibe and pushes that aura of inescapablility and punishment.  Chains are immediately associated with authority, access, and metalic strength.  If it’s man vs. chain, you know automatically who will win.  None of us are Superman.

Pet stores are the best due to the fact that their chains are pre-cut to reasonable, workable, and appropriate lengths for BDSM play.  Their short chains and long chains that are neither too short or overly long.  Hardware stores come in close second and are perfect if you find yourself desiring very specific lengths.

Everyone likes their bondage to reflect their unique tastes. Everyone has their own ways of doing things–just like making coffee.  BDSM is the same.  To me, nothing is more perfect than the sound of a riding crop hitting soft flesh immediately followed by the jangle of metal links, creating a classic combination of sound textures that are instantly and universally recognizable.  Plus, I know that when I want to capture or release a slave, I can do so in no time at all which is ideal for an impatient Master like myself.

And, with chains, is there any opportunity for the slave to escape?  Nope, not a chance.  The submissive if forced to have faith that their Master or Mistress will be relatively merciful…

To me, more specifically, Scheduling Is Everything – but I’ll discuss BDSM in general rather than get to the nitty-gritty of my personal life.

I’m a big believer in the 10-Minute Rule.  What I mean by this is that, in most cases, it’s best to do one particular activity (for example: spanking, nipple torture, electro play, etc.) and then move on to another one.  Give or take 10-minutes, depending on how the parties involved favor individual activities.  When it comes to extreme favorites and number one fetishes, then that length of time should be obviously extended – go for 20 minutes, a half hour, or even an hour or more on one activity if the time and passion are present.

If you’re trying something out, something new you’re not sure you and/or your partner will enjoy, it’s best to start out on that activity using a 2 or 3-minute time frame.  That gives you just enough time to say “yes, we did it and we tried it thoroughly,” allowing sensations to sink in and psychologically process without overdoing it to the point of someone getting bored, grossed out, or hurt by an unfavorable activity.  If you end up loving an activity, then you can continue along with it.

In my opinion, the dependable and safe amount of time for favored individual BDSM activities is 10 minutes each unless the submissive requests otherwise.  It’s just enough time to dive into an individual scene completely but not enough time to allow redundancy or boredom.

Often times, with bondage slaves, their eyes are bigger than their stomaches in the sense that they think (in their fantasies) that they can handle a certain kind of scene longer than they actually can.  For example, hearing a slave say that they want to be kept in a dog cage for an entire day should be taken with an extreme grain of salt.  A slave may insist “Really! I really want to be kept in a cage for 24 hours! I know that I’d love it and I know that I can handle it!” but then, after 15 minutes, they realize that the sitting or knealing in cramped conditions causes — you guessed it — cramps.  Or whatever.  Every once in a while, I’ll give someone exactly what they asked for just to prove that they don’t truly want it.  As a Dom, it’s part of my job to be a dick sometimes.

Rather than getting frustrated with some slaves, I’m at the point where I usually know how to translate their verbalized desires into realistic scenes.  Like everything else in life, if something sounds exaggerated and unrealistic, it probably is.  The same rule applies to BDSM timing.  If the slave says that they want to kept in a dog cage for an entire day, I immediately translate that to 25 minutes.  If they can go for an hour or two, then I’m definitely impressed.  We take it as it goes.  Needless to say, you must check in on your slave at intervals as the scene continues along.  Leaving them completely alone, in bondage, is a big fat NO and completely out of the question.

The perfect length for a full out, full meal BDSM session is anywhere from 1 to 3 hours, going from scene to scene, activity to activity.  It all depends on who you’re sessioning with.  There are some slaves who love a quick, 45-minute blast of S&M and that’s that for them for the day.  Other slaves can handle 5 hour sessions without blinking.  Everyone is different.

Here’s something to take with you….

If you’re a typical guy or gal and you’re into BDSM and your partner is into BDSM and they want to do some bondage play with you but they’re being coy and unspecific about what they want to do and how they want to go about it, just fall back on this:

An hour or so of play time and, when in doubt, indulging in one activity for about 10 minutes before moving on to another activity.  That’s safe and no one will argue with you for that.  Adjust the time lengths accordingly depending on your favorites and the favorites of your partner.  There you go.

Should you watch the clock?  Should you be overly invested in time management during what is supposed to be free-wheeling fun?

No, of course not.  You can feel time without looking at numbers.  You just go with what feels right, natural, and hot.  That’s all that there is to it.  However, it’s best not to linger or get frozen in particular activities to the point where it’s feeling stale or someone is getting sore.  When in doubt, leave them wanting more.  Or requesting more, for that matter.

But if you need to fall back on anything having to do with pacing a bondage session and you’re not sure what to do or how to progress a scene with your partner, relying on around 10 minutes (or less) per activity is a reasonable bet.  Be sure to try out new things and always play safe.

I realize that this is the most generalized timing approach to BDSM, but it’s a good foundation to adjust according to your liking.  S&M kinksters, especially those starting out, can get easily flustered by pacing issues with new play partners and this is meant to help you out a little.

I spend a lot of time doing my usual BDSM sessions but, every once in a while, a photo session pops up.

I don’t do anything porny.  It’s not my thing.  I like artfully done BDSM and fetish photography much more along the lines of those old, retro Bettie Page photos or vintage gay leather shots.  Provacative but…..subdued.  Rated R at most.

People appreciate the work on my blog (and on my site) so they send me messages sometimes like: “Hello, Master Aiden, I like the photos on your site. Can you do some for me, too?”

And then I say: “Sure, c’mon over!”

And that’s that.

But since I love doing those kinds of photos for people because I find it fun, relaxing, etc. and it gives me a chance to do directing, lighting, and software experiments.  It’s always a pleasure since it lets me be an art dork and a voyeur at the same time.

Any chance I can get to embrace my inner Mapplethorpe/Arbus/Witkin/Warhol, etc. I’ll go for it! Time and scheduling allowing, of course.  These photo sessions usually take me about an hour or so (I like to work quick and dirty–too much fussiness drives me nuts).

I stumbled into doing it accidentally, I deeply enjoy it, and now the option is there for Chicago kinksters and whoever is here visiting.

For pro’s (Masters, Mistresses, performers, escorts, etc.), I’ll do it for free.

For those who are not pro’s, I have a “pay what you will” policy in place. Because I love doing it, I’d probably do it for free for those who are strapped for cash but, if they want to toss me a few bills, why not?

I have Office Hours in place for visiting scenesters and prospective clients.  If there are Office Hours with no scheduled visitations, then those timeslots are always perfect for photo shoots.  Spending a Sunday morning photographing a drag queen in bondage is much better than reading the comics, you know what I mean?  It makes life much more interesting.

Obviously, the subjects can’t bring anything illegal to shoots.  No drugs and all of those brave souls stepping in front of the camera  must be at least 25 years of age.  Common sense stuff.

Overall, I love doing artistically-inclined bondage, fetish, and BDSM photography.  It’s never boring plus it allows me to try out new technical and aesthetic approaches (which helps me in my non-BDSM creative endeavors).

So, if you’re ever visiting ChiTown and you want to be photographed in your newest gimp mask, you know who to email.

The other night I was thinking to myself that it can be hard to find a clear, solid, concise list of general sites for kink lifestylers. I decided to create one that I put on my personal Master Aiden blog. Like I said, it’s more for Chicago people, but maybe you’ll enjoy it as well even if you’re not here in the same city with me.

Rather than having infinite choices (and we know that the Internet provides those for us, for better and for worse) sometimes it is better to reign things in and go for the best that’s out there as of now.

The resources given below are dependable. For example, one time I ordered a pair of leather boots for $175 from an unreliable online retailer, but I never got them. By providing the names of places and sites that are trustworthy, hopefully you’ll avoid the same thing. They’re the stores and sites that I go to, order from, and frequent.

So here we go.

Overall, there are many places to find great BDSM gear both in The Windy City and online.  Chicago is a BDSM city— no doubts about that. Events and places of interest are plentiful.

Where To Get BDSM Gear and Fetish Clothing in Chicago (quality gear, affordable prices, nice people):

• Leather Sport store on Halstead in Boystown
• Mephisto Leathers store on Clark in Rogers Park, close to Andersonville
• Belmont Army Surplus (3rd floor!) store at Clark & Belmont

Order BDSM Gear and Fetish Clothing from Anywhere Online (legit, professional, dependable, great stuff):

• Mr. S Leather based in San Francisco, CA.  Everything you want is here.  Look no further.
• Stockroom based in Los Angeles, CA
• Fort Troff based in Atlanta, GA
• Slick It Up based in New York City, NY
• SpandexMan based in New York City, NY
• N2N based in Los Angeles, CA
• Leather Etc. based in San Francisco, CA
• Extreme Restraints (online supplier only)

Socialize (the sites to meet new friends and fellow kinksters online; free memberships):

• Fetlife (think Facebook for Masters, Mistresses, slaves, and perverts; intelligent and a great source for event notifications)
• Recon (for gay and bi guys only)
• Collar Me (men, women, trans, gay, straight, bi, etc.)

Leather Bars in Chicago:

• Touche on Clark in Rogers Park
• Jackhammer and The Hole (2 in 1!….and right next door to Touche)

Go Visit in Chicago:

• Leather Archives and Museum
• 1901 Gallery
• Exit Bar

Annual BDSM Events in Chicago (while they occur around the same times every year, the specific dates change year by year, so please visit their respective sites):

• International Mr. Leather aka IML (end of May)
• Shibaricon (end of May; same weekend as IML)
• LGBT Pride (end of June; signifigant Leather presence and dependable S&M parties)
• Market Days (beginning of August; signifigant Leather presence and dependable S&M parties)
• Crimson Moon (big play parties every July and October)
• Kinky College (mid to end of October)
• Halloween (there are always a ton of BDSM events in Chicago at this time of the year)
• Mr. International Rubber (early November)
• New Years (you can depend of there being plenty of kinky events to choose from on NYE)

Suggestions:

• Join Fetlife.  STRONGLY suggested.  This site keeps you perfectly up-to-date on local BDSM events and play parties at bars, dungeons, etc.  Fantastic social network and surprisingly no-fuss.
• Join Recon.  Enthusiastic kinksters as well as international BDSM events listings.
• Visit this site, BrownBearsSW, which is a reliably up-to-date online calendar to see what’s going on night-by-night for BDSM kinksters in the Chicago area (which bars to go to, what parties to attend, special events, etc.).

The International Mr. Leather festival is a slightly misleading name for what this annual Chicago event has evolved into. Sure, there are still leathermen in their cowskins coming into view from every angle, but now IML is a more massive palate of individual kinks, fetishes, and fascinations put on display for everyone to see. As one of my slaves and I realized, as the years go on the costumes and toys that we encounter increasingly offer a wider visual range than one may expect: the internal, highly individualized sexual worlds of men and women, then externalized.

On the Friday I was there, I saw only a few women. Usually I see more, and I’m certain that plenty of kinky ladies visited IML on the days that followed. This lack of feminine presence emphasized that the festival is truly, at its core, a sort of perverted dreamworld for queer men of every leaning. If you’re a homosexual or bisexual male, if you like sex and have fetishes (which all of us do), then IML is for you, leather or no leather.

Yes, you will see the classic leatherman in head-to-toe skins: the hat, the boots, the chaps, and the harness. There will be plently of them. The IML festival was designed for that fetish archetype. But now that classic leatherman shares the floor at IML with an almost-equal amount of rubbermen, human dogs, human pigs, denim boys, and lycra enthusiasts.

The Old Guard has had to let the dungeon doors crack open a bit since the fetish community continues to evolve and change in variety and number. Rather than splintering the “leather world” and shooting kinksters off into different directions (something that I was initially concerned may happen) it seems that everything is settling comfortably under one tent. All of those fetish interests coexist peacefully as one wide, colorful spectrum of sexual obsessions for everyone to sample a bit or, at least, be exposed to. It’s becoming rarer to see any party or fetish ball that’s exclusively one type of “meat” over the other. I think it is a positive development. Why exclude passion and enthusiasm just because the clothing is made of a different material from the one that you fetishize? Why not embrace wider variety?

Black “gear” or clothing will always dominate IML. But this year, more than ever before, I saw blue rubber catsuits, canary yellow harnesses, and green and red wrestling singlets popping up. I usually prefer to wear all black — fashion isn’t my passion and I can count on black matching everything — but just because I’m kind of boring in that respect doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a deviation into colorful kink wear. Sometimes I get tired of seeing all that black and I love to encounter guys who take visual chances. I respect kinksters who aren’t afraid to stand out from the crowd.  This year was good for that; there were guys in kilts, poodle outfits, steampunk regalia, pure white Navy uniforms, even racoon tails.

More than anything, I noticed that IML and what we define as “kink” is clearly becoming more all-inclusive. It’s harder to shock people nowadays and America is becoming more sexually open. It’s difficult for any of us to remain innocent in a world with the Internet. While this may subtract from the secretive, “forbidden” allure that appeals to many who appreciate paddles, shackles, and leather masks, IML is living proof that the values of varying sexualities and obsessions are rising.

This year, I noticed that the toys and gear continue to evolve, progress, and remain classic when they choose to do so.  Visiting the vendors’s stalls it’s clear that kink innovation is not slowing down in the slightest.  The Willy Wonka-esque variety of impressive sex toys appeals to everyone with a libido.  The possibilities and ideas are, apparently, endless which keeps the kink trade remaining fresh.

Although it was initially created for gay guys, IML is becoming a destintation for every open-minded adult; ones who are extremely kinky and ones who are just a little bit kinky, which means basically everyone.  There were occassional straight couples strolling through the displays.

It’s only $5 to enter the market and tickets to individual parties are affordable. Being in Chicago and ignoring Leather Market is a disservice to oneself. I don’t remember hearing any screams of pain at IML 2011, but I did see an endless stream of smiling faces.

As for me, I like to plan ahead.  That’s what suits my personality.  I enjoy customizing every single session that I have according to the specific interests of the submissive and what kind of a submissive they are.  Back when I first started off, I remember doing a double-Dom session with a newbie Dominatrix.  We had the man hooked up to the St. Andrew’s Cross so that he was facing the wall and we worked his backside with general “warm up” floggers and some good whacks with the riding crop followed by applications of the Wartenberg wheel.  After we were done with that for a while we, naturally, flipped him around and did some TT (tit torture) and CBT (cock-and-ball torture) for a while and then…..

And then what?

The Mistress and I shot a glance over at each other (thankfully the slave was blindfolded) as to say “Okay, what’s next? What do I want to do? No, what do you want to do next?”.  There was 30 minutes left to the session.  We were both having an uncreative moment and the session halted for an awkward minute or so while we decided what to do next to the submissive.  That’s lame.  You never want that to happen.  A BDSM session should be a very seamless flow of torturous, tantalizing activities that lead from one to the next to the next until the session has reached a finale (yes, a finale of some sort in some context whether physical, mental, or both) and a conclusion for the day.  It’s supposed to make the Dom/Domme seem effortlessly cool, powerful, and collected.

I force myself, before every session, to sit down for 5 or so minutes, think about the upcoming person that I’ll be working on, and then I go ahead and create a mental gameplan.  If I’m feeling stressed about it, I’ll even go so far as writing down the “set list” on a scrap of paper, taping it against the wall, and hiding it behind a flogger or something.

Time with one of my usual slaves who favors a lot of bondage and intimidation may have a paper for the session that reads:

“strip them

light abuse and slapping

shackles, face to wall, warm up flogging

boot worship

hooded cowl or blindfold

bondage chair w/TT, CBT, and hot wax

bondage table, face down: spanking, booty abuse, hot wax, ice. Bondage, bondage, bondage.  Hogtie?

sling (if we have time) foot abuse, ice, wheel, gag, e-stim

bondage glove restraints w/spreader bar, heavy whipping and flogging.”

It makes sense to me, at least.

And that would be the gameplan for that session, generally.  I don’t have to follow that verbatim; I may decide in the midst of the session to take a different route but at least that gives me a general guideline for a good, strong “story” for that slave for that day.

It is dorky.  I realize that.  I don’t do “set lists” for every session, far from it nowadays, but I definitely used to.  I know that it helped me form a sense of pacing and flow for BDSM sessions.  I thought that I’d share this with you up-and-coming Dominants in case you found that it helped map out your own plans for the sessions that you orchestrate with your partners.  It may help you avoid those “Okay, now what?” moments.

A BDSM session should be a lot of fun for the Dominant while also doing the best to address the particular interests of the individual slave and incorporating those elements in some way within the progression of the session.

c. Master Aiden

The weather is getting warmer and, before you know it, it will be 90 degrees in Chicago— probably tomorrow since we tend to jump from winter to summer while skipping moderate spring. Since you’ll be sweating your balls and/or titties off soon enough, here is a fun game that I (maybe? probably?) invented to help cool you and your partner (but especially your partner):

Place one or two ice cubes on top of a submissive who is lying down horizontally. Bare torso, of course. Lying down on their stomach is recommended.

Use a single tail whip, or a belt or a long strip of leather or rubber, to lash at cube on top of the submissive. This will send the ice sliding up or down their body. If your aim is good that day, you can send the ice here and there in the direction of your choosing, while cooling of the recently whipped or spanked skin of your partner. They get to be soothed while you get to practice your aim. It’s a win-win! The neat thing is that as the ice is melting, the water around it generally adheres the cube to the skin, which stops it from popping off if you’re careful. Try to keep the ice on as long as possible (until it melts) without snapping it off of your submissive and having it shoot across the room.

How long does the ice stay on your submissive? How many times can you move it up and down the torso? Did you miss the cube and end up hitting your submissive instead? (Whoops!) If so, how many times did you miss? And how many times did you hit the bull’s-eye, i.e. the ice cube?

If you’re feeling really artsy, you can draw marks and lines on your partner’s back and ass to create a field point system.

Summer games are for adults too. This is a fun activity for those who are careful and perfect for one-on-one play. Or, of course, you can try this game out with friends and keep score.

To be inconspicuous, you need either an entire change of clothing to bring with you or you can do things how I prefer to do them. I believe in black hoodies.  They zip up and off easily and I make sure it’s a big enough hoodie to zip over whatever clothing/gear that I have on my upper torso. I also recommend baggy gym pants or sweats that can easily fit over fetish pants and tone down the visual impact of leather boots.  Keep in mind that cover clothing is simply for coming and going — not for hanging out around town since they’re not the best looks. But wearing simple cover clothing saves you the time/awkwardness of completely changing and also has something of a superhero factor in the sense that you can just pull off your clothes and you’re ready to go. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s 90 degrees outside.  I deal with it.

When entering or exiting any building or hotel with your bag of gear and whatever clothes you’re wearing, it’s best to just march in there like you own the place and that you’re completely confident in where you’re going.  Look a little tired. Yawn. Maybe text while you’re doing it.  You’ve been in and out so many times that you’re OVER IT and you just want to get to your room.  Understand?  Be sure know exactly which room you’re heading to by clearly communicating the room number with your partner before you head over to the location.  If the location requires key access of some sort in order to reach the floor of the particular room that you’re heading to, your partner must meet you down in the lobby so that you can head up together.  Please, no fetish clothes, wrist shackles, or roleplay then. You’ll get to that later.  Incognito, always.

A big bag of gear requires a duffel or at least something with a lot of space to it. If you’re bringing any rods or canes, be sure that the bag has enough length in order to accomodate those OR place your rods/canes in poster/blueprint tubes or musical instrument cases to allude to other purposes rather than S&M— Just a suggestion.  Plus, it’s fun. Also, pack up with you some black plastic bags in which you can hold your “To Wash” items for when you get home, so that those are clearly and physically seperated from other gear and bag/cases linings.  You have to think ahead and maintain cleanliness and good hygiene while remaining incognito during exits and entrances.

Life is sometimes beautiful to us, in the sense that every once in a while, the realistic outcome of a scenario that originated as a fantasy will come out just as good, or maybe even better, than you imagined.  It happens and it’s life-affirming. Usually it’s the opposite: not necessarily drastic disappointment, more like subtle, irritating frustration. So close yet not quite there.

I found that some of the lessons I’ve learned while conducting BDSM scenes can be applied not only to other people’s bondage adventures, but also to other facets of life.

Hear me out: Bridging the gaps between reality and fantasy can be done by applying certain initiatives towards S&M play or, for that matter, doing home construction, maintaining a romantic relationship, or creating a weekly schedule. You get the idea.

If you’ve rationally imagined something to turn out a certain way, then it’s possible to bring it to fruition. As long as it doesn’t involve unicorns or complete, personal access to billions of dollars, you may be closer to making it happen than you think. It pretty much boils down to planning, effort, and the ability to adjust.

First identify your fantasy and communicate it with your partner. If they’re not willing and/or they think it’s weird, gross, etc., then you need to find another partner with which to engage in that  specific scenario. Don’t make people do stuff that they don’t want to do or that they lean away from. It may permanently change how they view you. Everyone has stupid fantasies, sexy fantasies— which are basically attractive to everyone else — and weird, random fantasies that are highly unique (or so you thought) to you as an individual. It’s important to identify which fantasies you should try engaging in with your particular partner in and which ones they are better left out of.  There’s a difference.  I’m just being realistic for you.

Once you’ve identified which fantasy you’ll be diving into, think ahead before engaging in your scene. Have all the tools, accessories, and gear within close range.  Do you need lube?  An electric extention chord?  Paper towels?  How about hydrogen peroxide?  Okay great!  Just be certain that you actually have all that shit in your house before you’re doing your scene and realize that you need those.  Plot out and imagine everything in your head before you get started, making sure that you’re fully prepared.  If not, you’re going to end up looking like a moron.

Now effort: You get out of it what you put into it (or them or you). Don’t be lazy and wait for magical thinking to gallop in, take over the scene, and save the day. If you’ve planned on tying up your partner and sucking his dick, then you’d better damn well suck his dick beautifully (lips, no teeth, pressure, time, pace, etc.) or he will be terribly disappointed.  If your jaw is getting tired after only two minutes, it’s because you’re either being a wimp or you’re not used to sucking dick. Buckle down and do it well or don’t do it at all.

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you’re not in the mood for or “Don’t feel like it right now.” If you’ve partially initiated, then you need to be a big boy or girl and finish the job off for the sake of your partner. Don’t be lame, don’t be a let-down. If you’re not going to do a good job at washing your car, then you shouldn’t be doing it that day. Half-assed jobs make everyone look stupid.  This applies to sex, BDSM, and 99 percent of everything else in life.  Plus everyone can tell the difference, regardless of whether or not they admit it.

Does your fantasy need a slight tweaking in order for it to more realistically manifest?  Then you need to change it for the better. People are amusing. They tend to view traditional fantasies or their own personal fantasies as a precious doctrine that should never be adjusted. Nonsense! Sometimes altering fantasies to better suit the needs of the scene or your partner can improve or enrich the experience. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Simply go with the flow and allow action to change it’s course when nature calls for it. It’s entirely possible that you may end up with a new, improved fantasy to add to your “personal library.”

Your fantasies are not sacred; they are flowing, malleable. Don’t be so structured mentally or physically that you end up breaking them before they even materialize. Let them be permeable, let them breathe a bit.  If you and/or your partner add in or take away a few ingredients of the recipe, then allow it to happen. Life is always a collaboration.

Think ahead: Planning your actions in detail brings your fantasy as close as possible to the original text.  Rationalize what it takes in order for that kind of kink to be easy and natural when it comes into play. Pay tribute to that fantasy by putting in the energy and effort that is needed for it to be pleasing/worth it both for you and your partner.  If you need to push yourself and “try” more, then do so.

Don’t be victim to fantasies that are so suffocatingly structured that they could never truly exist outside your imagination. Create space for adjustment, improvement, surprise, and addition.  Fantasies are very rarely diminished. What makes them so great is that they can be expanded, improved upon, grown wider, and multiplied with greater variety.

I haven’t done any Q&A’s for a while now, and there were some interesting ones building up, so let’s get to it…..

Q: Master Aiden, I’ve had fantasies of being submissive while being dressed in ladies’ lingerie, high heels, and makeup.  If I were to schedule some time with you, would you be willing to do a forced fem session with me?

A: I don’t get requests like this one very often and, at this point, I’ve only done two “forced fem”-themed sessions.  From what I understand, this is a scenario that is requested towards Dominatrixes a lot — to have a woman “turn” a man (in a submissive mode) into a feminine alter ego or what he considers to be a more ladylike version of himself.  Although this fantasy raises questions concerning political correctness, gender identity, submission/dominance, etc. it can’t be ignored since the transformation of the individual into a fabricated set role is basically the foundation stone of what the BDSM dynamic is.  The inquirer, as you may notice, is not very specific as to what sort of scene gets played out in this session.

Is he (soon to be she) simply looking for an opportunity to parade around in gown and heels within a leather-flavored setting or is he/she looking to be a damsel in distress who gets tied up, roughed up, and punished for some yet-to-be-decided indiscretion?  That’s up to the submissive and this is something that , we would discuss before the session takes place. While raw personal fantasies are very rarely politically correct, I believe that these types of scenarios should be approached with sensitivity with emphasis on understanding and trust.

Gender bending and transformations are fairly typical for S&M scenes, but not so typical that I am readily prepared to make the magic happen at the drop of a hat. For this type of session, the client would have to bring is own clothing, wig, and makeup to the location.  Although I am pretty good at illustration, I don’t really know how sharp my makeup skills would be.  Hopefully the client has some previous experience applying his own glamour face. If I were to be the one slapping on the colors, the submissive may end up looking more like a John Waters character than a Lana Turner. But maybe we can make that part of the session?  On a side note, for some reason, I’m really good at creating zombie/gore makeup so if you want to ever want to play a submissive undead or whatnot, you know who to email….

Overall, I’m up for it.  Glamor girls or zombies.  Or glamorous zombies.

Q: Dear Master Aiden, do you do candle play?

A: As I mentioned in my last “Yes, Master” article, yes. I do incorporate candle play into some sessions. As you can probably imagine, candle play requires heightened focus since it involves fire, skin, and melted wax.  Using hot wax or heat application during a scene tends to divide people; submissives either love it or hate it. Rarely do you get a someone who feels that it’s “fine” or they’re simply okay with candle play. Fire play is something entirely different from candle play or wax play.  Fire play involves lighting 50 percent to 70 percent rubbing alcohol or other flammable substances on or very close to the skin. Although this is something that I think would be really interesting to get into, my clients wouldn’t be into it. I’ve seen it done during a couple of BDSM shows. It’s very dangerous and tends to be for extreme lifestyler types. Branding and scarification are also on my “NO” list.  Call me a softie, but I have no interest in setting permanent marks on my clients bodies or altering them through torture. Have I had requests for that?  You bet.  But here’s my perspective:  that brand mark that says “Property of Master Aiden” on someone’s left butt cheek might be really cool for them in 2011 but they may feel very differently about it in 2018, if you know what I mean.

Q: Would you wear DayGlo for me during a session and rig up the dungeon with black lights?

A: Although this roller disco/Ke$ha-themed scenario seems “interesting,” please be aware that you would have to purchase all the black lights and fluorescent clothes (in addition to paying your regular tribute) since my Dom garb is all black.  I don’t have any of these things in my regular stock.  This scene sounds like a mess but, hey, at least it’s unique.

Q: Where do you get your masks, Master Aiden?

A: Here are my favorite mask-makers:  Frights.org, Maxx Empire, and Fantasy Guilde.  I’ve also found some great stuff at leather markets (IML, etc.) and BDSM shoppes.  One of my favorite masks I actually got at a Renaissance festival a couple of years ago.  I rarely ever wear masks during sessions, but they’re perfect for photo shoots.

During my travels and adventures through the chains and whips, I’ve noticed that there are clear patterns and similarities to what enthusiasts listen to while getting kinky.  The goth clubs/ BDSM demonstrations/ dungeon parties tend to edge towards droney, synth-industrial music or dark metal — music like Cradle of Filth and Skinny Puppy.  It’s almost a given that you’ll hear Depeche Mode and NIN at some point in the evening as well.

I tend to be a BDSM traditionalist but, when it comes to dungeon background music, I turn in a different direction. I prefer classical music. I don’t like it super loud or anything like that. I just want my Beethoven and Tchaikovsky melting into the air while I’m getting down to business. It helps me to concentrate during complicated sessions, everyone likes it, and it slightly classes things up a bit. (Don’t roll your eyes.) Most importantly, for whatever reason, you can depend on classical music to fit perfectly during whatever type of session you may be doing.  It can lend irony, drama, and sometimes even well-needed doses of levity during S&M play.  It always works, as strange as that may seem.  If you don’t believe me, than try it out for yourself. It’s magic.

I used to listen to hard, screaming, techno-doom rock while I did sessions because that’s what I grew up listening to and that’s what traditionally is featured during kinky social events. Then I realized that 95 percent of my slaves hated that music. (There can be huge differences between the sensibilities of BDSM scenesters and the sensibilities of BDSM clients. They’re not usually the same people, interestingly enough.) I also had to admit that I found that music to be sometimes obnoxious and headache-inducing. Plus if you’re doing some semi-dangerous, detail oriented pain play, the last thing you need is a burst of demonic voices unpredictably yelling in German. It’s not as sexy as it seems. Sometimes it’s like “Man, please shut the fuck up while I’m doing candle-play on this person’s nipples.”  Surely, you understand.  Sometimes “Hall of the Mountain King” makes things much, much better.

So the next time you’re buckling on your leather harness and you’re partner is getting their jock strap and collar on, consider giving KMFDM a rest for the evening and give Grieg and Holst a shot instead.  It’s entirely possible that you may never going back. I still love the synths and keyboards but, when it comes to BDSM sessions, I’d rather go with orchestras.

It’s actually very rare for me (and I’m assuming that it’s the same for other pro Masters and Mistresses) to recieve requests for couples’ training.  Usually only individuals who request sessions but every once in a while, someone will pop out and send me that email which usually reads something along the lines of this:

“Dear Master Aiden:

My wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner and I are interested in doing a training session with you. She/He has wanted to try out S&M for a while (with her/him as the top and me as the bottom).

I would like to know how much a session like this would cost and when you would be available. We are very new at this so go easy on us and treat us like beginners.

Thank you for reading this letter, Sir, and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Respectfully,

Mr. X”

The very modern, kinky lifestyle couples usually aren’t interested all that much whether the person helping to guide them on their BDSM adventures is a man or a woman.  It surprises me how nonchalant they usually are about that part of the equation. Sometimes it’s a request for me to train a couple as a pair of experienced submissives (two slaves at the same time).  If that’s the case, then it’s just me doing double-duty as a Master — these sessions are fun while being hectic and very busy for me (as you’d probably expect). Typically though, if it’s a request for a session involving three people, it probably has to do with one person generally learning how to dominate the others.

Typically, when they show up introductions are very friendly and formal. Since I’m in instructor mode I don’t do a lot of the expected Master/slave role play dynamics since many of these newbie couples are pretty nervous.  It’s all about becoming acquainted with the standard BDSM equipment, how to use that stuff properly, how to be gentle/painful/careful, and roll out a general list of many of the activities that couples can try when engaging in bondage play.

The most challenging aspect of diving into BDSM for these established couples is taking it seriously and becoming the actors within their own fantasies. Why is it that couples can be the most restrained when it comes to being with one another?  Sometimes they can become almost conservative in that respect.

The key for these couples–the most important and unsettling piece of the puzzle–is believing in each other as either Master/Mistress and slave.  If they both genuinely have that scope of imagination for themselves and for each other, then they’re already 80% good to go.  BDSM is imagination and roleplay.  The rest of it is just props.

Using S&M as a subject concept is a way for high profile music stars to appear provocative, edgy, and sexual without going too far.  By flashing images of whips, ropes, blindfolds, etc., they can touch upon taboo without getting raunchy or having to be nude.  It can be an easy win-win.

I appreciate pop culture just as much as underground and subculture, so I was curious when I saw on Google News that Rihanna had premiered a music video online for her new single, “S&M”.  As a matter of fact, it’s still featured on the Perez TV section of Perez Hilton’s website so go ahead and check it out for yourself.  After spending 20 years immersed in the darker corners of counterculture (goths, pagans, metalheads, the whole cast of “villains”, you name it), I have actually become less cynical and more appreciative and accepting of what can be regarded as silly/fun/ridiculous/pop.  I like a good hook and I don’t disregard what’s popular and commercially successful.  No, it’s not all “shit”.  I’m not a huge fan of the too-cool-for-school approach.  My mind is fully open.

The first thing that I was impressed by with the Rihanna “S&M” music video was that this isn’t a black on black on black dark aesthetic scheme.  It’s refreshing. Instead of shadows and pitch, the viewer is bombarded by pinks, greens, and yellows.  Colors are always symbolic and meaningful and they work perfectly for her, especially since Rihanna is in a cartoonly colorful “full bloom” phase in her creative output and, in this video, we see her as an untouchably beautiful R&B Jessica Rabbit surrounded by goons and gimps.  Watching her decked out in pink latex is a feast for the eyes, no matter which way you swing.  I love that she wasn’t too cautious or precious in her interpretation of how she imagines people fantasize.  “S&M” can look like anything, especially when you’re in charge of the scene.  Since my whole Dom personae schtick is pretty much “Evil Prince” to sum it up generally, I wouldn’t touch those candy colors with a ten-foot pole.  But Rihanna is a confidant, hot-as-hell female pop star so she pulls off the alternative to the alternative color scheme without batting an eyelash.

The singer has decided to use the sadomasochistic dynamic as a metaphor for her volatile relationship with the press/media.  Sometimes she’s the one calling the shots while, at other times, they’re the ones manipulating her.  It makes sense for her to present voiceless writers (in ballgags, of course) jotting down and probably misinterpreting her every word.  The pop star is both worshipped and contained, literally, in plastic wrap.  The most puzzling part of the video is when we see superblogger Perez Hilton, himself, as a leashed dog-slave to Rihanna as lady of the house.  This moment of the video (David LaChapelle-meets-”Edward Scissorhands”) seems random within a whole set of random scenes but it brings up questions about who is obeying whom.  Gossip sites tear down stars.  Why does Hollywood’s number one loudmouth play a submissive in this case? Does he truly worship Rihanna or is this just an excuse to be her music video?  Is she above criticism?  Is she another one of those pop stars that, to him, can do no wrong?  Whether we want to admit it or not, bloggers and gossip sites do shape the public perceptions and careers of performers so it is attention-getting to see this guy bowing down to someone whose life he could easily adjust according to his personal whims.  Interesting.  All that glamour, fame, fashion, and money?  It’s a dangerous, give/take balance according to the video.

It’s clear that the makers of the video enjoyed their playful approach while also being respectful, in my opinion, of the fetish world.  Apparently someone on set knew what they were doing.  I was impressed by their addition of a shibari rope arrangement (perfect for a music video) on Rihanna as well as featuring diverse revelers of fluid, questionable sexuality.  And, as a BDSM pro, I thought that the short, pink single-tail whip that she uses on the journalists was an unusual, badass, and effective visual choice (do they come in black?).

The overall feeling of the song/video is one of fun and intrigue–it’s naughty, sexy, harmless, personal, absurd, and strangely uplifting.  Rather than presenting S&M as being dark and scary, Rihanna shows us a bright, vivid, eye-popping adult playground of her own imaginative making, exciting chains and whips included.

S&M, like many things, can takes a few minutes to click into place.  For the nervous, it can take a little while to ease into the scene that’s taking place — to feel comfortable, to let themselves go, and to psychologically settle into their bondage.

For the Master or the Mistress, the first few moments of a session may require a delicate understanding of what “type” of slave they’re working with. Especially if the slave is new to them.  I’ve found, through my experiences, that some slaves aren’t 100 percent honest when it comes to communicating what type of slave they are and where their genuine interests are.  It doesn’t have as much to do with intentional deception as it does with nervousness, shyness, and/or a lack of insight regarding their own bondage fantasies.  What you say isn’t always what you get.  This seems to occur often with submissive who are new to the world of BDSM.

For the Dom/Domme of the scene, sometimes it takes a moment for us to cook up a plan for the pacing of a session, the kinds of tortures that will be aimed at them, which devices and bondage positions to use, and how the crescendo of the scene will take place. Warm up, beginning, middle, and finale. When I first started out Domming, I remember feeling anxious about how to pace the scene so that it made sense to me and the slave; so that it was enjoyable, satisfying, and organic.  Directing a BDSM session is like playing music in the sense that you want to hit the right notes at the right moments.  The slave is your instrument.

At this point, I know how to pace out a session so that it makes sense to me and, at this point, that foundation of anxiety is pretty much gone.  I have more than a few tricks up my sleeve and I have a general understanding of how every individual slave has a tendency to fall into particular slave archetypes.  Although no one is exactly the same, it’s also a fact that no one is as “weird” as they think that they are.

I know that couples and BDSM enthusiasts sometimes fantasize about enjoying a session. But when they jump into it with their play partners,the scene isn’t hitting the right notes.  They stop, go do something else, and then they feel disappointed with the scene or with themselves or with their play partner(s).  You often have to get throught the first 5 or 10 minutes in order to find the right tone and/or rhythm for yourselves.  Don’t give up.  Practice, communication, knowing yourself, and knowing your partner(s) creates the best BDSM scenes.  Practice, patience, and experience makes perfect.  Don’t expect to love the first minutes and be aware the second, third, fourth, fifth, ect. session with your partner will inevitably be much better than your first.

It doesn't take much to to play Photo by Daisy Romwell, used with permission

As I’ve mentioned recently, there are two new playspaces that I hold sessions in nowadays.

One is The Box dungeon and the other is my residence.  Both have been newly redone for BDSM adventure (I’ll get more in-depth in my next article) and I got to thinking about what it takes, exactly, to have a perfectly functional dungeon of your very own.

Big, tricked-out, expansive spaces are great to have and are definitely enjoyable.  But most enthusiasts don’t have massive emporiums, filled to the brims with gear, to play in.

You don’t need to have a lot of space to work with, or money to invest, in order to whip up a space sets you into the right Master or slave frame of mind.

Do you want to make a dungeon?  Of course you do!

Let me help you out….

*If you have (at least) a floor, 4 walls, and a ceiling, then you have a completely acceptable foundation for a perfectly good S&M playspace.

*Curtains.  Perhaps you’re in the mood to be an exhibitionist but maybe your 78-year-old neighbor doesn’t want to see the foolery.  Blinds, shutters, shades, whatever.  Privacy is a big deal.

*Noise.  Don’t pick the room next to the apartment building hallway.  Nor should you have your dungeon next to your neighbor’s dining room.  Choose a spot that allows for a little bit of audio leeway.  And, if you live in a city or the suburbs, don’t get under the impression that there is any place, anywhere, that you can get away with screaming at the top of your lungs.  In BDSM, it’s inevitable that there will be at least some noise.  Where is the best place to set your St. Andrew’s Cross so that people won’t be alarmed by some whapping and moaning?  Think in advance and always try to keep noise to a minimum.  Also, be sure to have some decent mood music.

*Paint it black.  Do you want a dungeon in your place but none of the rooms look appropriate?  Paint it black and/or white and there you go.  Graphic basics enable you to settle into the bondage mood much easier without distracting visuals.

*One or two lamps.  Or candlelight.  Too much light is annoying.  Color gels, if you’re going for that tacky, sleazy 80′s vibe, are available at all theatre supply stores and websites.  Red lights against black and/or white rooms create a sexy, hellish atmosphere.  Yes, I realize how cheesey that is…..but it works.

*Although I’m, at this point, well-stocked with an array of whips, chains, and whatnot, that doesn’t mean that you need to spend devastating amounts of money on toys and clothes in order to play Master and servant.  Just buy some ropes, a paddle, a riding crop, and play handcuffs to begin with–some of the very basic basics.  If you and your partner(s) enjoy BDSM, and it’s something that you want to continue with in some capacity, then your kinky toy inventory will build up as time goes on.  But you have to get a few of the classic gear items, at least, to start off with.  Allow yourself to splurge one or two hundred bucks, run to the sex shoppe, and begin your collection!

*I’ve been to plenty of dungeons and plenty of play parties.  All the space, installations, toys, gears, pulley systems, whatever, don’t compensate for a lack of dynamic.  If you and your play partner have a great connection, then you’re set.  No amount of money can buy chemistry and enthusiasm.  YOU and your partner are the stars of the show–not the dungeon, not the toys.  Which is good to think about before you spend $12,000 on the newest fucking and spanking machine.  Just saying.

I usually like the classics. Sometimes the stuff that seems too trendy or too hyped-up usually loses its flavor and tends to fade out after a little while.  But not always.

At any rate here is my, and only my, opinion on what make up the Best Of BDSM at this moment.

Best Of BDSM 2010 (according to Master Aiden, at least):

-Rubber Paddles.  Not only do they provide a very meaty whallop at first strike, they actually bend/bounce back and hit you again all on their own.  What good sports!

-Metal Chains As Bondage.  It’s my medieval side coming out.  And, no, they don’t hurt as much as you might think.  The sound, the look, the no-nonsense of it all are completely awesome.

-Hog Nips.  Rubber suction cups that you apply to the nipples to temporarily swell them, increasing sensitivity and tweakability.  Good times.

-Fetishwear Outside Of Leather.  Yes, leather is king in the BDSM community but it’s also great to see kinky types venturing outside of expensive, hard-to-completely-clean animal hides.  More rubber, spandex, pleather, vinyl, and darlex are welcome and, from what I can tell, many others in the scene agree with me.

-My Leather (contradicting myself already) Bondage Gloves.  Hang them from the ceiling and now you’re hanging from the ceiling.

-The Violet Wand. Stimulation and fireworks for hours of fun.  Just keep it below the waistline.

-Hot Wax.  So simple, so old-school, so easy, so dependable.  Works every time to raise the tension of a scene.

-Sara Wrap Mummification.  Want a nice, fun activity for a slow Saturday afternoon?

-Clips and Clamps.  Whether they’re wood, metal, or rubber, climps and clamps are always and forever the best way of showing someone who’s the boss.

-Single Tail Whips.  Create lines and designs while you practice on your aim. Everybody wins!

But not quite in this case.

It’s more like “The more you experience, the less you go about assuming things.”

That’s my take when it comes to working with new BDSM slaves.  One of the biggest misconceptions about S&M is that there is anything along the lines of a one-size-fits-all experience.

Every submissive likes to be paddled, right?  And they all like to be tied up?

All the slaves want to be sworn at, swatted at, mistreated?

All of them want to kiss your boots and call you “Master”?

No.  Not quite.  Not at all.

BDSM is complex and nuanced but not only in general. It’s also completely unique, complex, nuanced, and complicated on every case-by-case basis.  No two slaves are the same.

When I first started out, I wasn’t completely naive enough to think that everyone wanted the same thing but I had no idea that, for some submissives, even the supposedly standard Master and slave relationship is not a given.  Everyone enjoys a different set of experiences and tonalities.  And, because they’re in a variety of vulnerable positions, the slaves are especially sensitive and every good Master and Mistress has to be tuned in to their needs and undeniable individualities.

Not everybody wants to be whipped and some people actually hate nipple clamps.  Just because they’re a “slave” doesn’t mean that they enjoy being tied up and set hanging from the rafters.  As a matter of fact, it may be a huge turnoff for them.

There is clearly room to push boundaries, to create completely fresh experiences, and to introduce surprises in BDSM dynamics.  However it’s always important for everyone to have fun and to address why it is that they’re creating the scene to begin with.

Always talk to your play partners, in depth, before you begin your sessions.  Never assume that what you’ve seen in cartoons, illustrations, erotic works and film will be what your partner is truly after.  Like so many things in life, BDSM is never that simple.

Q: Dear Master Aiden, would you ever kidnap me in public?

A: Kidnapping fantasies are pretty typical but I can’t “kidnap” someone in public due to confusion that can be caused by witnesses possibly (probably) not understanding the context in which the “kidnapping” is taking place.  Being a Dom is edgy enough as it is.  Let’s keep the Master/slave dynamics reserved for within the dungeon walls.  Understand? Of course you do.

Q: Do you have a St. Andrew’s Cross that you can bind me to?

A: Indeed I do.  There is are conventional, wooden x-style St. Andrew’s Crosses at a couple of the dungeons that I frequent as well as a medieval torture chamber-style chain/shackles set, at my private dungeon, that serves a similar purpose.

Q: Have you ever done something that you regret?

A: Haven’t we all?  Do you mean to a slave?  If that’s what you’re asking than the answer is rarely.

Q: Would you ever do some fetish modeling for me?

A: No.  The only photoshoots that I participate in are 100% orchestrated by me.  That way I can stay within the tonal framework that I feel suits my particular approach to professional Domming.

Q: Would you ever dominate me along with another pro Master or Mistress?

A: Yes, we can do that but, as every 21st century person knows, coordinating schedules can be difficult unto itself so as long as everything is fully scheduled out far in advance, a multi-Dom/Domme session is available.

Q: What do you look for in a slave?

A: True, actual obedience.  Good communication as well as being a good sport.

But what is not expressed enough is how important it is to stay true to your individuality, to your particular interests, rather than caving to the traditions and trends that don’t suit you and your personality.

More than ever, the bondage/fetish scene is multifaceted. Rather than splintering the scene, I believe that it makes it stronger in its variety and sparks new and unusual interests for others.  The standards that were once thought to be ultimate (leather, humiliation, dog collars, etc.) are still intact but are no longer taken for granted.  For example, it seems that there are just as many kinksters who are or have switched from leather to rubber gear.  There are plenty of slaves who are intolerant of feeling humiliated–mutual respect and a more back-and-forth playful dynamic is increasingly emerging within the scene.  And, certainly, not everyone submissive is interested in being collared.  These are, obviously, just a couple tiny tips of the iceberg.

For Doms and Dommes we have (and should have) our own ways of doing things, our own interests, favorites.  Never assume that Dominants are interchangeable.  The experience that you may have serving one Dom does not necessarily hint at what will happen when you’re with another Dom.

BDSM is about freedom of exploration, originality, fetish indulgence, and novelty.  Ironically, I don’t personally see it as anything remotely connected to REAL restraint or limitation that you haven’t already imposed on yourself.  What makes “bondage” and “discipline” valuable is that you and your play partner are fully responsible for the variety of experiences that you endure.  If something seems “weird” (even for the fetish scene and, yes, there are niches within niches) but interests and suits you, then go for it.  But, at the same time, just because an activity or tone seems “standard” or “a given” withing BDSM, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t just completely reject it if it doesn’t suit your personality or interests.  What I think sometimes limits participation within the bondage/fetish scene is the feeling that in order to be involved in or practice BDSM, that you MUST be into A, B, and C, etc.  This simply isn’t true.

BDSM consists of what you CHOOSE for it to consist of within your own life.  The idea that there is a particular framework that you must fit within in order to feel included as part of that world is irrelevant.  Kink is about variety, following your own interests, setting your own standards, breaking cliches, and then exploring within or outside whatever circle of experiences that you, whether a Dom or a sub, are the Master of creating.

As Michael K from Dlisted says: “IN THIS ECONOMY…..”

Well, yeah, in this case it’s true.

It was a beautiful space, a lot of fun sessions there, but time marches forward.  We were a new dungeon and, therefore, faced the most hurdles in that respect.  The big, established dungeons are okay but our little startup one just didn’t surivive.  There were about four of us Doms (guys)/Dommes (girls) but now we’re on our own and, surely, some of us will link up with other dungeons and that will settle that.

It’s sad!  I’m already nostalgic about it but now I’ll have to implement my Plan B which is to create my own dungeon space.  I’m one of those people who, as soon as he learns about a crisis, his head goes into instantaneous damage-control mode (like one of those bleepy computers from a 1950′s sci-fi movie).  ”Malfunction.  Servers are solving problem.  Processing taking place.  Please wait for data…..”

And, inevitably, I’ll figure it out within 5 minutes to 2 hours.  I don’t have the capacity to handle complete meltdowns anymore so I just go into cyborg mode which is a lot less emotionally taxing and definitely a lot more productive.

So, yeah, my own dungeon.  Without a doubt, it will be art-directed to the nth degree and will probably end up as a cross between a set from “Hostel” and an Anne Rice vampire lair.  It will be pretty cool, I’m certain of it.  Regardless, it can be hard to let go of your first dungeon and that first group of Doms/Dommes.  At least it is for us BDSM people.

They say that when you feel angry, the best thing to do is to simmer down for a moment and count to 10.

For me, I have to simmer down and wait about a week for the Scarface-style rage to slowly dissipate.  I’m half-Italian and it’s crystal clear in my personality.  We’re passionate people.

I’ve decided not to do anything rash and regrettable–there will be no vindictive one-on-one encounters, no broken kneecaps.  When I felt the anger boiling over the Craigslist adult services situation a couple of weeks ago, I’m pretty sure that there was a toxic red glow radiating off of my face that could be seen from 2 or 3 miles away.  It’s not that it affects me, personally, a lot. It’s just that the whole scenario sends out a message that reads:

“In America, we’re still have a horrible relationship with human sexuality.  Nothing’s new.  Nothing’s changed.  We still spin social issues to fit election time initiatives.  We’re still creeps, jerks, bullies, faux-puritans, and we’re VERY PROUD OF OURSELVES.”

Every once in a while, some thought will pop into your head–a thought that you’ve had in the files for decades– at the perfect moment.  A saving grace.

“You choose your battles.”

So true.

I should have one of those “Little Book of Inspirational Quotes” on my nightstand or something, so that I can have preprocessed yet cuddly cliches burrowed into my conciousness whenever I get close to going off the rails.  They’re actually helpful.

You Choose Your Battles.

Fine, fine.  Okay.  If I’m going to be a freedom fighter, then the best thing that I can do is share perspectives and the occassional silly one-liner rather than waging a full out war with people who have better lawyers than I do.  Not that my lawyer sucks. It’s just that, let’s be realistic.

I have enough going on in my life.  Not bad things, really–it’s just that a lot of energy, thought, and time is required in order to keep this cartoon plot going in the direction that’s mapped out for it.  It’s a tall order.  Fun, exciting, but taxing and a constant tightrope walk.  Just like most people’s lives.  Mine just happens to include a lot of cameras, costumes, technical experiments, books, and riding crops.

I hate censorship.  I hate Nanny State bullshit.  I’m just not into it.  It grosses me out (and it takes A LOT to gross me out).

Societies flourish when the people are empowered.  People are at their most empowered when they’re given individual responsibility to access their own lives, their own rules of living, and how to shift and shape existence to work for their own unique ideals and sensibilities.  No person appreciates being told how to think and feel.  And I’ve always thought that way even before I was an adult.  I don’t like religion, rule books, preaching, oppression, poverty, and boredom.  To me, those are the ultimate evils.  I only like sex, money, food, and sleep.  Everything else in life is pretty fucking stupid, let’s face it.

Don’t get mad at me!  I’m just being straightforward with you as usual.  Sh*t My Dom Says.
Nowadays, instead of duels and swordfights, we use financial, media, and legal warfare to kick the shit out of one another.  Keyboards instead of fists.

I’ve realized how much Americans DON’T, in fact, necessarily follow the leader.  I think that that’s a good thing.

The last few years, especially, have been another coming-of-age in America.  We’re a bit older now, a bit more cynical, more perceptive, not as dangerously naive and optimistic.  America isn’t a nation of idiots, far from it, actually.  But we have a history of getting carried away.  Our leaders take extremist stances thinking that it’s still morning in America and that we’re all following the same formulas from the 1950s, but so much has changed.

When I logged into all those articles discussing the Craigslist situation (i.e. discussing the adult services industry in general), I was expecting to read comments about how “Yeah, hookers are bad!”, “Toss ‘em in jail and throw away the key!”, “I don’t want MY CHILD seeing provacative lingerie!”, etc. but what I read, instead, was that most thinking people don’t give a damn about adult services–that most rational adults are fully aware that this industry does NOT rely on trafficed or underage individuals.  Basically, they’re not buying it and they know that it’s just a bunch of political theatre.

That was a refreshing realization.

Look, folks, people in the adult industries (the pro’s, the real ones) don’t want anybody doing anything to hurt anyone else.  We’re not running on some Marquis de Sade playbook.  Even us Doms.  There are spooky, dark, kinky images all over my website, and all over the webpages of all Doms, but it’s a feeling and a theme that we’re selling.  We’re not actually oppressive or abusive people.  It’s interactive theatre for grownups.  Don’t take it so seriously.  It’s about as real as the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.  If you believe that all the stuff is real, then I have a bridge to sell you.  Plus the Eiffel Tower and a recommedation for a good, strong psychotherapist.

We’re just a group of free-thinking, slightly eccentric, liberals with weird jobs.  And, when you break it all down, everyone’s job is ridiculous, weird, and sometimes challenging with a predictable cast of heroes and villains.  True?  Without a doubt.  It’s not that heavy, deep, or dark.  The sociologists and the “experts” with all their surveys, “studies”, and supposed factoids won’t boil it down to the basics because it would take away from the supposed mystery and tabooness of what adult services are.  And the truth is, like so many “fascinating” things, it really ain’t all that interesting.

What cured my headache, and what subsided my anger over the situation, was realizing that most of America is aware of that.  They’re, generally, on my side with this whole witch hunt.  They understand people stepping in to help children, or to help adults in bad situations, but they want adults to have the privacy of being adults with other adults.

Even if they think that way anonymously.

I’ve also realized that I how deeply I believe in American ideals and that I’m a hardcore American in the old-school, original sense of purpose.  Just stay out of my way, let me do my thing, don’t oppress me.

It seems that most of us Americans, gay and straight, are moderate and reasonable when it comes to most issues but don’t tell the press.  It may take away from some of the current election-time excitement.

For entertainment value.

And to just be incredibly straightforward with you.

Basically, Craigslist has no guts.

Rather than fight for their first amendment rights, the always rambunctious Internet super entity known as Craigslist has decided to have the  equivalent of a temper tantrum by posting a bold-print “CENSORED” bar over their Adult Services portal.

They fought for a while but now they’re giving up?  A theory is that Craigslist is doing its “Censored” stunt as a ploy for attention and to initiate conversation.  But are there other ways of going about this?

No posting on their blog.  No warning a few days ahead of time.  No explanation.  No press release.

Craigslist was caught in the middle of a legal/social controversy (as we all already know blah, blah, blah) so they stormed away from the dining room table, shouted “I hate you all!!!  No one understands me!!!!”, ran up the stairs, and slammed their bedroom door.  Just like one of the Tanner kids on “Full House”.

It’s very comforting to know that a high-profile, modern institution such as Craigslist (which everyone uses in some capacity whether they admit it or not) is operating in a such a mature way.  So very helpful in creating a sophisticated, balanced discussion that is nonexistent when discussing the topic of adult services.

America is deeply freaked out by alternative sexualities, approaches, and lifestyle choices.  Perhaps that rings a bell with gay readers.  There is no official discussion about adult services.  The official word is that, since we believe in the freedoms of consensual adults THEREFORE we must be more predisposed towards abusing women and molesting kids.

That’s the rationale that they’re using:  If you believe in the validity of non-traditional private arrangements you must be supportive of human rights violations.

Nice.  It’s great to know that this is the message that is being sent out.

Nontraditional = dangerous.

Way to keep things moving forward, America!

Right now, I feel very grateful that I do not depend on Craigslist like many adult service providers do.  I have a more casual relationship nowadays with my “Masterhood” (I don’t know what else to call it) than I did, due to another job, videography gigs, etc.  I like stability and dependability and health insurance.  I still love Domming but now I do it with a more exclusive group and not as often as I used to.  But it’s something that I enjoy and it’s great way to earn extra money, get out aggression, and to tap into a different side of my personality.

But other adult services providers rely exclusively on entertaining their clients.  Craigslist just goes ahead and pulls the rug from under people’s feet–possibly for the sake of publicity, possibly as a permanent change in features.  Who knows?  It’s just a smug, shitty, immature little game for the Craigslist company as it is for the policy makers who spend our tax dollars peeking into your bedroom because they can and because it’s a way to generate revenue.  This is all that everything truly boils down to when it comes to public representation in America:

How can I keep my position?  How can I appeal to the power-holding demographics?

That’s it.

There’s nothing else going on here.  None of these officials truly give a flying fuck about anyone else.  I know it, you know it, and they know it.  If they did truly care, then they would spend their time and money helping those people find alternative sources of income rather than hurting them, their future, their records, and keeping them away from paying for dinner.  The economy is a disaster and, yet, they’re taking away income from consensual people who get paid to spend time with other consensual people.

Fact:  ANYONE who has to declare “I’m a GOOD, MORAL person. I’m here to PROTECT you and HELP you” is a manipulative person.  Not 90 percent of the time, not 95 percent of the time.  100 percent of the time.  They’re pulling some bullshit and God knows what else behind the scenes.  I’m not being cynical–I’m just being unflinchingly direct.  It doesn’t matter if you agree with me or not since this is simply a fact of nature and it’s much bigger than you and I.  If you don’t get what I’m talking about now, you will eventually one day and you’ll be like: “Holy smoke, that guy was right.”

The truly good people aren’t obnoxious about their good deeds, they don’t make grand declarations, they’re more self-aware, they’re not ignorant of alternative lifestyles, and they don’t make sweeping judgements about any particular segment of the population.  You already know this, though.  This is just history repeating itself.

Actions speak for themselves.  Words are meaningless when it comes to policy.

Life is complicated.  Sexuality is complicated.

Ideals don’t always materialize.  If they did for you, well la-dee-dah good for you, you let-them-eat-cake asshole, but for many people the loves of their lives don’t pop into golden-hued cafes with cutesy cable-knit sweaters, Crest smiles, and honey blond ringlets like something out of an E-Harmony commercial.  Some people pay to spend time with a consensual man or a woman that they enjoy being with.  Because life is fucking short, relationships don’t always work out, and sex is hard to come by rather than bountiful.  Facts.

Some people have open minds.  And there’s a difference between having an open mind and living a non-traditional lifestyle, and then jumping directly into kiddie porn, snuff videos, anorexic sex slaves, or whatever hysterical cartoon nonsense that these manipulative officials cook up in order for people to half-way sympathize with their agendas (i.e. publicity).

The Craigslist people are acting irrationally, the policy-makers are real creeps of the highest order, and everyone in America is terrified by a basic human function.

Not good.  We always have to have our scapegoats, apparently.

Not understanding adult services (what they are, why they’re here) is not fully understanding the complexities of adulthood.  That seems to be the case with many people and THAT’s what’s truly scary.

I’ll elaborate, from a true insider’s perspective, on my next article.