Q: Dear Mom,

For those of us spending the holidays alone this year, what’s your advice for combating those pesky “holiday blues”?

Thanks!

-G

A: Dear G,

While reflecting on your question, Gaga came across an interesting quote by the theologian Paul Tillich: “Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone, and the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” Some of my most pleasurable experiences have been spent alone at home eating lamb chops, watching reruns of “Golden Girls.” Some of my times of greatest isolation have been at large gatherings where I feel no connection to anyone.

That said, the holidays are a special case, an accentuated time of expectation and stirred feelings. We all cling somewhere deep within to an idealized vision of a period of personal paradise where the stuff of holiday stories and songs manifest themselves in our lives. Dreamers, dream on!

For many of us the holidays will be a mix of stress and depletion, delight and amusement. For some, however, the holidays offer little joy and much sorrow. How to reckon with these burdensome feelings is a challenge and depends on how unhappy you feel and how you usually deal with difficulties.

Renting a humorous movie about a “typical American family”" like Gene Shepherd’s hilarious A Christmas Story or reading a David Sedaris essay about one of his family’s gatherings may lift your spirits. Check around to see if any of your friends or acquaintances are looking for something to do and plan a gathering. Perhaps some extra self-care (a massage) or personal treat (buy yourself something you’ve coveted for awhile). VOLUNTEER! Find a church or community group who is looking for helpers during the holidays or even Christmas Day. Neuroscience confirms what I’ve experienced time and time again – nothing raises those endorphins like doing good for others. Stay physically active.

If you really feeling yourself sinking low, talk to a trusted friend or family member. Or consider even a short-term relationship with a counselor/therapist. And remember: a new year is on its way with its promise of hope and renewal.

Love,
Mom

Got a problem? Well, there’s nothing a little maternal advice can’t solve. Just send your queries to submit@thenewgay.net! Rocky’s mom, Daisy, will be here next week to help. Until then!

Q: Dear Mom,

I recently emailed several members of my family including my parents and siblings the following message:

So, here’s the skinny.

DC is trying to pass a marriage equality bill, one that would allow me to marry the person I love and plan on spending the rest of my life with. Catholic Charities currently receives millions of dollars of city money each year to provide homeless shelters, health care and other services. This organization would be required to extend health benefits to same-sex partners of their employees under the bill as it is currently written, as any employer that receives funding from DC would be required to recognize same-sex unions. The Archdiocese says that this is a non-starter, and is threatening to stop providing services to DC’s most needy families if this bill passes.

Discuss.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/12/AR2009111210561.html

I hate to admit, but I didn’t receive a single reply from anyone in my immediate family. Am I attempting to mix family and politics, normally a no-no? Or am I validly asking for support from my loved ones?

Thanks.

-M

A: Dear M,

Bear with my musings before I respond to your question as today is Thanksgiving, not to mention the very first Thanksgiving in 25 years I’m not hostessing for at least 15 people. I will soon be headed out to the suburbs for dinner with my in-laws and extended family from Boston. Guest, no chef – right there a blessing.

And you are certainly blessed to be able to spend the holiday with your loved one, the one you hope to marry, and spend the rest of your life with.

Such a frothy mix around the passage of the marriage-equality bill: gender, politics, religion. It doesn’t get more controversial than that. And I must add, as a former Chicago Catholic Charities social worker, that the Church’s threat to terminate services to DC’s most needy families if this bill passes outrages me.

Now.. I think your e-mail was a worthy attempt at reaching out to your family about issues that are central to your life and future. Without knowing their religious affiliation or feelings about your being gay, I am now only speculating. Are they committed Catholics? Are they accepting of your being gay? Are they people who shy away from controversy? I’m wondering whether any the answers to any of these questions explain their reluctance to respond to your e-mail.

I’m also wondering if in fact they weren’t sure what response or kind of engagement you wanted from them based on your direction, “Discuss.” It might be be worth your while to make another stab at communicating with
them, but this time indicate that the pending bill is of great import to you and you would appreciate hearing from them, their thoughts and feelings.

Hope this helps and gives you some food for thought.

Love,
Mom

Got a problem? Well, there’s nothing a little maternal advice can’t solve. Just send your queries to submit@thenewgay.net! Rocky’s mom, Daisy, will be here next week to help. Until then!

Q: Dear Mom,

So I met this this really cute, nice, funny guy a few weeks ago. We’ve hung out once or twice since then, and, lo and behold, there seemed to actually be some chemistry there. So much so, that I’ve pursued it a bit more aggressively than I would normally (which is to say I’ve pursued it at all). But he has this nasty habit of falling off the planet for long stretches of time, and I’m guessing that means he’s not too terribly into me.

I was the last one to reach out and it’s been about a week of radio silence now, and I’m at the point where I know I should probably just cut my losses and move on. But I can’t help holding on to this tiny kernel of hope that it’ll all work out. Am I being impatient, or just stupid? I know it’s probably the latter, but it’s difficult because as Madonna once said “this doesn’t happen to me everyday,” you know?

Help!

-P

A: Dear P,

Do you know what happens when you are romantically attracted to someone new? The response is one of the most powerful reactions nature can create. The cascade of love chemicals and hormones instantly whipped up by your brain and commandeered by your body fire emotional drives that can render you virtually intoxicated and involuntarily stupid as thinking and judgment fall away. With fifty percent of your brain’s operations devoted to visual processing, cuteness will be especially compelling.

If love is reciprocated, your brain, and that of your partner’s, settle into an overarching pattern of excitement and contented bliss as you get to know each other and monitor the progress you make toward the creation of your “relationship.” But if your advances are rejected, your brain is, more often than not, left with a stock of unbalanced chemical concoctions misdirecting you toward anxiety, obsession, delusion, and the like.

Time to back up from all that, and let your prefrontal cortex catch up. You suffer because of this fact: you cannot control emotional or neurochemical reactions in the cranium of another person. If the object of your affection is not as romantically turned on as you are, there’s nothing you can do about it. If he didn’t experience a reasonable facsimile of that same breathtaking moment that you did pretty quick (i.e. falling over himself to get to you), the best you probably should be hoping for at this point is an interesting friendship. Any friendship potential here?

I know. I’m sorry.

So I guess, technically, you are being impatient and stupid, but it isn’t your fault. You just couldn’t help it. (Nobody could.)

Love,
Mom

Got a problem? Well, there’s nothing a little maternal advice can’t solve. Just send your queries to submit@thenewgay.net! Zack mom, Gaga, will be here next week to help. Until then!

Q: Dear Mom,

Next month, I’ll be turning 28 and, even though I’m not sure what exactly I want to do with my life and I’ve never been in a romantic relationship that’s lasted more than a year, I’m having a great time. I like my job. I’ve got a decent place. I’ve got great friends. But now that I’m officially pushing 30, I’m feeling this societal pressure to settle down. Everything in me wants to resist and keep partying and having fun with my friends, but there’s this nagging voice (which sounds a lot like my Dad and all my married/coupled friends) in my head saying “You should get a dog and a boyfriend and a mortgage,” and I don’t know how to reconcile those two things. Any thoughts?

Thanks,
Clueless in Columbia Heights

A: Dear Clueless,

You actually sound anything but clueless – I read you as a self-aware young man, reflecting on his life’s goals and purposes. It appears you are enjoying the life you are leading and feel no need to make any major changes at the current time.

The nagging voice you hear is one that all of us struggle with at some time during our lives – the “should” voice, the parental voice, the societal voice. After all, human beings are communal creatures, shaped by the values and mores of the families and cultures that we grow up in. Even as adults, our decision-making among the myriad possibilities and choices that face us every day is by necessity greatly influenced by these earlier exposures.

Ultimately, you need to choose a lifestyle that suits you here and now. Because any commitment to one path automatically rules out the “road not taken,” you may always struggle with the questions of “what if?” and “what else?” especially as a reflective person. This is part of the price of personhood.

A pet, a committed relationship and home ownership are major responsibilities and should ideally be undertaken when one feels that the pleasures gained will outweigh the sacrifices required. Who knows? Maybe a year from now the voice you hear may be your own longing for a Jack Russell, a serious relationship, and a condo?

Best of luck,
Gaga

Got a burning question for our moms? Send it to submit@thenewgay.net. Rocky’s mom will be back again next week to assist you with any and all of your problems. Until then!

Q: Dear Mom,

When I came out seven years ago, my father (and mother at the time) made it clear to me that from here on out, they have no interest in my personal life. In fact, my father went so far to say that he will no longer recognize that I have a social life outside of the family, as he has no interest in who I am dating (or the fact that I am dating at all). Since coming out, my sexuality has been locked away, bolted shut by my father’s conservative family values and disinterest in my personal life. My mother, on the other hand, has come to accept me for who I am and recognizes that I am, in fact, human, this is who I am, and that I date men.

With Thanksgiving and the holidays coming up, I can’t help but ponder the possibility of bringing someone home, be that person someone I might date or just simply gay friends. My twin brother’s girlfriend of four years is now an integral part of our family and attends all holiday events. How should I bring up the issue of bringing someone home with my parents, specifically my father who still doesn’t recognize my sexuality? I am tempted to either set a deadline or simply tell him that I will not be joining him for holidays or visiting him at all until he recognizes me completely and allows me to bring someone home. It would be great to get some outside parental advice as to how to approach this situation. Thanks!

-Kareem

A: Dear Kareem,

My first impulse is to say, “f*** you” to your father, but no, his feelings are as real as yours and mine, so let’s treat them with respect. Your father’s personality sounds so rigid and arbitrary, I hope he was able to be a good parent to you growing up on matters other than this one.

Start thinking through and making some decisions for yourself right now. When do you want to go, and how long do you want to stay? Exactly who do you want to go with, are they available, and anticipating the environment you expect, do they want to go? Perhaps, at this time, you can work more reasonably with your mother, whom I’m sure wants you to come visit during the holidays. Let her know what you would like to do, and let her advise you whether it is workable. Of course, I’m hoping it is.

If it is not workable, if your father would not reasonably tolerate you and your guest’s presence at a family holiday celebration, he must bear the consequences of his own splintered attitudes toward you. He should understand that it is unfair to expect you to have an engaging personal life with him, but a detached disinterested one away from him. Your twin brother can have one with and away from him, and he can bring his girlfriend to all of the family’s social gatherings if he chooses. Your father is treating you as less than a full son, and if there is any sense of fairness in him, that inconsistency must change. If, given his dreaded “conservative family values” it doesn’t, you should be careful not to indulge it. I agree that you must make it clear that you will not visit him until he recognizes you completely including welcoming visitors of your choice into his home.

I thought I sensed a note of angry confrontation in your question, and while you can see that I generally agree with the way you are approaching the problem, I would like to counsel you to resist being resentful about it. So often when parents are being ridiculously arbitrary with their children, they are unknowingly terribly afraid for them while loving them desperately (or less charitably, they may be narcissistic). They want to coerce you to change. Of course, your father’s reaction is adversely affecting everyone in the family, and if you are not there, you will be dearly missed. Perhaps other allies may be available to help you turn things around. Consider all of the options and perhaps you can to help him learn to change.

Please take care to enjoy the upcoming holidays in the ways that bring the most joy to you. I believe that when we truly are doing the very best thing that we can for ourselves, we also de facto are doing the very best thing for everyone else involved (even when it doesn’t seem like it!).

Love,
Mom

Got a question for our moms? Send it to submit@thenewgay.net! Gaga will be back next week to dispense a little more motherly wisdom. Until then!

Q: Dear Moms,

As someone who is transgender, I am planning to eventually change my birth name to one that fits my gender identity. haven’t told either of my parents about the name change plan, because I don’t know how they’d react considering they are the ones who chose the birth name to bestow upon me.

So my question is: How would you, as a parent, react to your child who says they are planning to officially change the name that you gave them?

-L

A: Dear L,

You ask how I would react as a parent. I would likely struggle with my child’s name change, but eventually come to accept his/her decision. After all, choosing a newborn’s name is an incredibly charged, meaningful act for a parent, not to mention the import it will have on the child’s emerging identity over time.

Ask me again as an adult whose never felt kindred with her first name, who fantasizes about the possibility of changing it. (maybe to “Skylar,” nickname “Sky”?). Then my take on your situation is utterly altered to celebrate your decision to change your name as key to claiming your new identity.

Furthermore, I would urge you to clearly and calmly explain your thoughts to your family. If you want them to call you by your new name and they are respectful of your request, fine. If not, you might consider setting a deadline with them after which you will no longer respond to your old name, only your new one.

Best of luck to you,

Gaga

Got a question for our moms? Send it to submit@thenewgay.net!

Q: Dear Mom,

I wonder if you would have had a different experience if it were your daughter who was gay. Does Rocky have siblings? If you had a lesbian daughter what, if anything would have been different for you?

-J

A: Dear J,

I can only imagine, but if my daughter had been gay, I think I would have been OK with that in the same sense that I am with Rocky. For me, as my children’s mother, it is less about prescribed gender roles and expectations (the way I was raised) and more about accepting them all along the way as the people they were growing up to be. Being a guardian of their individuality was my guiding principle, although I know I missed the boat at times.

In fact, Rocky has a sister who is fifteen years older than he is. (Now that was something, his dad and I pregnant with him when she was fifteen and almost out of high school!) My daughter and her husband were married in a simple ritual at city hall in Washington, DC some years ago and have chosen to pursue their lives together as a couple, i.e. never to have children. Ever. At all. Did I miss the big family wedding and the grandkids? Yes, but perhaps if she had been gay, she and her partner would have lived together and started a family right away! Well, it might not have been so easy as that sounds, but my point is that parents of gay daughters may not necessarily get weddings or become grandparents or fulfill other traditional gender expectations for reasons other than that their daughters or sons are gay. But then again, they just might.

I believe that each child expresses her/his own truth, and hopefully, each parent is there to express support. Accepting my heterosexual daughter and my gay son and the unique choices that they make for their lives is my strategy for continuing to enjoy the experience of being mom to them both.

Got a question for our moms? Send it to submit@thenewgay.net! See you next week!

Q: Dear Moms,

Despite us all being adults, my family situation is often very tense.  I think a lot of it is due to my mom’s hyper-idealized image of our family which we never live up to.  The older she gets, the more she gets disappointed by how little we resemble a Norman Rockwell family portrait.  What can I do to help my mom realize that she needs to love and appreciate what she has instead of pining for what will never be?  At this rate, she’ll lose what she has altogether.

-M

A: Dear M,

I’m convinced that struggling with relationships within our families of origin when we become adults is one of life’s givens and a near universal challenge.

You don’t say how old you are, but it’s not necessarily relevant to what I’m about to say which is the majority of Americans alive today have had some exposure to the narrative entertainment and mythologies of “happy ever after” and/or a media culture that failed to mirror our own  families. I came of age in the 50′s and the WASP suburban family in the sitcom “Ozzie & Harriet” bore no resemblance to my own dysfunctional Jewish Midwestern family. (I watched the show religiously since my Uncle Ben was one of the staff writers.) These idealized expectations from the popular culture inform and burden us as we grow up and face life with all its messiness and complexity.

Since you mention that your mom’s disappointments with the family have increased as she’s aged, I’m wondering how much of her issue with your family are aggravated by her own aging and reckoning with her own failed dreams and hopes.

On a positive note I have seen relationships between adult children and parents radically improve if people are willing to commit to the pain of change, often through counseling or therapy. Would your mom consider seeing a professional, either individually or with the family?

Have you communicated to your mother clearly and calmly (it is nearly impossible to “hear” the words if the voice is angry) how upsetting her words and actions are to you?

If you find her behavior is completely toxic to you and your life, you should alert her to the possibility that one consequence of her behavior is the possibility of you estranging yourself from her. This is a drastic step indeed, but may need to be considered in order to protect yourself and your boundaries. I know a woman of 70 who ended her relationship with her 104 year old mother!

Good luck to you in dealing w/ this issue.

Love,
Mom

Do you have a question for our moms? Send it to submit@thenewgay.net!

Q: Dear Mom,

When your child first comes out, there are a lot of things a parent could be wary or scared of. But now that your son is out, have you discovered any specific advantages to having a gay child?

-R

A: When my child first came out, I was so excited! His dad and the doctor saw him first, and then the nurse. They were all exclaiming over him admiringly while I still sat, my feet up in the stirrups with a sheet draped over my knees, where I couldn’t see a thing. After a few moments, I finally said, “Can I see the baby?” and they said, ” Oh, sure…” and placed him on my chest. I wasn’t scared or wary about anything, just very, very happy. Ah, yes, forgive me, that’s one of my favorite memories.

Advantages to having a gay child? I don’t think so. Wait, I just mean I don’t think in those terms. I don’t think of my son in terms of labels. He just is who he is. Well, he’s gay, and he’s middle class, and he’s African-American, and he’s a Washingtonian, and a lot of other attributes if you want to go there. I think of him “holistically” if you will, and I have told him – and it’s another one of my favorite ways of thinking about him – that I didn’t want to have a baby when he was born. I wanted him. I wanted Rocky.

From the start, as I grew to know who he was as a little one and is today as a man and through all the years in between, I have enjoyed the privilege of getting to know the unique human being that he is. I am glad that he was born into the generation that he was, so that he can live in greater freedom as a gay man than before, but that advantage accrues to timing more than anything else. And I’m glad he was born here for the same reason. My gay son can also broaden my outlooks on myriad issues that I might never have fully appreciated without his access. And he can send me funny birthday cards for moms of gay kids that I might never see otherwise.

His specialness to me doesn’t have much to do with his sexual orientation per se, but qualities of his that go way deeper and continue to unfold to my wonder and delight. I’m his biggest fan. Thanks for the question!

Love,
Mom

Q: Dear Moms,

During your 20′s did you have any gay friends or know any openly gay
people? What did it mean to be “openly gay” in your youth? Did you
know people who were involved in activism for equal rights (women’s
rights/minority rights/gay rights?) Were you?

-J

A: Dear J-

My best friend at the U. of Michigan my freshman year, circa 1963, was Michael G. He had dyed blonde hair, perfectly manicured nails and a fabulous collection of madras shirts. He also owned a motorcycle which took us every Wednesday night to Leo Pings in downtown Ann Arbor where we ate Hong Kong steak & barbecued spareribs.

I knew that he was ridiculed and the object of name-calling by some other students but it never affected my relationship with him. To be “openly gay” back in those days usually meant flamboyant and effeminate a la Liberace. I have no recollection of knowing any lesbians. Reflecting back 45 years, I’m struck by how narrow a cultural world most Americans inhabited and how seismic would be the transformations set in motion by the assassination of JFK.

While there are three generations of political radicals in my family (Zionist grandparents, Communist aunt and uncle, Weatherman cousin), I myself have chosen to work on behalf of educational and community reform.
That said, I am very disturbed by the huge numbers of homeless gay teens in the Chicago area and could see myself committing to this issue in the future.

Gaga

Q: Dear Moms,

What do you do when someone is a really bad kisser? I’ve experienced a whole range of sloppy kissing styles that feel more like cave exploration. Can someone re-learn how to kiss? Do you tell the bad kisser or end it? Does it make sense to tell him or her to prevent more bad kisses in the future? How does one go about this?

Sincerely,
Tired of Spelunking

A: Dear Spelunking,

In general, simple and direct is the best way to deliver interpersonal communication, but this is one of those times when you just have to gather a little courage and take responsibility to share some nuanced honesty with your partner. I’m assuming that this person is important and special to you and, therefore, worth the effort of working together to discover all of the satisfying dimensions of your physical compatibility. Sounds like you already know how you like to give kisses. Now it is time to let it be known exactly how you would like to receive this unique experience from the sexual repetoire.

A beautifully executed loving kiss is a captivating experience, and one that should certainly take up its rightful place in the playbook, not necessarily replacing, but certainly refining the big, wet, slobbery smooch that can still retain its place in the skill set when executed at the right time (maybe by your favorite big dog). Perhaps your partner simply has never been schooled in these particulars, in which case, you get to provide the education that may open a whole new world of sensation for him or her. However, don’t view this venture as a somehow unpleasant vaguely aggressive confrontation, but as a novelty and the sharing of deeper intimacy. One note of caution, unexpected vulnerability may arise from a softly passionate kiss for one or the both of you.

While your partner will benefit from learning what will enhance your kissing experiences, you will benefit from learning the value of communicating explicitly about the sexual sensations that you need to feel satisfied, and practicing how to talk maturely to your partner about these things. Thank goodness, if you speak up, the outcome will be more pleasure and joy for you no matter who kisses you in the future!

Love,
Mom

Q: Dear Moms,

Are you a member of PFLAG or any other supportive groups for LGBTQ friends and family? If so, what are the benefits of organizations like this to you, and if not, why not?

-J

A: Dear J,

The day after Zack told my husband, Robert, and I that he was gay at the beginning of his sophomore year of college, we drove six hours from rural Ohio home to Chicago. The trip seemed to last days, not hours. All the journalistic questions — who? what? where? when? how? why? — were bouncing around in our heads or between us in conversation as we tried to make sense of Zack’s news.

I did call PFLAG shortly after we arrived home, both having heard good things about the organization, and initially feeling isolated and confused. The nearest chapter was somewhat distant from our home, only met once a month, and we had trouble around scheduling. As time passed, we felt less of a need for a support group, as we educated ourselves and spoke with other folks that we knew. Mostly, though, it was a result of our integrating this new facet of Zack’s identity with the love we’ve always felt for him.

That said, as parent-child relationships (like all meaningful relationships) can be challenging, if I ever felt the need I would absolutely use PFLAG as a resource.

GAGA

Got a question for our moms? Send any and all queries to submit@thenewgay.net and they will be answered posthaste. Rocky’s mom, Daisy, will be back next Friday! See you next week!

Q: Dear Moms,

I came out to my parents last year and they mostly took it really well, but we haven’t really talked about it much since then, especially with my mom. I don’t want everything to be about my sexual orientation, but I also kind of feel like they’re ignoring it. Is there some way to bring it up subtly and naturally without making things uncomfortable?

-J

A: Dear J,

I’m glad your parents welcomed your coming out last year. It was an important milestone that marked, among other things, your family’s entry into a stage where you can relate to each other as mature adults. Sounds like the process has stalled this year, apparently because of your parents’ inability, especially your mom’s, to communicate freely with you, and your consequential reticence to talk about things related to your sexual orientation.

Although you’re all adults now, accepting and talking about your life freely may not all come at once. I don’t remember ever having a conversation with either of my parents about adult sexuality. (And, hey, I’m hetero; it would have been easy!) There are cultural and personal barriers that include all sorts of prohibitions against talking out loud about these things that are gradually toppling as enlightenment moves through the generations, but everyone hasn’t yet gotten the memo. Simple embarrassment and ignorance, complex fears and misgivings, and inadequate vocabularies still predominate. But compassionate parents usually respond when they realize that their child is feeling even a little bit abandoned, so I’m glad you aren’t willing to assume that your family’s disconnect has to go on.

I can’t think of a way to make this subtle, natural, or comfortable, but maybe, if it seems appropriate, try this. Ask if they’d be willing to read something about your sexual orientation and lifestyle. If so, get them a primer. Disregard the odd role reversal here, just bring the sexual news to them. Or I suppose you could just leave something lying around.

Meanwhile, dig a little deeper inside yourself to clarify what the possibility that they are ignoring your sexual orientation really means to you. Make a list of the peskiest thoughts and feelings that have been accumulating. This is for your information only. Use your list to help you identify exactly how you feel (uneasy? irritated? angry? worried about what they “really” think”), then start to frame an upcoming conversation. Talk it over with your best friends; get to the heart of the matter. Then tear up the list, forgive your parents, and sit down and level with them. Share what you have been thinking and feeling, and don’t leave until you hear what you need from them – the Truth.

I do hope that you can bring the light back into you family home again, but I think you’ll have to lead the way.

Dear Moms,

I expect that you are very understanding of your sons, otherwise you wouldn’t have agreed to do a feature such as this for a blog like this one. Still, I wonder if you can speak to what you felt and how you think other moms feel when their son or daughter comes out of the closet.

My mom spent the better part of two years explaining my orientation away as “just a phase.” In the meantime, I was struggling to find who I was. I often felt that I did not have my parents’ full support even though I knew it was just their way of coping. I don’t know if my mom still thinks it’s a phase or not, but she’s at least figured out that it upsets me to hear that from her.

She knows my boyfriend of two years and even buys him souvenirs when she travels, so I think she’s beginning to deal with things now. But her initial reaction was not as helpful as it could have been.

Did you feel grief or loss when your son revealed a new part of his Self to you or did you welcome the news?

Thanks for contributing. And thanks for producing such great sons. What would TNG be without them?

–Matt’

Dear Matt:

Thanks for your thoughtful question and kind words about my son, Zack.

Let me tell you about the August night when Zack told his father and me that he was gay: We were driving back to our B&B on a dark country road in rural Ohio. Zack was about to begin his sophomore year at Kenyon College. From the back seat, “Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you.” I remember my heart racing and my gut pulsing. I was convinced he was going to tell us that either he had gotten a girl pregnant or that he had contracted AIDS. (As he later told me, my husband Robert thought the same things.)

“I’m gay.”

I remember feeling that time was standing still, that I was stunned and that I needed to respond. So… out of a universe of responses what did I come up with? “Do you think you’ll get married and have kids?” and Zack wisely responded, “Mom, I’m only 20 years old. I’m not thinking about that.”

I believe every mom goes through a deep process of reflection upon a child’s sharing the news that they’re gay. And that process will be unique as the mother and child who are negotiating their way through this new territory. I’m hearing from what you’re saying about your mom’s process that while she may not have been as supportive initially as you would have liked that she is growing towards a place of greater acceptance of you and your gayness.

In my case, it has meant coming to view Zack’s gayness as much an authentic feature of his person as his integrity and candor or his wit and his enthusiasm. Initially, I was very concerned about what sorts of lifestyle choices he might make and whether they would jeopardize his well being in any way. The fact that he is in a meaningful relationship with a fine man pleases me.

Thanks again for the question.

Gaga

Rocky’s mom, Daisy, is on deck for next week. Send your questions to submit@thenewgay.net! See you next week!

“Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What’s that suppose to mean? In my heart it don’t mean a thing.” – Toni Morrison, Beloved

Do you ever feel this way? I am officially pushing 30 and yet every time I see my Mom, the first thing that comes out of her mouth is, “There’s my baaaaaby!” It’s maddening, yet supremely comforting at the same time. And, furthermore, don’t they just love to give you advice? Though it was something I used to resent as a teen, the more time I spend away from home the more I actually look forward to hearing my parents’ (sometimes tarnished) pearls of wisdom. From subjects as far reaching as family conflicts, romance issues and friendship splits, the more I actually let my parents give me advice the more I welcome it.

With this phenomenon in mind, TNG writers Rocky and Zack have harnessed the raw power of their own mothers to help you, our readers, make sense of your own lives. They are now at your service. No topic is too small, too personal or too nasty for our moms. (Well, within reason I guess. Maybe save your watersports questions for Summer Camp, ‘cuz dude that’s my mom!) Simply send your mother questions to submit@thenewgay.net and they will be answered with all the wisdom of your own honest-to-goodness mothers, and none of the nagging to have kids or come home and visit me, already.

Meet our Moms!

1. Gaga (Zack’s Mom)

Call me Gaga. Like my 3-year-old granddaughter Roxy does. Thanks to a charmed conspiracy of time and space, my husband Robert and I arrived 20 minutes after her birth at New York University Hospital where I held her for the first hour of her life, singing her a medley of my favorite songs: “Yellow Submarine,” “Ride Tenderfoot Ride” (a 1940’s cowboy song), and Leonard Cohen’s “Suzanne.” Though this peak experience granted me a brilliant entrance into official grandmotherhood, I have long considered myself a wise elder whose sagacious skills were honed by years spent practicing social work, raising three lively, complicated children, and trusting my strong intuitive streak.

I have one foot in the 19th-century Russian-Polish shtetls of my grandparents, bequeathing me an ironic world view, an anxious hyper-vigilance that functioned as a survival mechanism for my ancestors, a passion for food and feasting, a reverence for word, story and conversation spiced with argument and interruption, and a commitment to social justice.

The other foot is firmly planted in a 21st-century urban zeitgeist sans high technological savvy. (I adore e-mail and the internet but don’t own an iPhone or a Blackberry.) I’m a third-generation Northside Chicagoan, a Bulls fan since the 70’s, descended from tall voluble overbearing artists and socialists on my paternal side and short, superstitious fluent Yiddish speakers on the maternal. I have an eclectic brew of chums, young and old, male and female, straight and gay, my newest posse being the young writers with whom I conduct middle-school writing workshops.

Here are a few of my favorite things: Lamb riblets, Good Night Moon, The Law & Order franchise, Chinese medicine, cat breath, vintage watches, early 20th-century French music, and neuroscience.

Tender as a matzo ball, breezy as a gust off lake Michigan. I will do my very best to help you deal with any and all of your problems!

2. Daisy (Rocky’s Mom)

Hi, I’m Daisy, Rocky’s Mom. It’s a warm and humid day here in New Jersey, where my husband Wil and I live with our twelve year old husky-shepherd Leonardo. I have been retired for a few years now from a career of work at a private independent school in the Washington area and government service at the Library of Congress, the House of Representatives and the Senate. These days I teach knitting and crochet, my favorite hobbies, to the local residents. I’ll admit that I may be a bit overweight and I do not especially love to exercise, but I’m still a work in progress. My some of you could offer me a bit of advice about that. . .

Anyway, I’m very excited that Rocky invited me to contribute to this column! I guess he’s hoping I’ll be wise, and I’ll do my best, but really I’m just flattered to know that he thinks so highly of my counsel that it should be shared more broadly. After all, one might not have discerned that opinion from his general reactions to my brilliant suggestions in years past. Well, that’s all history now, and I am looking forward to replying with my best ideas and feelings to the queries that you may care to present in the columns to come. Welcome one and all!

Got a burning question that only a mother could answer? Send it to us at submit@thenewgay.net. Gaga will be here next week to answer all your queer-ies! Until then!