Learning To Drive Stick
Don’t tell me that the first date is super casual… jeans and t-shirts attire. I don’t date like that. I don’t do jeans and t-shirts in general. I do pencil skirts, I do slacks. This to me just translates to “I’m lazy and can’t force myself to dress nicely for you, so rather than feel badly about my attire, I’m going to tell you to dumb it down too.”
He told me that everything ends, and usually badly. That he hasn’t seen examples of it working, of there not being heartbreak, of him not being the cause. Boy with a fragile sense of self enters the dating world and is eaten alive. Now, at 39, he is so deeply imbedded in a pattern of belief that everything he touches, everyone he touches, will break. How do you convince someone otherwise? How do you hold someone’s hand and show them that they deserve to not be alone? That they deserve to let someone in and be loved? How do you do that, when they don’t believe in their core self that they are worthy of any love and that if anyone does seem to love them, surely they must be fooled?
Weeks. We haven’t talked. Emails not returned. Texts ignored. The silent treatment again. I get too close… Type Geek pushes back with greater force. My gut tells me it’s done. I have done all I could, said all I could, presented my best arguments for why YES, rather than why NO. Fear and shame are tricky things, and he has mountains of both.
Type Geek is still the man I love, it just is reaching a point at which I need some emotional B-12. It makes me sad to recognize it, but loving a two-dimensional man is growing to be exhausting and without some sign on his end, other than fear, I am finding myself lacking the ability to rally, as I had in the past.
When I was a little girl I loved John Cougar (Mellencamp). I still do in fact. Even when I was (my stylist loves this bit) GOTH (yes, you can stop laughing now), even then, I secretly rocked out to the simplicity of JCM’s world. If you liked someone, you just hung out at ice cream shops in the summer, it wasn’t so hard. But JCM’s world didn’t have lesbians that suddenly find themselves in love with the barnyard after swimming with the fishes for the majority of their adult romantic life.
This subject became the hot button topic last night among a wide circle of friends. My feelings on open relationships have fluctuated to the area of, “Perhaps it is necessary to have some needs met outside of a marriage, if ALL aren’t being met inside and the relationship is otherwise amazing,” to “Hmm, I don’t think I could handle the emotional and health risks of my partner or myself having an extracurricular partner.”