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About Topher Burns

TV Columnist

Topher Burns learned everything he knows about television from a childhood of watching PBS, and learned everything he knows about being gay from a childhood of pretending he was a My Little Pony.

Recent Posts by Topher Burns:

Culture, Television »

[27 Sep 2011 | 5 Comments | ]
Ending Where It All Began – Danny, Real World New Orleans

I was a junior in high school and my family didn’t have cable, so in order to watch Real World I’d hang out with my friend Liz. Liz and her friends were all Mormons, and Liz and I thought we were into each other. We gave it our best shot, but really we didn’t stand a chance. Plenty of gay guys had sex with girls in high school, but I doubt many of them did while hanging out with Mormons and watching a TV show featuring adorable, openly gay, too-good-to-be true Southern hunk Danny Roberts.

Culture, Television »

[20 Sep 2011 | 4 Comments | ]
K-Y’s Couple Confessional Commercials Lez Out

Much to my dismay, K-Y has taken a slanderous stance with their new commercial featuring a lesbian couple – foully insinuating that a homosexual couple might actually need outside help in order to bring each other to mutual and multiple waves of soul-shattering sexual ecstasy.

Culture, Television »

[13 Sep 2011 | 3 Comments | ]
NBC’s “Whitney” Disguises Lazy Misogyny as Feminist Comedy

Clearly Whitney has skated by in life by being trashy-hot and loudly saying bad things about herself that she tries to pass off as the truth about women. Sorry, Whitney, not all women are emotionally manipulative and proud of it – that sounds like a you thing. Frankly, this crap goes way beyond misogyny into sociopathy, because what’s clearly the much bigger crime here is being committed against us all. This “I’ll tell you the truth about women” thing has been done to death by far greater comics than Whitney Cummings. Being offensive in comedy is often forgivable, but being boring and behind the times is an unpardonable transgression.

Culture, Television »

[30 Aug 2011 | One Comment | ]
Wilfred the Dog

It’s been a while since TNG anointed its next New Gay Sex Symbol, so we wanted to really take things to the next level. Sure, guys are hot and all, but you know what’s hotter? Dogs. Being attracted to human males just isn’t cutting it these days – it’s so DONE, ya know? And one pooch in particular has really got us howling: Wilfred. Here are the reasons why we’re hoping to cross the final frontier, and make Wilfred into man’s best friend with benefits…

Television »

[23 Aug 2011 | Comments Off | ]
Current TV Breaking Off Some Red-Hot Drag Realness

In 50 Documentaries To See Before You Die Morgan Spurlock goes to Pittsburgh to investigate the ballroom scene. Think Spurlock’s got what it takes to strike a pose worthy of joining the legendary House of LaBeija? I don’t either, but it should still be worth seeing.

Culture, Media »

[18 Aug 2011 | 6 Comments | ]
New York Mag Profile of Andrej Pejic – He’s only a model, after all.

Alex Morris, the profile’s author, takes what I find to be one of the most riveting pop/fashion stories of our time, stands it up in front of himself, hands it a glass of champagne and says “cheers darling, let’s talk about something else.”

Culture, Television »

[15 Aug 2011 | 2 Comments | ]
Most Eligible Dallas – As If You Needed Another Reason to Hate Texans

Watching Most Eligible Dallas is like sitting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office next to a middle-aged woman who has just farted. If all the aspects of the situation were different then perhaps it would be a funny story to tell, but instead it’s boring and it’s stinky and just painfully average, and you know it’s going to last for WAY longer than your patience will.

Culture, Television »

[21 Jul 2011 | 2 Comments | ]
Rebekah Brooks – Evil, Lesbian-Haired Beauty

At once both Kenny-G and Sideshow Bob, for some reason her hair is hitting all my buttons. There’s just something about those twisted crimson tentacles that draws me in heart and soul. While she stone-facedly simpers and apologizes to the press and public, her tresses tell a totally different story: “I’m lying! I’ve never been sorry!…”

Culture, Television »

[19 Jul 2011 | 6 Comments | ]
Smug liberals are boring and dangerous

God I get so bored with liberal smugness. It’s like having a man who you know is impotent try and talk dirty to you. Just lay off, we both know nothing’s going to come of this!

Culture, Television »

[14 Jul 2011 | Comments Off | ]
Strachey Mysteries – More Booty Call Than Boyfriend Material

In our single lives we’ve all had those people who we sleep with, but we don’t necessarily make a big deal about. We don’t introduce them to our friends, we don’t call them to spend a nice evening out on the town together. Generally, we text them on our way home from a bar and say “what’s up? You wanna hang?” It’s harmless, if hollow, recreation. Such are the Donald Strachey mysteries, adapted from book to tv movie for here! media