The Adventures of the Boi Wonder: Dealing with Interpersonal Trauma
“I’m so tired, sheep are counting me
No more struggle, no more energy
No more patient and you can write that down
It’s all too crazy and I’m not sticking round”
–”I’m So Tired” by Fugazi
There is this intense feeling of numbness and exhaustion in the days following a horrific event in a family (or family-like circle of friends,) especially when one hasn’t really been sleeping anyway. The headache that I had for a week probably wasn’t helping to cure the numbness and exhaustion either. But at least now I have classes as a reason to force myself to go to sleep in order to be mostly functional.
Being away from home is probably a blessing and a curse in this situation. The blessing is that I no longer think about it every single day, because I have to focus on other things like classes and interacting with people. It is a curse because I feel out of the loop with that is going on, am not physically around to be helpful anymore, and most worrisome of it all, I have no idea whether or not I’m still a powder keg of emotion and rage. Is it still going to hit me at some random time that this traumatic and ongoing thing happened? What will happen when it does?
I honestly don’t know how the rest of my family is currently coping, everything seemed really normal after initial event. Quiet, but it was relatively normal. It confused the fuck out of me, but I tried to go along with it. Now that I am away from my family, I can’t look to them to see the correct way to act about things…I’m essentially on my own when it comes to this. Then again, I feel roughly the same about my transition…And I’m barely handling that well. With the forcing back into socialization through returning back to campus, my ability to deal with both trauma and the daily (and increased dysphoria) is compromised. I feel like the walking dead, but am also horribly hyper-aware of a lot of things. It is a really odd feeling, kind of creepy and unnerving in a way.
I know there is a road to recovery; I’m just trying to find out what it is and how it will work out for me. How have you all coped in these kinds of situations?
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