Submission by Rioa, first-time contributor. In accordance with the traditions of the 12-step philosophy, Rioa chooses to remain anonymous, and asks that this choice be respected

Call me Rioa. It’s not my name but it will do for a handle. Don’t ask my name – I will not tell you. Please do not try to figure out who I am, and If you think you know who I am, please keep it to yourself. After all, in this community, we all understand why outing people is a no-no, don’t we? It’s the same in another community I belong to.

I’ve heard the expression “family of origin” in two contexts: in a queer context, and in a 12-step context. From the first time I stepped into “the rooms” and became a part of the 12-step family, I began to notice similarities between the code words we use in these two communities. Certain concepts are similarly core to the lives and realities of queer folks and to the lives of addicts. The daily decisions about who we’re going to be “out” to, focus on family of origin versus family of choice, the centrality of supportive community, and overarching all of this, the need for self-acceptance.

It’s an interesting parallel which makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Both are groups of people who are routinely stigmatized in society, both groups are more likely than the average person to face rejection of family and friends. Both groups share susceptibility to isolation and depression. In these areas especially, both folks in the LGBTQ family and in the family of addicts in recovery, share a need for support and community, for a space (sometimes a discreet space) in which to gather with like-minded individuals with whom they can share their burdens and successes, joys and sorrows. Both groups are a part of something that the larger world generally speaking, just doesn’t quite “get.”

The disturbing aspect of this observation is that it is precisely the 12-step program of recovery that many ex-gay groups exploit in their mission to convince us queers that our “deviant proclivities” are no different from an addiction from which we can recover if only we become willing. It’s disturbing to me both as a queer person and as a 12-stepper, since this abuse of the 12 steps and 12 traditions serves to delegitimize two very integral parts of my life. The one is simply a fact of my life and identity that runs to the very core of my self and soul, my queerness. The other is a system which has literally saved my life and brought me from insanity to sanity in more ways than even I can know. If I must be honest (which I must… it is a part of recovery) if I think about it, it seems that there is very little objective factual evidence to show that there really is a difference between same-sex attraction and addiction. If I think about an addict in recovery in comparison with a person struggling to overcome same-sex attraction, they look very similar. Each one struggles each day with an urge, a desire, something that is likely part of their DNA. Each is susceptible to relapse at any moment, each is likely faced every day with the feeling that they would be happier if they just let go and gave in to the urge, fell off the wagon, and each makes a choice to “act as if” they believe that they are better off not giving in to the addiction, the attraction, until they do believe it, and it becomes true for them. Both surrender their power over this urge to a Higher Power to which they pray to have it removed from them. On the one side, if you buy into 12-step, this could make same-sex attraction look like something that can be overcome. On the other side, if you would condemn the ex-gay movement, it makes 12-step look like brainwashing. How can a thinking queer addict in recovery resolve this quandary?

I suppose I must admit that the 12-step approach to addiction recovery is, indeed, a form of brainwashing. It is a means by which to make a person accept a reality in which they do not yet believe, to live in a way they are naturally inclined against. There is no way to acknowledge this truth without admitting that the whole process is a method of brainwashing, complete with repetition of slogans and propaganda material. And it is absolutely true that this method of brainwashing may be applied with greater or lesser degrees of success to people who wish to be “cured” of their inclination toward same-sex attraction… because the fact is that we in recovery by the 12-step method, though we all wish we could be cured, know that we cannot be. The disease of addiction is chronic and recurring, and ultimately incurable… but it is manageable. And a person may, indeed, similarly “manage” their sexuality if they choose to.

But here is the difference: addiction kills. Being queer does not.

There is no cure for addiction that has yet been found. If the best method that has been discovered for the management of this disease is a form of brainwashing, then thank God for it. The fact is that this brainwashing is brainwashing with Truth. For an alcoholic, that one drink her brain tells her that she wants, the one that will make all of her problems disappear, is nothing more than a step toward her own demise. A person addicted to alcohol cannot have a healthy or moderate relationship with it. A drug addict cannot get high occasionally. A compulsive overeater lets a tiger out of its cage every time he sits down to a meal or snack, and lives in a state of constant vigilance. The disease of addiction, however, distorts the addict’s perception of reality, and works to convince her that one drink won’t hurt. That’s where the Program of Recovery comes in, to counter that voice with another voice. Even if it is propaganda, even if it is brainwashing, it is in the service of saving the addict’s life. Will the stress of refraining from an addiction throw a person into depression that could possibly spiral toward their death? Yes, unfortunately, that is always a danger. But the refraining is much less likely to kill than the giving in.

Apply these principles to the exploitation of the 12-step model by the ex-gay movement: there is no “cure” for same-sex attraction. The way in which some people try to “overcome” is by being subjected to a form of brainwashing. But will a romantic encounter with a person of the same sex lead to a deadly downward spiral? Unless the person is also a sex-addict (which is its own issue with its own 12-step fellowship) then probably not, so long as it is safe and consensual… the same is true for any heterosexual romantic encounter. A queer person seeking a relationship, companionship, and/or sex, is not special. In fact, he is a perfectly typical human being seeking to fulfill perfectly typical human needs. This is not what the 12-step model was designed to address. 12-step is about managing a disease, and if misapplied to normal healthy behavior and desires, then it becomes the disease. When a queer person gives in and accepts their queerness, will they fall into a depression that could possibly spiral toward their death? Yes, unfortunately, that is always a danger. But the giving in is much less likely to kill than the suppression.

The real similarity, again, between these two communities, LGBTQ community and the Recovery community, is the centrality of mutual support and self-acceptance. For the one, it is acceptance of the self that keeps the addiction at bay. For the other, it is acceptance of self that allows us to be queer and proud.