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26 July 2011, 2:00 pm No Comments

Learning To Drive Stick: Testing the Waters

his toes in the surfIt isn’t that I necessarily planned on taking a break from Type Geek, per se. It just sort of happened. He was prepping for a big conference, we couldn’t seem to coordinate schedules, then he left and got pissed off about a nice gesture I made, which he took out of context and reacted as such, and then I told him I wouldn’t talk to him til he got back in town, because at first I felt badly that he was upset, seeing how he could take the gesture the wrong way.

Basically, I spent 36 hours trying to get a bottle of scotch delivered to his hotel room prior to his arrival. The hotel kept screwing it up and passing me from department to department, until finally, 2 hours before he checked in, 7 people and multiple emails from where I began, someone was able to help me. He would not have known anything about this, because I specifically told the hotel that I was trying to surprise said gentleman friend with a bottle of scotch for his arrival and that I just wanted it, along with a note, in his room prior to his check in; however, the Front Desk Supervisor and the bartender took him aside separately, in front of the conference organizers, to apologize and make grand postures about how sorry they were for the difficult time. OK, he isn’t a goddamn diva with crazy demands that weren’t fulfilled. I was simply trying to get the man some scotch, I am the one who had difficultly and deserved an apology. Instead, I received an angry flurry of texts from him, moments after his arrival, moments after his apology attack, moments after his trying to explain what was wrong, or not wrong, to the conference organizers who witnessed it all. He felt I made him look unprofessional. My behavior negatively affected his well-crafted industry image. It didn’t  (not really) but in that moment, it did. He let me know that. So, I backed down and didn’t text or call, figuring I would touch base when he got back in town.

Only, once that day came, I decided I wasn’t going to be the one chasing after a phone call. Three days after he arrived home, he texted. One sentence, just saying that we ” should get together soon, no? ” I didn’t respond. I felt that perhaps a teeny bit more enthusiasm or interest in seeing me or finding out how my week had been would be nice, and that I was going to wait it out a bit longer. I thought I would hear from him within 48 hours of that message, only I didn’t. I suddenly feel that it’s really important for me to create that distance and find out if he would wonder about me, whether he would voice any concern or interest. It’s a game in many senses, but it is also just sheer emotional exhaustion in  bigger sense.

I’m wondering if I have hit my wall with regards to his insecurity and emotional dysfunction. I’m not sure. What I do know is that I find myself flirting back with strangers more. I’m looking at Google+ as the new OKCupid, which isn’t intentional, however, little bonds are being created here and there with different people, and I see how someone could bring that life from virtual to cocktails, quite easily. Am I doing that? No. I have not given anyone my number, it isn’t in the plan. Type Geek is still the man I love, it just is reaching a point at which I need some emotional B-12. It makes me sad to recognize it, but loving a two-dimensional man is growing to be exhausting and without some sign on his end, other than fear, I am finding myself lacking the ability to rally, as I had in the past. I love him, so much, but what do you do when loving someone isn’t enough to make everything ok?

Find me on Google+ !! ” Jane Michaels ” … if you need an invite to Google +, let me know, I’ll get you in.

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