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21 July 2011, 12:00 pm 2 Comments

TV: Rebekah Brooks – Evil, Lesbian-Haired Beauty

This post was submitted by Topher Burns

As the News of the World hacking scandal raced across the globe, I was immediately and inescapably transfixed.  Shadowy media megaliths are entrancing in their own regard.  Major scandals more so.  Hacking even more again.  Yet while television news broadcasts continue whipping themselves into a frenzy, one on-screen dominant presence is setting off a miniature frenzy of its own in my head – Rebekah Brooks’ boldly defiant heap of untamed flaming red curls.

At once both Kenny-G and Sideshow Bob, her hair is ubiquitous on this week’s news programs and for some reason it is hitting all my buttons.  There’s just something about those twisted crimson tentacles that draws me in heart and soul.  While she stone-facedly simpers and apologizes to the press and public, her tresses tell a totally different story: “I’m lying!  I’ve never been sorry!  I’d do it all again in a heartbeat you mewling cowards!  I will live to see all of you crushed and destroyed, ground into the dust under the heels of those who dare to conquer and take what they will, laughing as the wind whips away the final piteous moans of the defeated!”

I’m not the only one who’s clued in to Rebekah’s vibe.  My new favorite blog LesbianHair picked up what Bekah’s laying down.  In a post that positively capers with Britishness, LesbianHair sums up Ms. Brooks’ blithely bad-bitch ‘do as such:

(courtesy ssoosay, flickr.com)

“1. She’s a bit of alright.

2. If you plonk a ginger wig atop Kate Middleton’s lollipop head, and you get Rebekah Brooks.

3. It’s not entirely ridiculous to suggest that she could be played by the beautiful Amy Adams in the film all about this. (No surprises as to who Michael Sheen would play.  I’m vying for a shar pei in glasses to channel Murdoch.)

4. She is very possibly from a parallel universe where Nicole Kidman didn’t use Botox.

So, we know she’s fit.  But is Rebekah’s hair lesbiany?  Yes.  Why?  Because of the 90s.  Her hair is massively 90s, and 90s seems to be big in the queer scene right now.  Also, she’s powerful and sexy and mean.  She might not deserve to retain her role as CEO of News International, but she certainly deserves to be [on our site].  We’re crushing hard.”

Now that they mention it, she does have a flash of early-nineties Shannon Doherty about her, doesn’t she?

Bottom line, could we call all these criminal proceedings over and done with if Rebekah danced to Willow Smith’s “Whip My Hair”?

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