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28 June 2011, 9:00 am No Comments

Learning To Drive Stick: Monogamy: How Realistic is it, Really?

Submission by Student Driver. Follow Student Driver, a life-long lesbian-identified woman as she dabbles in the world of heterosexuality, in the syndicated ladysex column “Learning To Drive Stick.”

This subject became the hot button topic last night among a wide circle of friends. My feelings on open relationships have fluctuated to the area of, “Perhaps it is necessary to have some needs met outside of a marriage, if ALL aren’t being met inside and the relationship is otherwise amazing,” to “Hmm, I don’t think I could handle the emotional and health risks of my partner or myself having an extracurricular partner.”

Years ago, when my sex drive was nonexistent and it created an issue with my partners, who always said, “When you want it Student Driver, it’s REALLY good, you just don’t want it much.” So, I got thumbs up for my performance all the time, BUT I would rather have bowled most nights. For full disclosure, it was a medically proven low hormone issue that was causing my body to have such ambivalence towards sex. So in those days, I realized that anyone who loved me, was also potentially subjecting themselves to a life of once a month sex. Definitely NOT enough. I considered it and decided that , at that time, I could understand and would be reasonable to a partner having an outside activity partner if it was only sexual in nature, didn’t interfere with our relationship, and they were safe.

Flash forward to 2011. I have the sex drive of a 19-year-old boy who snorted his dad’s Viagra while attending the Adult Video Awards. I could fuck all the time. Type Geek is lucky, only he doesn’t really get it. To find a woman who is attractive and wants to fuck you 24-7, well buddy, that is a real gift from the universe. Because my super human sexual prowess now, and because he always tells me how good our sex is, I would have a real issue with Type Geek having sex with other people IF he ever officially makes this a real relationship. On the side, is he having sex with anyone else? I don’t think so, at least, not on the more regular basis in which he is with me. Perhaps he has had one or two encounters this year other than me. We haven’t talked about it but we are back to using condoms even though I am on the pill, so I tend to lean towards him having been with someone other than me. Do I consider it unfaithful? Not really. Technically he isn’t my boyfriend. Technically I am not his girlfriend, but I behave as such, because I feel as such.

This post isn’t about Type Geek though. It’s about the bigger question of monogamy. How realistic is it? In the beginning, sure, maybe it is easy. How about after kids or after a decade? After health issues resulting in disability or significant weight gain/loss. Your partner loses their attractiveness, but you still love them. Is monogamy a black and white thing? Can relationships redefine a model of behavior that works for them but isn’t as stringent or as simple as a yes or no? Should a relationship just end, if any of these issues crop up, even if the relationship works on other levels?

What have been your personal experiences with monogamy? I am not asking about outright obvious cheating, but a more complicated type of infidelity, in which perhaps the act is what keeps the marriage together.


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