This post was submitted by Topher Burns

Congressman Aaron Schock has never said anything that I thought was worth listening to.  He’s virulently opposed to gay and women’s rights, and he’s just a real tool.  Fortunately, he completely agrees with me that his thoughts and opinions are of no merit whatsoever, and as such has taken bold steps to ensure that everyone else stops considering him in any way sentient.

Boom.  Men’s Health magazine cover.  Now instead of being grouped in the national consciousness with some of the greatest speakers and political minds our country has ever seen, Schock is likening himself to Vin Diesel.

The pretense for this flesh-fest is flimsy at best: Schock is teaming up with Men’s Health to promote national physical fitness.  While fighting obesity is without a doubt a worthy cause to rally behind, I think the only physical exercise Schock’s PR campaign is bound to inspire in most of our readers is of the furtive, anaerobic kind unlikely to result in major weight loss.  There’s a huge difference between educating Americans on the benefits of regular activity and healthy eating choices, and hitting on Americans by greasing up your freshly shorn torso.

Thank god Schock didn’t listen to his more cautious advisers who have in the past prevailed upon him to focus on establishing credibility for this youthful freshman lawmaker.  They probably would have had him doing The Dougie!  Instead, we’re now given complete license to forget that Schock is a person.  He’s now a sex object, and that means that anything above rippling sweaty deltoids is only a distraction from the main show.

Even Matt Lauer hears this loud and clear!  Schock stopped by the Today Show with global fitness science expert and three-time Nobel laureate David Zinczenko (editor in chief of Men’s Health), ostensibly to talk about the state of our nation’s problem with weight.  Lauer kept it real, though, and most of his questions sounded like this: “So, Congressman, tell us about your awesome body!”  To which the Congressman replied: “Well Matt, my body is hella awesome.”  Three quarters of the interview was not on camera, as there were far too many hot pics of Schock’s awesome body that needed to be shown instead.  The only actual fact mentioned in the entire interview was by the erudite and very scientific erectile dysfunction medication ad salesman magazine executive Zinczenko, who mentioned something or other about health care and preventable disease.

So, in case you were concerned that you’d have to take right-wing ass-hat Aaron Schock seriously in any way, don’t worry.  You don’t.  He doesn’t want you to.  Instead, he wants you to jerk off while thinking about running your tongue down the warm, salty, masculine curves of his gorgeous, awesome body.

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