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17 May 2011, 4:00 pm 3 Comments

Sex: Going Bare

This post was submitted by Michael

I’ve recently decided to do it bare.  I know it’s dangerous, very risky, but I just can’t resist the temptation any longer.  Bare and unprotected, it’s so much sexier.  It slides in and out so much smoother.  It simply feels the way it’s supposed to feel.  I’m going bare and I’m never turning back.

You might find it shocking that I’m being so open and honest about such a personal and controversial opinion in a public forum.  But I’m not taking about sex.  I’m talking about my iPhone.

Image from Oh Yeah. Totally.

I recent snapped a picture with my iPhone 4, and the subject appeared as if she had a halo around her.  Pulling off the phone condom and inspecting the camera, I found that the protective case I had been using allowed dust to collect on the back of the phone, leaving a cute polka-dotted pattern of motes across the phone’s beautiful glossy black posterior, with one bigger oval on top of the camera lens and flash.  I quickly wiped down my unsheathed beauty and felt it in my hand.  So elegant, I thought.  I snapped a quick photo and found it crisp and vivid.   I slipped the phone into my pocket and it gently slid in with ease.  That’s it, I’m done with this stupid case, I told myself.  I’m going bare.

Now, I know this is dangerous.  An unprotected iPhone could more easily be broken or scratched, and they are super expensive to replace.  But I won’t be swayed.

You’d think that I could apply this same logic to sex:  that the pleasures of going bare could outweigh the potential risks.  So in the context of comparing my unsafe iPhoning with my requirement for safer sex, here are a variety of reasons I don’t find this behavior contradictory:

  • An iPhone is replaceable.  First and foremost, unlike a healthy immune system, an iPhone is completely replaceable.  Back up your music on your computer, sync your settings on a regular basis, and you’ll find that a brand new iPhone is just like your old one.  There is no analogue for your body.
  • I know where my iPhone has been.  Unlike any potential sexual partner, my iPhone comes to me brand spanking new and untouched.  It’s not cheating on me with other guys, and I know that there are no nasties living in my pocket waiting to take over my phone one day when I slip it in.
  • It’s my responsibility.  The health and well-being of my iPhone is totally in my control, and it only impacts me.  I know that if I treat my phone with care and respect, it will thrive and provide me with approximately two years of amazing service.  In this day and age, that’s more than you can reasonably expect from a sexual partner.  I’m also the only one who can be potentially impacted by this decision.  Unlike sex, where I could put not only myself but my boyfriend and other sexual partners at risk, here it’s just me and my bank account.

I guess you could say that my phone and I are in a committed, long-term relationship and can safely take our shared experience to the next level.  And it’s divine.  I would recommend that everyone pursue such responsible and satisfying relationships with their technology as well as their partners.  Only then can you truly enjoy one another in the most safe and pleasurable ways.


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3 Comments »

  • audiored said:

    I consider those phone condoms the plastic couch covers of the 21st century.

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