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12 April 2011, 4:00 pm 7 Comments

Zack's Ramblings: Why I Won’t Fuck A Girl Again

This post was submitted by Zack Rosen

Last week I was lucky enough to see LCD Soundsystem’s final show. (More about that on Thursday.) Afterwards, drinking with friends, I mentioned that I met two straight girls who were nice enough to both let me stand with them for a while, for they had better seats than I, and who also spent an hour hitting on me before ascertaining that I “liked boys.” They were cute about the whole thing and it made for a nice memory. While recounting that memory, though, an equally cute straight guy asked why I didn’t take said 19 year-old breeder up on her offer.

I don’t remember if he was talking about me fucking her or just getting a bj, but the general presumption was that a gay guy could suck it up, close his eyes, and just enjoy the thrill of someplace warm to put the proverbial it. My reply to that — which wasn’t even sarcastic — was to ask if he’d let me blow him. I’ve never had much luck with on-the-fence straight guys and I thought it was too good to pass up. I told him that by his logic he could let a dude blow him. He said no, as I more or less expected.

The easy answer to why I wouldn’t do anything with a girl, no matter how cute or sweet, is because I’m gay. Lesbians don’t turn because they’re bored of dick, straight guys aren’t just waiting for the right male bottom and I know – from personal experience – that if you’re 100% gay the Queen of Sheba’s pussy itself couldn’t turn you.

I spent high school and my first year of college subscribing to the “you have to get it somewhere” school of human sexuality. That is, I wasn’t out and was too old for daily wet dreams so I pursued and “had relations” with ladies. I had fun, and it helped me learn what a blowjob was like before my penis grew back into itself from disuse, but it wasn’t what I would’ve chosen in an ideal world. I spent my summer after  high school graduation doing everything-but with my first boyfriend but then my first year of college got confusing.

I was one of about ten gay men at an extremely small, stiflingly rural Ohio college and had to balance what I was against what I wanted. I was hiding under the banner of “bi now, gay later” (as my first gay friend put it) I slept with guys here and there, when I could find them, and messed around with girls when the urge and/or the need to keep my friends confused about my sexuality struck.

It worked as a temporary solution in that my testicles didn’t explode in the middle of an IPHS class and I got to stay as under-the-radar as any skinny, un-stubbled, pink-shirt-wearing, gay-friend-having, Belle-and-Sebastian-listening, 19 year-old protofag could. Though I found out later that the small-world nature of my campus  had my roommate knowing I was a homo before he even met me, but he was a good sport about seeming surprised when I let the non-cat out of the non-bag.

I used to take a lot of pride in not being a gold-star gay. 19 year-old me was even more aggressively, obnoxiously anti-gay-culture than I was now. The creeping rot of the closet had me rejecting everything that I thought “gay guys did.” I complained that 4 or 5 of the gay seniors always had dinner together in the dining hall. (Don’t they have other friends?), were active in queer issues (What are they, like, only gay?) and went to GLBT campus support meetings (No thanks, I have frat parties to attend.) So my ultimate public act of rebellion,  oddly enough, was acting straight.

It wasn’t like girls did nothing for me. I had some crushes, some lust objects, some angry, ranting nights when a date went poorly. But I knew what I really was after and which of my actions would be left in the dust with my baseball caps and girl-on-girl porn. As a guy who hates unfinshed business, can’t stand doing anything haflway, I made myself a promise: I would hold onto my bi identity until I could go all the way with a girl. I figured (unlike an actual bisexual person) that I could just get lady-sex out of the way once before moving on to the thing I actually, exclusively liked.

And wow was it not fun for either party. I woke up on the morning of March 23rd, 2003, and proclaimed to my friends “I’m tired of being a virgin. Tonight’s the night.” In the resulting severe case of “careful what you wish for” (and I’ll spare you all the gory details) I had clumsy, obtrusive, lucky-I-knew-where-to-put-it sex with a gorgeous, smart friend of mine who really deserved a better way to end her Saturday night. Though much about the event was unfortunate  (on my part, to her chagrin) the only thing you really need to know is that I ended up sleeping in the condom and then slinking into a woman’s bathroom the next day to throw it out.

I’ve since made peace with the woman in question, which is lucky because there aren’t enough apologies in the world for an unsuspecting straight girl who fell into the path of a curious gay man’s heterosexual explorations. That was the last time any part of me touched any part of a girl that wouldn’t already have been exposed at a museum gala or business lunch. I didn’t feel like explaining that to the guy from after the LCD show, but I figured why not tell three thousand strangers online?

Sexuality is never as easy as choosing between two different flavors. The queer lady community is usually given more freedom to sleep with men than gay guys have to occasionally experiment with women. But I know I’m not the only one out there who dabbled. Anyone in TNG-ville have such an experience that ended better for either you or the girl? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

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  • Alex said:

    Equating sexual orientation with genitalia is cissexist. Btw.

  • Rainicorn said:

    “The queer lady community is usually given more freedom to sleep with men than gay guys have to occasionally experiment with women.”

    –Which has always seemed really weird to me. Even when I was stuck in my own bi-now-gay-later phase, I knew it’d be a cold day in hell before I would ever let boyparts near me.

  • mim said:

    Seconding the cissexist statement. Furthermore, I think this is a good illustration of the problem of sexual identity – noone actually have any good criteria. I mean, can you claim that you’re gay while having crushes on the opposite sex, with most of the political rathorics revolving around a gay person’s inability to sleep with and marry the opposite sex? Personally, I’m getting more confident in my Bi identity because of this, even though I abhor the male to female relationships in our society to the point where I’d probably never sleep with or date a man in my life if I could, to save myself from becomming the “ball and chain” and getting the domestic worked dumped on me.

    But the attraction is still there, the crushes are still there, and it would feel unfair for me to claim a place among the homosexuals, thus undermining the point that they’ve been making about choice for decades.

  • Emily said:

    10, c’mon. It wasn’t quite that dire. At least 20.

  • queer dude said:

    So if I’m a gay male and I am only into bio-males, that make me cis-sexist? If a hot throbbing cock is part of the package I desire, is that wrong? In the same way some people are “just not attracted to” black guys (as the debate continues to rage over here: http://thenewgay.net/2010/08/why-am-i-not-attracted-to-black-men.html#comment-43057) why should it be anything-ist to want a biological version of my desire.

    And actually, the author didn’t equate genitalia with orientation, and he actually reinforces your point. He didn’t say gays like dick. He said lesbians don’t not like dick. That leaves leaves plenty of room in this argument for a woman “going gay” and dating a transwoman who has a penis.

    He says “pussy itself couldn’t turn you on” but that pussy attached to a hot man, well, that might give some gays a run for their money. (Emphasis mine.)

  • Jon said:

    hmm… I guess I’m a gold star gay. Never heard that term. Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to sleep with a woman, but it’s sort of like wondering what Tibetan food tastes like… enticing but not enough to worry about the fact that I’ve never had it.

    Some of us just don’t have many sexual partners. Where’s our op-ed?

  • Alex said:

    @queer dude
    I did not say anyone was required to be attracted to trans people, I said equating sexual orientation to genitals is cissexist. “I don’t like pussy” is distinctly different than “gay guys don’t like pussy” (sorry, appealing to the relative attractiveness of disembodied genitals does not get you off the hook, even if I didn’t know 100% gay dudes who like pussy) – just like “I’m not into black guys” is distinctly different than “gay guys aren’t into black guys”.