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19 April 2011, 4:00 pm 6 Comments

Zack's Ramblings: Silicone Lube Makes Me Want To Vomit

This post was submitted by Zack Rosen

Here on TNG I complain. A lot. I complain with the frequency and intensity of a colicky infant watching an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia during a Columbia Heights 4th of July. So I try to scale back. Be positive. Write about things I like. Music, TV, Frank Kameny. But I can’t always do it. Some things in this world are abominations, brown smears down the fresh white sheets of gay life, and I can’t keep my mouth shut about them.

Silicone-based lube is one of those things.

Remember last year’s BP Deepwater Horizon oil disaster and how terrible our country’s gorgeous coast lines looked when covered in a viscous black slime? Well, that’s how my balls feel for about three weeks after one brush with a bottle of Gun Oil. I like the emotional aspect of sex, the sense that two (or six) people come out of an encounter slightly changed. However, the feeling of sex should linger in your brain or heart, not on the top three inches of your pubes. When even the waistband of your underwear starts to slide around untethered it is clear that you’ve let a substance touch your skin that shouldn’t be there.

Lube is one of those things that is deeply personal, like how they eat corn on the cob. So it makes sense that a substance that might make me violently ill seconds after ejaculation could be another man’s treasure. Why they prefer a lube that allows them to be fucked not just once, but theoretically by several other men in the next four days without reapplication, is beyond me. But I’m trying to keep an open mind.

So I put up a query on Facebook and got some decent answers as to why people might favor the stuff:

” I actually prefer it. It doesn’t seem to gum up like water-based stuff does.”

“Better lubrication, for sure. For fun with a partner or alone. I prefer the feel (of it) to the sticky, time-limited feel of water based lube.”

However, the holder of the second opinion also offered this:

It never goes away. Silicone lube now covers my bed, desk chairs, door knobs, light-switches, and chandeliers. Can come in handy if a kid gets his head stuck in the banister on the stairs, a la every sitcom we’ve ever seen.

And that is the heart of the double-edged lube bottle. Sure, regular lube might require a couple reapplications throughout the course of the sex, but at least you won’t break your neck on it while getting up to pee at 5 am. One friend of mine has clear memories of an old apartment that had become almost uninhabitable due to one errant jerk-off session with a silicon lube sample.

Apparently, it went something like this: Lube is poured on penis, lube spills on bathtub floor. Lube sticks to bottom of feet, is tracked to the sink where it will not wash off hands. Lube is then tracked pedally on the remainder of the bathroom floor, then throughout the apartment, leaving slimy penumbras on all intervening door knobs. Resident of apartment moves out. Apartment is then rented off at a “haunted house rate,” i.e. has its market value driven down by a slick, tactile form of ghost.

I know that silicone lube (or Slube) serves a purpose. That moment when “ooh, ooh” turns into “OW! OW!” is about as mood-killing as a breach birth. Taking the extra second to re-up on the slippery stuff can mean the difference between the best sex you’ve ever had and “just jerk off on me so I can go to bed.” However, so can adjusting one knee for balance and suddenly finding yourself 8 inches in the air, then crashing down onto a hardwood floor. Slube turns bedrooms into slip-n-slides, solid sheets into tie-dye, and inner thighs into bacterial breeding grounds on par with a Steamworks‘ hot tub.

But hey, why take my word on it? Here are some other musings I collected from Facebook to prove I’m not the only one who thinks silicone should be relegated to Nancy Pelosi’s lips where it belongs:

Silicone degrades silicone so it’s not really any good for FTM guys. Just saying

I don’t allow it in my house because it will ruin leather.

It stains sheets. I hate it – unless I’m at someone else’s house/car/alley.

Can you think of any other issue that can single-handedly bring together disparate strands of the trans, leather and sheet-buying community? I sure can’t. I’m actually going to go ahead and make up a statistic here that I hope will scare the living shit out of you:

68% of gay household injuries come as a direct result of silicone-based lube. So there you have it. It’s great for sliding into a buddy, but less fun when you’re sliding headfirst into a bookcase because of that one time you tried to have sex in your living room. Thanks, Slube. I’ll just be sticking to Liquid Silk at my own house.

At another’s place, though? I guess when you’re in slippery Rome, you do as slippery Romans do. Just have a can of turpentine ready when you get home or forever feel the consequences.

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  • Edward said:

    I thought maybe I was the only gay man that took issue with silicone lube staining everything, turning floors into a skating rink, and requiring major scrubbing to take it off any bit of skin it touches.

    The first time I used silicon lube happened to coincide with the first time I messed around with a couple, and I just can’t get over how awesome it works. Too bad of all its downsides though, now the only time I break my bottle out is when I’m staying in a hotel!

  • Joseph said:

    Check it… I make my own lube with flaxseeds. I call it Flube. It’s made by boiling flaxseeds in water, then straining the liquid through cheese cloth so that I can dispose of the seeds. You’re left with a mucilaginous liquid that kind of looks like snot but feels great! Then I add a little cinnamon essential oil (if my bits are in need of some warming) and rose water, and tada! A water-based lube that lasts, AND is edible…

    I’ve never tried it with condoms, so I wouldn’t recommend it… While it is water-based (meaning you can re-constitute it with spit, basically) there are oils in the flaxseeds that may rot a condom. If you want to try it out, blow up a condom like a balloon, slather some Flube on it, and wait to see whether or not the condom pops.

    By the way, I’m a good friend of Angie Young, and she turned me on to your writing a few months ago. Sad to see you’ve left TNG. Your writings were definitely among my favorite! I wish you luck!

  • john said:

    I use a silicone lube Sasmar Original from Amazon which has a pump action dispenser, so only a small amount is dispensed as this is all thats needed for its intended purpose. ie smooth sex. I find water based lubes are a tacky sticky mess!

  • Tom said:

    I prefer silicon. Because the bottle lasts so much longer it’s actually a lot cheaper than water-based lube, and I’ve never had an issue with spilling it – having first starting using it nearly 2 years ago.

    Sometimes after a session there are patches of it left on my sheets, these are basically the same as patches of water, except it takes a lot longer to evaporate, maybe 2 or 3 days. Admittedly this is a bit icky but I think it’s worth it. It doesn’t leave lasting stains, it just needs to be left a while.

    As for washing it off, I use this face scrub stuff on my cock and arse and it comes off fine. It helps if you turn up the shower pretty hot as well.

  • Josh said:

    Three Words… Lemon Simple Green.. It’s eco-friendly, and after The guy(s) leave my place for places unknown, I take one, yes ONE, paper towel, dampen it with a couple squirts of the Lemon Simple Green (I’m sure the regular green Simple Green would work too, but it’s color and odor and color are just too much for me)then walk through my place and hit every door knob, light switch, fridge door handle, plumbing fixture, remote control, computer mouse, nightstand, and headboard with that paper towel to rid myself of the lovely substance that at bare minimum, at least kept me and others from stating “God this Lube Sucks” multiple times over the course of the night/morning. I follow the wet paper towel with a dry one to actually remove all traces. If you’re cleaning glass, as gross as it sounds, spit takes lube right off. Silicone lube, in my experience, totally degrades with the application of spit. Try it next time you’re using it. When it starts feeling less viscous, just add some sprit and see how quickly you go from moaning F–k Me! to yelling F–K YOU! As for Fabrics, I’ve used a special Wet Platinum Silicone Lube Remover applied to the spots on the sheets, towels, cum rags, etc, before tossing them into wash and the dark greasy spots are gone when I pull them from the dryer.

    The Flax Seeds lube sounds mightly interesting. I’m going to try that next since I find myself spending a small fortune on lube over the course of a month. Thanks for the tip and I hope mine helps anyone else who is tired of standing on the edges of the inside of your tub or shower for fear of breaking your neck if you hit that lube patch that has taken over the rest of your tub/shower (or bathroom, living room, bedroom, kitchen) floor.

    Cheers Queers =P

    ~Josh (A Gay) in L.A.

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