Rants: How To Attend a Gay House Party
Our long-lost contributor Robert wrote a brilliant post a few years ago about gay house parties. While many were upset at his vilification of flip flops on gay men (among other things) the accuracy with which he described the experience was uncanny. I’m going to offer up a few additional tips for attending gay house parties, since I just hosted one and I’m feeling inspired.
Step 1: Arrive in groups of 10, preferably already drunk
Parties are really nothing special, just a few people hanging out and socializing. Not the stuff that our culture is based on, really. Therefore, it’s not really important to be the least presentable when you arrive. Gone are the days of pulling a freshly pressed shirt from the closet and dressing to impress. Well, not totally gone. You just work only to impress your friends at a pre-party, or even over dinner. Those are the people you care about, really, so don’t bother being lucid or tucked in when you arrive at the main event. Of course, since it’s a Saturday you’ll likely have been spending the entire day with your friends drinking, so why split up now? Just all tumble in all at the same time reeking of vodka.
Step 2: Don’t bring anything
Since you’ve been drinking all day, purchasing more alcohol or other beverages to bring to the party is likely the last thing on your mind. That’s okay. Hosts at house parties are solely responsible for providing beverages and snacks. They really enjoy spending a few hundred dollars on total strangers who will treat their homes like play pens. Really, it’s cool.
Step 3: Ignore the women
Despite a party being hosted by gay men, you’ll likely meet some women there. Unlike gay bars, which are generally completely uninviting to all but the loneliest of ladies, house parties are a good place for people of different genders to meet and mingle since they’re not in a space dedicated to the sole purpose of getting men laid. Fear not, young man: you can feel free to ignore these odd creatures. I mean really, why would you want to talk to anyone whom you don’t want to sleep with? What’s the point? Ignore the fact that they might actually be queer ladies who are members of the larger community, one that is struggling for rights and suffering from any semblance of unity. LGBT rights might be your day job, but honey it’s Saturday and you’re drunk. Take the night off.
Step 4: Criticize your friends’ drink choices in a loud and shrill voice
House parties, like bars, often offer a wide variety of beverages. However, like you do at a bar, you should continue to drink the same beverage you always do. Vodka. Vodka is the most homosexual of alcohols, and no matter where you find yourself, really, stick to it. If one of your friends happens to be drinking something else, it’s your duty to call him out on it. Don’t hold back, as we gays have an important homosexual agenda to pursue and it all starts unraveling if you’re drinking the wrong beverage. It doesn’t matter whether this scofflaw is standing right next to you or across the room: make your objection known. If you are at a loss for the correct objection, try something like, “Jack, why are you drinking (insert non-vodka drink here)? It’s so un-homosexual of you!” And regardless of how close or far away your friend is, please yell this objection, and add some lisps at the right places.
Step 5: Be the DJ
When you go out to a gay bar, you can be guaranteed to hear the same amazing music all the time. It’s what makes a gay bar a gay bar, right? So when you find yourself at a gay house party and they are playing music unfamiliar to you, you have every right to be offended. How dare a gay man play music outside of the traditional gay canon for a gay audience? Doesn’t he know that if you can’t mindlessly bop your head to it, then it’s rubbish? How rude of the host to assume you’d be interested in being exposed to new things. The only solution in these situations is to get up and take the iPod in hand and start mucking around. If they’re playing music off a computer, pull up any audio streaming site and start making a playlist. Or start queueing up the latest tracks you saw at a video bar recently on YouTube and make a multi-sensory experience. To ignore this massive slight would be the equivalent of stepping back in the closet.
Step 6: Turn the bathroom into a playground
Perhaps the most fun room at a house party is the bathroom. Not only can you drunkenly stare at a future trick’s junk while “saving time” sharing the toilet, but there are so many fun things to play with. Add that to the fact that you’re behind closed doors, and really, there’s nothing stopping you from going at it. First, check out the medicine cabinet and help yourself to anything even slightly recreational, including Adderall, Klonopin and Xanax. Make sure you brush up on the names of the generic versions of all these so you can quickly evaluate if there is anything buzz-worthy. Once you’ve popped a few pills, go ahead and look around for anything that could be a potential embarrassment to the host. Find something really good, like an enema bottle or body lice shampoo, and fuck with it. Place it on display on the back of the toilet or on a shelf. If you can find a few embarrassing items, go ahead and arrange them into a sort of statue or try to make these items simulate butt sex. You’re drunk and creative, right, you can figure it out. Finally, you should really leave your mark and spill something. Spill your own beverage, the sticky-sweeter the better, or perhaps some shampoo. Oh, and make sure you drop all the hand towels on the floor.
Step 7: Don’t bother introducing yourself to the hosts
People silly enough to host house parties are really saps, aren’t they? They throw open their doors to their friends and those friends’s friends and get them all silly in liquid intoxicants. They should expect their furniture to be destroyed, their personal items rifled through, their their music critiqued and their faith in humanity generally disrupted. Why would you want to meet and chat with someone who would let people take advantage of them like that anyway? Stick with your friends. In general, it’s best to not even bother finding out who the hosts are, so you don’t feel the temptation to hide from them or pretend to need a refill as you spot them approaching.
Step 8: Leave without saying thank you or goodbye
Once you’ve gotten drunk enough, decided it was time to hit the late-night club or found a hottie to hook up with, just head for the door. Since you haven’t met the host, there’s no one for you to thank. You’ll see your friends the next afternoon at brunch anyway, so it’s really best to get the heck outta there before someone notices it was you that showed up empty handed, ignored the strangers, criticized your friends, played with the music and fucked up the bathroom. Just go. It’s the nicest thing you could do for the host and his friends.
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