Zack's Ramblings: The New Gay Trends of 2011
Last year, after incorrectly theorizing that plaid had reached its apex in the indie-fag community, I attempted to chart the upcoming trends of 2010. Skinny jeans haven’t gone anywhere and the Deep V continues its reign of terror on this nation’s chests and eye sockets. Yet, I haven’t given up my dream of a better tomorrow. In that spirit, here is my forecast of 2011 trends. Some things we loved will be “out” and some trends you hoped to never see, not even with someone else’s eyes, might be “in.” Some are just my attempts at padding this article so it’s long enough. Whether or not they come to pass, I know that Ghandi will smile upon my efforts to be the change I wish to see at The Black Cat.
Honestly, what self-respecting alt kid doesnt’ have a beard? Maybe razor purchases were a victim of the flagging economy or Abraham Lincoln is ascending to Bowie-like levels of iconhood, but a naked face is as common in the clubs these days as Michele Bachmann at a NAMBLA rally. They just aren’t there. How long can this last? I dread the day when beards go out of vogue, since I look like a pockmarked 12 year-old without one (and my stubborn Jewish stubble takes 45 minutes to fully eradicate) but I suspect their days are numbered.
So what will rise in their place? My theory is merkins. Pubic wigs. Pubes are already a viable fashion accessory for those not blessed with happy trails and mass-marketed merkins would be a logical extension of that. My guess is that Universal Gear will have its own merkin display by April. By May the hipsters will already shun the overly-manicured Diesel line for the more shaggy, individualistic American Apparel options.
OUT: Lady Gaga
IN: Schizophrenic panhandlers
My favorite avant-garde musician dresses unpredictably and has outspoken views on sexuality. She is a rail-thin poster of androgyny, given to contorting her limbs into impossible shapes with no warning. She likes red wine and gambling metaphors. Yet you won’t see her at the VMAs or on the cover of Vanity Fair. Instead she is quite accessibly stationed at the L’Enfant Metro stop with an open guitar case and a gaggle of grotesquely-intrigued pedestrians who know the statistical correlations between homelessness and mental illness yet can’t look away. She means more to me as a queer person than Lady Gaga ever will.
OUT: It Gets Better
IN: I know a gay person, give me money
I unquestionably support the “It Gets Better” project but doubt the motives of many who participate. Barack Obama can’t see the case against hateful pastors at his inauguration ceremony, but he drops everything when a force like Dan Savage points out that people are dying and maybe he should do something? I’m a big fan of truth in advertising (a Crunch Wrap Supreme should be called the “Taco Bell Diarrhea Shell“) and I would love to see an opportunistic politician or pop singer call a spade a spade.
I can see it now: Katy Perry sits in front of a fireplace with a docile exotic bird nestling quietly in the upper folds of her skirt. She faces the camera and a single tear rolls down her cheek, smearing the top-most layer of her makeup. She says “When I was growing up a knew a gay person. Well, I didn’t know him but my girlfriends used to throw used tampons at him in the cafeteria.It made me laugh and laugh. His life was not easy. But it could be. Hope. Life. Perseverance. Sunset kitten dandelions chicken soup lesbian. Please buy my album.”
30 years later she’ll still get awards from the HRC.
Betty White is everywhere. She’s proven herself as a strong woman in a male-dominated industry since 40 years before Adam Lambert soiled his first diaper with glitter and strained okra. The idea of her octogenarian sexuality fueled literally every sketch she did on SNL. What does she have to lose? Chely Wright took a stand for queer equality last year and Betty White will add a dose of sexual freedom to the canon.
Barbara Walters will ask her, “Betty, ith there thomething the folkth at home thould know about you that they don’t?” and Betty will say, in her sweet Rose Nylund voice, “Yes Barbara. I absolutely adore urine.” She’ll then go on for forty minutes about the taste and smell of it, and how she once took a golden shower on Milton Berle. Just like that, the world will become slightly easier for those on the outside.
IN: Monastic vows of silence
Fox’s new hit show will be called Monk…But Not the Tony Shalhoub One! Set in a secluded keep in upper Mongolia, it will document the lives of a racially diverse group of ascetic believers united by a slightly older, though no-less attractive, ascetic believer who makes them appreciate themselves and the power of music. The catch? No one can talk.The “Madonna” episode will reach its exciting conclusion when the girl with multi-colored hair holds up a chalkboard reading “like a virgin” without changing her facial expression and the legless indigent, rescued from the impoverished gutters, then holds up a sign with the word “hey” scrawled on parchment with ripe berries. It will be cancelled ten minutes into its pilot.
OUT: The Tea Party
IN: FUCKING ANARCHY, BRAH!
What’s the next logical step from a bigotry-spawned, small-government-promoting, glorified-militia of a political party? FIRE IN THE STREETS! ZOO ANIMALS STALKING THROUGH ABANDONED DEPARTMENT STORES! ENRON EXECUTIVES BURNING MONEY UNDER A BRIDGE TO STAY WARM! The riots began when Christine O’Donnell became president and outlawed masturbation. They never ended. All gay people are sent to an island off the coast of Novia Scotia where gay men begrudgingly fuck lesbians to avoid dying out. American infrastructure crumbles away to nothing and those who can still read brush up on their Chinese.
OUT: Marriage Equality
IN: Trans-inclusive ENDA
While the end of DADT struck an major blow for queer equality, I predict that the year 2011 will see Marriage Rights lose their stronghold on queer activism. While I support those rights, I know that there are many other fights; fights that aren’t won on the backs of others. Since the Trans-Inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act will have the biggest tangible gains in the lives of our most disenfranchised, I know that the community will unite as one to guarantee its success…
Aw fuck. A guy can dream, right? Maybe in 2011 I’ll also get a pony.
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