Avoiding New Year’s Eve Humiliation
Now I wouldn’t possibly expect for any advice that I can dole out to be heeded about the perils of New Year’s Eve embarrassment, but I can certainly tell you the tell-tale signs of when you are headed to burning the image of your stupidity on the brains of both loved ones, strangers and enemies.
I have had the amusing displeasure of working in bars and clubs for five New Year’s Eves. This will be my second blessed bar-free holiday. I have been sober on those occasions and worked on both sides of the bar on this most amateur of all amateur nights. That saying exists for good reason: New Year’s Eve is a mess, an absolute disaster. I can say with the utmost confidence that while some holidays come close to its messiness, no other day can touch it.
So as a service to you, I offer some tips on how to remain on the good side of the gutter this New Year’s Eve.
1. Have a Quiet Night
Have you ever noticed that the best New Year’s Eves are those that remain completely unplanned and unhyped? I sure have. It seems like every time someone comes up with a big, grand, expensive plan, it can never live up to the expectation. In fact, it often seems as though adults are trying to recreate their prom night- and remember how you didn’t get lucky on prom night?
2. If You Must Party, Make it a House Party
I understand, if you’re single, nothing sounds more unappealing than a New Year’s Eve at home. You want to go out and suck face with an attractive stranger to justify your lonely existence. I have done this many times, do not be ashamed. But for the love of God, please do not pay some exorbitant cover charge to to get into the same bar you go into for free on a normal Saturday night. $40 does not justify an ugly hat, noisemaker and cheap glass of champagne. And those $100-plus hotel parties with some has-been pop-artist? Give me a break.
If you must get yourself to a bar, I recommend going right after midnight when many drop their cover charges that they charge before the countdown. Check with your favorite bar to see their policy.
3. Pace Yourself, PLEASE
Believe me, everyone will remember that you were the first one to throw-up. And do you really want to pass out before the clock hits midnight? I have seen people do the most shocking and ridiculous things, including once seeing a man urinate on a wall inside a home that he legitimately thought was a urinal. But it was a wall. With terrified straight girls nearby paralyzed in horror. Don’t let this be you.
4. If You Must Vomit, Know the Signs
Yes, you know who you are. You tell yourself, “Oh no, if I keep telling myself I’m okay and just steady myself, the room will stop spinning and I’ll stop having this feeling in the pit of my stomach.” You are wrong. At the first hint of that vomit feeling, get outside, get to a trashcan, or get to a bathroom. Particularly if you are in a bar the last thing you need is to be caught being recorded yacking up all those holiday cookies and becoming next year’s most watched YouTube video.
Also do you really want to have to be the guy escorted out of the bar on a crowded New Year’s Eve? Do you know how bad it has to be on this night to come to this?
5. Start 2011 on a Classy, Not Trashy, Note
Have you ever heard how the studies that show if, on a test day, a student dresses up, looks good, and feels confident, even with a lack of planning or studying, that the test outcome will go well? Let’s test this little anecdote for 2011 and see how it goes. Maybe by looking good, feeling great and keeping it classy as you ring in the New Year will set the right tone for all of 2011. Why not at least try it out? Save your messiness for 12:01 AM and beyond, and welcome 2011 with a stable smile.
Happy New Year!
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