The Adventures of the Boi Wonder: My Rejection, Your Loss
By Øyvind Johnsen, taken from Wikimedia Commons
“Go ahead and say it, call me a fuckin’ wimp
Just cuz I’ve got a different kind of life that I wanna live
You can criticize my ideals and my priorities
But ultimately I don’t give a flying fuck what you think of me”
–“I Quit” by the Descendents
A friend asked me to write about this topic, which just goes to prove that I will actually discuss something in particular if you ask or suggest it!
It is no real secret that I have a profile on a popular dating site. It is also happens that I am open about being trans on that profile. Granted, this openness probably causes most people (I find this especially true of gay guys, and I don’t even try with straight girls) to automatically dismiss me as a guy they would not even want to just talk to, regardless of similar interests. So I guess that I pay quite a bit for my upfront honesty. Though if I didn’t mention my transition status, people would think that I’m underage due to my appearance. Trust me, it has happened.
It could probably be safely said that most, if not all, trans people (whether gay, lesbian, straight, et. al.) are very much aware of the knowledge that we can be subject to frequent rejection as a romantic/sexual partner just because of that one aspect of ourselves.
“Would that cute girl down by the end of the bar still be smiling and winking at me when I come out to her?”
“I totally wrote a message to this cute guy who also likes contemplating sexual politics, Russian literature, and pet lizards…But then he looked at my profile and wrote that he ‘would never date a tranny’”.
These are just tame insults when you think about the fact that there is the very real danger of being harassed, beaten, or even killed because of being transgender.
And there are those who, when they approach us with some sort of dating/sexual interest, they treat us only as a fetish, an experiment, or some dirty little secret to be ashamed of. There are also those who are just so damn ignorant and disrespectful that it isn’t worth it (Note: asking crude questions about a trans person’s genitalia and/or medical history firmly puts you in this category, as does refusing to respect identity and pronouns; also, how many times must it be told to the gay and lesbian communities that liking or sleeping with a trans person of the same gender doesn’t make you straight?!). The dating world at large comes off as very unwelcoming of trans people, and makes me want to give up entirely…Almost.
Looking at my inbox, I have noticed that the majority of the people who have either replied back or messaged me first (either out of romantic or friendship interest) have been other trans people. Mainly these have been from other queer/gay trans men, but in the past few months I have also been a part of some lovely flirtatious banter with a few gorgeous trans women who happen to like neurotic, nerdy writers.
Some people might insist that this is merely “settling”, but I wholly disagree; some trans people date other trans people out of a mutual understanding and unconditional respect of their bodies and identity, which is a reward to find in any person. It is great not to have to go through Trans 101, and have someone who is more likely to truly understand dysphoria and transition frustrations, in addition to maybe having the same interests and being attractive (because trans people, just like cisgender people, are capable of having every possibly of careers, levels of education, physical traits, loves, views, etc…Because we really are regular people). Not to say that there are not trans people who are total assholes (*cough*conservative Republican Donna Milo*cough*) or that two individuals who happen to be trans will even like or get along with each other, it isn’t like any other group who shares one uncontrollable thing (like race or sexual orientation) in common automatically get along with each other. I can honestly say that I do not instantly like everyone who shares things like that with me…But I am well-known to be rather misanthropic.
If we usually tend not to be appreciated by other people, why not go looking inward more often? You snooze, you loose…And it is real easy to get awfully tired of waiting for basic acceptance and respect while looking for someone watch old movies and hold hands with.
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Ugh! I always hate the moment when someone is really into me and then rejects me outright simply because of my identity. Unfortunately I hear you, it happens all to frequently – especially when you do not have much in the way of passing privilege.
Or even when it is just between friends and someone thinks that this is the single most interesting thing about me. I also happen to love to talk about radical philosophy and politics, but people are much less likely to care about those.
Also, nothing kills the mood faster than having to give trans 101 to a potential playmate.
It would be interesting to hear about trans/genderqueer relationships as well, I think. I am technically female, but fall into that funny not-quite-cis not-quite-trans category of “well on Monday I got up up and wanted to present myself as female to the world, but on Tuesday I donned a binder and was pleased that I got called “sir” by the guy at 7-11″. I have never felt dysphoric about my genitalia – I just feel comfortable being in a place where my gender identity fluctuates. And I happen to date a trans guy.
I know straight, cis girls who have found themselves in a crisis about falling for trans guys – “I really like him, and I don’t think the physical part upsets me, but I’m so worried about asking the wrong question or saying something to offend him – I don’t know how to talk about it at all.” As someone who has a fluctuating gender identity, though, those concerns don’t seem as delicate to me. I can understand his ponderings about presenting himself, diatribes concerning decisions about T or surgery, without misunderstanding.
I guess what I’m saying is, I have heard an awful lot about trans folks dating within the trans community, but what about the genderqueer community – people who have an alternate gender identity without the need for legal/physical changes? Is it more common out there than I know of?
so are you saying you are tranny/crossdress and have dated one
so u are a tranny/crossdress who dates others trannys and crossdress,
I just wanna clearly understand, and how are u by the way
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