TV: Conan’s TBS Premier Vindicates, Titillates
tbs.com
Ok, so the monologue didn’t exactly slay me, but there is no question that Conan is back. Watching his legendary premier on TBS last night I would say that he is already looking comfortable, lean, and hungry, and he’s oozing with that insidious trademark Coco sex appeal.
When TNG first singled him out as a New Gay Sex Symbol, Conan was on an Obama-like high: Team Coco was whipping the 18-35 demographic into a frenzy, he told “The Man” where to get off (by bidding adieu to network television), Shepard Fairey-style propoganda images of the host were becoming ubiquitous, and one of the highest trending searches on Google was “skinny ginger fetish.”
Then over the summer things really started to get hectic. Conan blimps a live 24-hour episode, and endless media speculation kept the masses yearning for one thing: Inauguration.
Last night, the wait was over, and only one question throbbed in the minds of all Americans: Will Conan defend his place as an icon of gay male sexuality?
I’m happy to report that not only did Coco bring sexy back, but he put his uncomfortably large hands on our head and shoved our faces into it. How, you ask?
1) He teased: The crowd pleasing lead-in dance did not remain with network television. Not only is it back in full effect, with alluring hip spasms and nipple tweaks, but it is infused with a brand new triumphant “suck on this, NBC” flavor that makes it that much more unbearably coy.
2) He gave it up: Had there been any babies in the audience, Conan would have kissed them. A pre-emptive measure from the TBS legal team intercepted all audience members under the age of 13, thus Conan had to kiss some chick that looked like Chelsea Clinton instead. But damn did he kiss her.
3) He brought props: Irish nutcracker? Why, yes, please! And put on that mask while you’re at it.
4) He dominated: Conan exuded a calm command of the situation that would have eluded less experienced men than he. Going into a very public and long-anticipated show like this could have given anyone performance anxiety, but he kept it up the whole hour. He set a calm, strong pace, and stuck to it. I would actually compliment Andy Richter on the same thing. They’ve been working together for quite some time and their comfortable rapport really shows through.
5) He didn’t shave: One word for the O’Brien beard – GIMME. Against its rustic charm Jon Hamm looked like a stiff, powder-faced mime, and Glee-chick Lea Michele couldn’t seem to handle it either, appearing flustered and giddy.
It may remain to be seen whether, also like Obama, Conan will eventually disappoint his rabid fans by failing to turn water into wine. But Biblical let-downs aside, it’s clear that Coco has already made his mark on gay sexuality. It’s no accident that Tabatha Coffey was recently quoted as telling a salon owner, “If you don’t know how to give your clients a good beard-pompadour combo you don’t deserve to hold a fucking comb.” With GLBT-targeted gags like the “dancing taco” and “masturbating bear” Conan is only cementing this status.
So get on board now, because by next summer boys will be getting spray-paled before their trips to Rehoboth.
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