This post was submitted by Zack Rosen

I have a theory and many of you will disagree with me. Some may not even know what I’m talking about, but bear with me: Vida Metropole, an ultra high-class gym in the heart of DC’s gayborhood, is actually a cult. What looks from the outside like a perfectly normal gay workout facility, with a clean, pleasant lobby and an attached salon, is in fact a brain-washing facility for DC’s gorgeous gay elite.

It starts when you go inside. Has anyone seen the show “Dollhouse?” Where an elaborate underground facility exists beneath L.A. that turns normal people into programmable living dolls? Vida looks just like it.With DJ music and colored panel lighting borrowed directly from either the bar Mova or the circuit party lounge of a Virgin Air flight, the main gym is like a lux version of Morpheus’ cave-shaking end-of-the-world party from The Matrix Reloaded. It’s also one story underground.

Beyond that is a spa-like locker room replete with granite counters-tops, stainless steel fixtures and womb-like showers with body scrub dispensers and rain-fall spigots. If you make it out of this modern-day Lotus Eater’s island you can travel through the land of flat-screen TV’s displaying unsettling platitudes like “Would you rather be right, or happy?” to the queasily serene lap pools and tepid, co-ed, molded-white-plastic sauna straight from the Starship Enterprise.

And if that doesn’t sound like your idea athletic experience, be warned: It’s coming for you.

The owner of the Vida franchise, David Von Storch, also owns another nearby building (1612 U St.) that has housed rival gym Results since 1994. Results’ lease runs out in March and Von Storch will be taking the building back, kicking out all of its tenants and building a gym that sounds about as fun as a 40-hour Ken Burns documentary on moss. Besides presumably adding that Vida flair to what is already a great gym — no frills, great lighting and it actually feels like an athletic facility — the new Vida will feature 13,000 sq. foot pool with cabanas, fire pits and a lounge. Those things sound great for a weekend in The Keys, but I have literally never thought to myself “Know what my yoga class is missing? Sunscreen and a funnoodle!”

I should say here that people have every right to choose whichever gym they want, but I have no idea where the idea came from that the instant way to appeal to the gays is to make everything ultra-high end and indistinguishable. If I wanted all the features of Vida, I’d be going to a spa. If I wanted to throw on old Adidas shorts and sweat for an hour I’d go to a gym. And it’s sad to know that there will be one fewer of those gyms in DC come March.

While Von Storch has every right to take the building back, since it is his, I’m dismayed to see his aesthetic spreading beyond the bounds of Logan Circle. Vida, at its core, annoys me for one reason: It makes assumptions about what gay people like. His A-List appeal is contained not just within the “luxurious to the point of not being athletic” vibe of Vida, but even his own public persona. Von Storch financed a trailer for his own reality show which is cut from the same cloth as Bravo’s The A-List: New York, where a bunch of attractive men tromp around shirtless and talk about how handsome he is. (Good fucking god do I wish I could embed that video here, but it’s worth watching on youtube if you want a treat.)

David Von Storch is clearly a very talented businessman and has probably pumped more revenue into the city, and the community, than I could hope to in my whole life. But the loss of Results just means that there is one fewer space in DC for gay people to congregate without being assaulated by all the stereotypical, overbearing niceties that we are assumed to want.

Besides, when there are cabanas it is safe to assume that cabana boys will be close behind. And if that happens I’m moving to Richmond and not looking back.

---

First time here? See what we're all about... Get involved... Send us a tip!...

---