Submitted by Sylvia Renee, TNG columnist

Odds are that if you are reading this, you grew up in a virulently sex-negative culture. By sex-negative, I mean a set of beliefs including that sexuality should be never be discussed openly and honestly. It is the same thing that makes people of any sexual persuasion feel as if they should be ashamed of whatever it is that they might be doing with themselves or others. This is the culture that seeks to demonize anyone who would take control of their sexuality. Slut. Whore. Skank. Cheater. Creep. Freak. Pervert. The list could be endless but they all basically amount to one word: Deviant.

It is a true tragedy of our collective experience that something so wonderful, natural, and more importantly, human can be used as a weapon against us. Doubt me? Ask Tyler Clementi’s friends and family. Or anyone who has either done or not done something out of the fear of being seen as fat and hence undesirable, which is really just another word for “unlovable.”

In the end, each of us want to feel valued and desired. This same desire is one of the central reasons behind why I chose to adopt a poly-amorous approach to my relationships. Rather than the explicit self-denial of monogamy that is ultimately rooted in sex-negative religious prescriptions, poly-amory allows me to be honest with myself in realizing that I value, desire, and even love lots of people in lots of different ways. And, I would say more importantly, it allows me to accept that others can value, desire, and love me for who and what I am.

Invariably, there are three things that people say when I talk about being in a poly-amorous relationship:

“Do your your girlfriends know about each other?”

“I feel like most poly relationships can’t work in the long run.”

“I could never do something like that.”

In response to the only actual question: Of course they know about each other, because our relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. You know, the way that most relationships between consenting adults should be. Hell, more often than not they are off canoodling with each other while I am busy working or out being social. Since we have the space to be honest with ourselves, we can be open with each other about our needs, desires, and expectations.

As for the other statements, this usually amounts to a projection of their own insecurities rather than a stated fact. The fact of the matter is that most relationships don’t work in the long run regardless of how many people are involved.

Think about it – out of all the people who decide to explore an emotional and/or sexual connection with another person, how many are willing to make life long commitments? Of those, how many are able to follow through with it? And within that subset, how many people die happily with the knowledge that they spent their life with the one person that they have loved unconditionally? I think the 50 percent divorce rate might have something to say about that.

Besides, most people are already doing something like that in their own lives despite what they might think. Would you be willing to say that you loved your best friend? How many of you have ever cheated on someone you cared for? It is likely that you didn’t set out to hurt the person you cared for, but rather you were pursuing your own needs. And you know what? That’s OK.

With all of the reasons why I would recommend poly-amory, it does make life way more complex, messy, and interesting. As it should be.

For example, this past weekend I was supposed to be going on a real date with someone I had met a few months ago which had resulted in an accidental date. Said real date didn’t happen but I did end up slightly entangled with another woman. One of my best friends happened to be equally entangled with her. The result was that we would take turns vying for her attention. This was all happening while my primary partner was playing her own game on with yet another woman. Meanwhile, our girlfriend was discussing registering with her (nonsexual) roommate as domestic partners for health insurance.

I can sense some of you out there asking “How could her partner watch her act like that with another woman?!” It just comes down to the simple fact that she trusts me to know what I am doing and that if, for whatever reason, she wanted me to abort ‘Operation Make-out-with-hot-person’ I would respect her wish. That, and she was preoccupied.

The most common sentiment against being poly is an uncertainty if they could trust their partner/themselves in such a circumstance. However, if there is an issue of trust, then that is a pre-existing condition that will not change regardless of how many may be involved in the relationship.

Poly-amory may not be for everyone but I encourage you to give a realistic try. Who knows, maybe you might even like it?

What would it take for you to take the plunge? Or maybe you have, what worked and what did not?

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