Submission by Aaron Gray, TNG contributor

With the birth of the online documentary series 50Faggots, aimed at educating, exploring, and celebrating how individual effeminate gay men survive and thrive in today’s American communities; it has left me wondering, as a cast member and close friend to series creator and anthropologist, Randall Jenson, if our noble and somewhat misguided mission to reclaim the word “Faggot” is truly needed…or just unnecessary.

Six years ago in my Chicago apartment, with camera in hand, Randall looked intently at the small screen as I eagerly described my day.  With a double major in Anthropology and Women & Gender studies from a Catholic, liberal arts college, Randall chose me, a young blossoming fashionista at art school on my journey from modest Indiana beginnings, as the subject of a video project for the final assignment of his “Deconstructing the Diva” class.  Relaxed and vulnerable, with a home camcorder pointed towards me, I began to share:

“I take a shower, and I take about 15 minutes to look in the mirror and pick apart every piece of my face that I hate…and whenever I’m dressed to the point where I say, ‘DAMN, you really got it.  You are really fashionable,’ that’s when I know that I’m “TOO gay”.  Which is kinda funny, because that’s how I really want to dress.  And then I think to myself, ‘Well how gay do you want to be today?’”

Admittedly, it took years for me to bring myself to watch this footage (at our Chicago Premiere), and embarrassed, I gasped as I saw the younger version of myself rolling around on my bedroom floor sharing so candidly my views on race, sexuality, and gender.  (Luckily for you, a large clip is used as the opening for webisode one, now playing at www.50Faggots.com. Please be kind.) The resulting conversations that followed long after the camera stopped recording, as we continued to share our experiences being young, gay men of color, were refreshing and surprisingly healing, as only a conversation with a close friend can be.  And it dawned on us, specifically Randall, the importance of creating something visible for others like us, the constantly searching, semi-radical, lonely yet fabulous “fags” that had spent a large part of our lives just trying to survive in communities that demanded a rigid and binary definition of gender.  From that moment an idea was born, to bring these quiet conversations gay men were having with their friends to a community dialogue.

The first season, located in Chicago, Washington D.C., and New York, dedicates two years to documenting the first 10 (of 50) stories about the undeniably sassy, intelligent, and yes, very entertaining gay men that create the 50Faggots family.  We are not the “A-list” gays of our community, nor do we try to be.  This documentary series addresses the dearth of self-acceptance among gay men, young and old, with humorous anecdotes, important wisdom, and inspiring models of resilience.  Most of the cast members, including myself, have struggled with being harassed and called faggot. And I’ll be the first to admit that faggot is not a pretty word, especially in recent times when so many of our gay youth have decided take their lives due to bullying and harassment.  I have a friend that described it best when he said, “My friends are my faggots, but if anyone else calls my friends a faggot, then I’ll get upset.”

Personally, the word faggot no longer holds any power for me. This is an intentional project with an intentional name.  We are addressing who the “faggots” are of our own gay communities, because we, as gay men, are often the quickest ones to squirm away from others that appear “too gay” in our efforts to be seen as normal.  To be honest, I was called a nigger before I was ever called a faggot.  I was 8 years old, and I remember how hard it was for me wrap my head around the idea that I could be hated SIMPLY because of the color of my skin.  When I told my mother, she took my face into her hands, and calmly replied, “Don’t let WORDS ruin your day by giving them more power than they deserve.” Years later, as my faced burned after being called faggot for the first time, I smiled (to myself and for my mother).

Being apart of www.50Faggots.com has been an amazing process, because it has given me an outlet to share my ideas openly and honestly.  And I look forward to sharing a few of those ideas with you on this site.  I know that I will probably say things that some people will find offensive or don’t quite understand, but if there is a chance that at least ONE person listens to what I have to say with an open mind and relates, then my job is done. My hope for this column is the same as my hope for this series, that it can be used as a catalyst to get the conversation started within our community. For as great as we (gay men) are at so many things, when it comes to discussing real issues…we kinda suck.

Check us out, and judge for yourself at www.50faggots.com

And help spread the word.

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