This post was submitted by Zack Rosen

My last post got me in the prognosticatin’ mood, so I’ve been thinking more about the future. Specifically, the future that could be if American Apparel ceased to exist. Jezebel has been doing some excellent coverage of the company’s recent dire straights, including the chain of events that lead to Dov Charney and co. escaping bankruptcy by the skin of their lycra-clad, underage vulva.

American Apparel has been so hard to excricate from the gay universe that I really had to think hard about what the world would be like without them. But here’s what I came up with.

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If American Apparel shut down, skinny guys would have fewer places to buy well-fitting clothes. Our collective self esteems will suffer as we are forced to hide our Kate Moss bodies in Arnold Schwarzenegger clothes. Guys with beards and chunky black glasses (like me) will begin to clutter up our local psychiatry offices, where we will wrap our arms around billowing Gap sweaters and wonder through bitter tears when life got so hard.

If American Apparel shut down, Terry Richardson would quickly become unemployed. As his low-rent porn aesthetic slowly faded from glory, you will find him in line at the local soup kitchen. He will be holding his erection in one hand and a non-functioning Polaroid camera in the other, trying to get upskirt shots of homeless mothers and their children.

If American Apparel shut down, the doors to their factory/holding cell would fling open and the scrawny, dark-haired women within it would be told “You’re free now. You may go.” They would each be given 20 dollars and a bottle of sunscreen as they marched out in tandem, blinking against the harsh light of an uncertain future. Some will find work in the service industry, and others might go on to actual high-profile modeling careers. Some will be unable to adjust to life on the outside, and scratch “I was here” into the walls of their boutique hotel rooms before hanging themselves with a yellow one-piece swimsuit.

If American Apparel shut down, their clothes would quickly become hot ticket items on Ebay. Where the garments of yesteryear like Members Only and vintage Lacoste polos were once the most desired, AA stock will take their place. You will find yourselves bidding furiously against a Japanese college student for a pair of high-waisted green briefs that cost more than a new bicycle. You will walk through Williamsburg at night and be mugged for your striped tie-dye hoodie by a gang of street toughs who all look like Russell Brand.

If American Apparel shut down, Dov Charney would have no more employees to molest. He would apply for  small business loan at Suntrust bank, and wonder why no one will fund his roller rink or municipal pool. He will begin to frequent local escort services, paying top dollar for diminutive girls in librarian glasses to come to his house. He will strip to his underwear and scream “Overcharge me! Yeah, overcharge me!” while they harshly critique his hair and body.

If American Apparel shut down, there would be a void in indie-esque gay fashions. With Universal Gear still holding steady with the Chelsea/Castro/Boystown/Logan crowd, those who prefer their Goldfrapp remixed, not straight, would have to find a new place to shop en masse. This will make club life quite interesting. We could hearken back, like American Apparel did. But instead of the glittering 80s we might see a return to utilitarian military fashions. Dickies will start vamping up their advertising to show hairy guys with mustaches, pulling down the waists of their loose-fitting industrial khakis and leering at the camera. Or we could look into a future that has nothing to do with the 80s. I will start my own gay clothing company called “The Year 3000″ and see if I can singlehandedly get all American gay men to tromp around in silk-blend jumpsuits, or clothes made of nothing but hydrogen gas and purple dye.

If American Apparel shut down, people might stop wearing clothes that were downright ugly. The execrable trend of neon-everything would die down, and one fewer gay man would have to wear his sunglasses at night to a gay bar.

If American Apparel shut down, I would  have nothing left to write about.

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