This post was submitted by Topher Burns

Charlie has had it rough.  It can’t have been easy growing up under the same roof as President Josiah Bartlet and Mighty Ducks Coach Gordon Bombay.  But he has soldiered through some (many?) questionable career decisions into a miraculously (mystifyingly?) popular television vehicle.  These days, everything’s coming up Chuck Sheen, and us gays love nothing better than an underdog-makes-good success story.

Wallet heavy with “Two and a Half” loot, no compunctions against paying for fun, and a rakish smile that says “I truly, truly just do not care about you at all,” Charlie Sheen is in a prime spot to become the next gay sex symbol.

The case for our boy Charles:

1) He’s got a taste for all the trashy women you’d love to have at your next party. It’s a constant problem, right?  I’ve got this fabulous party planned, but I just don’t have enough skanks on the invite list!  Not to worry, Sheen’s got your covered.  From pornographic actresses to actual (sort of) actresses, he’s dated them all, and I’m sure will bring a coterie of them if you’ve got room for his crew on your bar tab.  And who knows, maybe Denise Richard (the sort-of actress) will show up, even if only to serve the Sheenster with a court summons.

2) He’s played himself in over a dozen major movies since the mid-90s. This demonstrates the exact kind of self obsession fierce personal confidence that is a trademark of the gay community.  I know who I am, I’m comfortable with it, now how much did you say I would get paid for a cameo on Pauly Shore Is Dead?

3) Did you see him in Hot Shots!?  Dude was hot, and cooked an egg as foreplay.  Gimme!

4) He has a deep, abiding passion for the truth. That’s why when all the other cowardly “normal” actors shied away from pointing out the clear proof that the American government is directly responsible for 9/11, Sheen stood up and spoke out.  If only the Obama administration would nut up and appoint him as head of Homeland Security, we could start getting things turned around in this country.  So “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”, amiright?

5) The man still knows how to make a hooker scream. So what if it woke his ex-wife and kids who were in the hotel room next door?  Sheen knows how to work his shit.

So not to worry, Charlie dear!  While the rest of the world may deplore meaningless things like your words or actions, we gays like the angle of your dangle, and we got your back.

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