This post was submitted by David Watkins, founder of A Day in Hand

Coming out is not something I’ve just done once in 1999. I do it every time I hold a man’s hand outside, talk about my weekend to colleagues or object to some subtle or overt bit of homophobia. Some people say that you literally take your life into your own hands when you hold hands with your partner, but I think my life is at more risk when I take the freeway to work. The worry doesn’t stop me from going to work. Love is a risky business in all its messy aspects. These days I worry more about someone hurting my heart than a fist in the face. Loving my life is about living my love.

I don’t see many gay couples in public life. The weight of coming out over and over again oftentimes prevents Lesbian, Gay, Bi & Trans (LGBT) people from holding their partner’s hand in public. Men hardly even hold hands, even in gay Meccas such as West Hollywood, London Soho, and the Castro in SF where I lived for two years. It’s almost like we’ve got a terror of touching. The straight programming is a tough nut to crack. I might see lesbian couples, but they could be sisters, cousins, friends, and we don’t mind women holding hands as much (if they look straight enough to pass). Nick, a trans-male, has had to cope with losing the ability to be affectionate with other men, since he transitioned. And for some trans women, whole new possibilities of public hand holding with men have been opened up since transitioning. Interesting that hand holding issue has more to do with gender than sexuality in the Western world. In many areas of the world, India, the Middle East, men hold hands publicly as a show of friendship. It is not emasculating for them. It has nothing to do with G-A-Y.

Seven years ago I was severely bashed, in a street in Chelsea. The experience stirred a fire within me, a feeling of defiance. I choose to turn that homophobia into something positive. A Day in Hand is the result. The campaign is a non-violent, individual centred, way to affirm yourself, and your same-sex love, publicly. It also provides a revolutionary way of changing cultural perceptions of same-sex love, a revolution that anybody, gay, straight, single, or committed, on any day, can be a part of.

For me equal rights aren’t enough, I can see that now. I live now in the UK and we’ve almost got everything we ever wanted. We’ve still battles to fight (the gay blood ban and extending civil partnerships to include religious ceremonies) but I want equal respect too. The real test of any society’s true acceptance of homosexuality is whether or not lesbians, gay men and bisexual people can be themselves out in the open, everyday, with the people they love. Do you feel comfortable holding your partner’s hand, anytime, anywhere? There is much work to be done before we are afforded this kind of equality of respect. The more out you are, the easier being ‘out’ is.

Prides give us courage and absolute power for only one day of the year. A Day In Hand wants to support you in that feeling for the other 364 days. If our Pride revolution was about strength in numbers then this is precisely why more and more same-sex hand holders need to get out on the streets today! One same-sex hand holding couple on the high street alters attitudes and perceptions in such a powerful way, and is more accessible than prides for the general public. If our argument is that ‘gay is good’, then we need to be convincing people of that every day. A straight person might say “If gay is good…then why do I never see gay people?” We know there is homophobia, but we need to address it proactively, not waiting when things go wrong, and positioning ourselves as victims. Visibility is the key. For most gay people, we have to do something to be seen. We don’t always wear our sexuality on our skin, in our bodies or on our faces. Handholding is one way we can reclaim our spaces. We exist. We’re here.

In Britain, we know the figures for homophobic hate crime are up (reported or actual, it’s hard to unpick). But ultimately, increasing our presence on the streets will reduce hate crime. Homophobia is by definition the fear of homosexuality. If we are visible every day, in all communities, then our existence will be made a part of everyday life for people, and we will cease to be the ‘unknown’. I use a term ‘usualised’ because who wants to be normalised? There’s a website in the US which donates money to LGBT friendly causes every time someone reports a God Hates Fags picket. I love that idea. Every time they hate, our love grows a little stronger. Whilst it’s important to come together as a community to support those who have been victims of hate crime, we mustn’t let the tragic stories prevent us from being open about whom we are in public. We must love openly, without restraint, even more proudly than before. As the campaign gathers pace we are finding more and more people reporting positive experiences of public same-sex handholding. We’re realising that hate crime doesn’t have to follow us around. Homophobia doesn’t have to be the flip side of being gay.

A Day In Hand is not asking people to put themselves in danger. Nor is it asking them to ignore survival instincts that say, “This isn’t the right time/place”. What we are giving LGBT people are alternatives to the idea that the only place you can hold hands is a dodgy street, 3am on the way home from the club. What about at lunchtime under the sun? Or In a crowd at the shopping center? In crowds I feel safe. But if that sounds a bit risqué, then link your pinkies, quietly, powerfully, in the queue at the supermarket’s, or the post office, or as you walk down your street. When push comes to shove….love, unashamedly, everywhere. Start to think of the public as on your side. Most people are tolerant, open-minded folk. Practically everyone objects to violence.

The revolution is a personal one, and everyone needs to do it in his or her own time. The campaign is now followed in over 20 countries. We have Sshh! (Same-sex handholding) Saturdays around the world on the last Saturday of every month and people send in pictures of same-sex hand holding with stories. Our website functions not just as a photo-journalistic record of same-sex relationships out in the open, but also as a portal to mobilise queer communities and their supporters across the world. Throughout the website you’ll find messages of hope from people who believe in the power of one (or two) individuals to change not just the world, but perhaps more significantly, their local communities. Same-sex handholding is a powerful symbol that hammers home the realities of our lives.

Responsibility for visibility is now at our door. As LGBT people, it’s our generation’s charge. If you want to live in a world where you can hold your partner’s hand walking down the street….hold your partner’s hand walking down the street.

In The New Gay, Zack Rosen puts it perfectly “You see one person walking a unicorn in the park and its headline news. Three months later you’ll see 200 people walking unicorns in the park and call it a Thursday”.

I hope that, eventually, we’ll all get used to it.

A Day In Hand’s next special monthly event Same-sex hand holding (Sshh!) Saturday is Sat. September 25th. It will be the 1st anniversary of the event.

Be a part of it and spread the word.

You can email David for more info at info@adayinhand.com

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