Well-Intended Questions: “So…You’re Straight?”
Once, while interning at a progressive organization, I was at a happy hour with a couple of other interns and staff members. A staff member seated next to me, who I had only just minutes ago straight up asked me “What are you?”
Me: Do you mean my sexual orientation?
Him: Yeah, what are you?
Me: I identify as queer
Him: So you’re gay?
Me: No.
Him: So you’re straight?
Me: No.
Him: Then what are you?
Me: I identify as queer
Him: So… if you’re not gay… and not straight [insert look of triumph] you’re bi!
Me: No. I identify as queer.
Him: So who do you sleep with? How many partners have you had?
Me: I prefer not to talk about my personal sex life with my co-workers or superiors at work.
Him: Oh…
This interaction keeps on popping up in my mind whenever I try to explain to people what exactly being queer means. To me, the simplest answer is that I have been and continue to be attracted to different people with different gender identities, sexual orientations, and physical appearances over time. I recognize that the majority of people are only attracted to folks of only one gender; seriously, part of my coming out was me assuming I was “normal” and finding out I was different than other people. Maybe more on that later.
I want to pose this question for you: what does your sexual orientation mean to you, BUT keep it twitter length (140 characters)?
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i’ve found as i got older that labels are pointless. if i do use one, i use “queer”.
Who am I’m attracted to, pursue relationships with, and sleep with. NOT the music I listen to or the clothes I wear or the things I say or the stuff I buy.
i’m a bio guy attracted to guys both cis and trans. so i guess my sexuality is “queer”. “queer” is also the word i use to describe the part of the community i relate to more than the non-queer gays. and perhaps somewhat funnily, i’ve come to realize that “gay-male” is the phrase i feel most accurately describes my gender identity. it really does seem that “male” by itself would not fully describe my social experience of gender (nor would it fully describe my biology, nor my psychology). and lastly, i’ve never felt that “sexuality” was the best description of what distinguishes me from the straights. in addition to my sexual attraction to more masculine types, i also find i’m emotionally drawn to men, even when there’s no sexual interest whatsoever. i don’t know what a better label might be. homo-affective? (sorry i exceeded the twitter limit)
forgot to subscribe to replies. don’t know how to do that without posting another comment.
Gay…but if im in the Margaret Cho kind of mood i say “gaaaAAaaay!”
Or, whats it matter?
Who would ask such a question in the first place?
I identify as queer but, for political reasons. “Gay” has far too many connotations of where you frequent, what you listen to, how you dress, etc. (at least around here). Having said that, when I tell other homosexuals this, I usually get accused of “internalized homophobia.”
queer. I may be sleeping with a man now, but I only had attraction to women for over a decade of my adult sexual life. By calling myself straight, I negate all that past history. I am not bi, that insinuates a mutual attraction to BOTH genders. So, queer FEELS right.
I told ONE friend that I was gay, and he took it extremely well. However, now I’m the one uncomfortable around him, because I don’t trust his acceptance. My sexual orientation is fear.
Also, to be fair to the guy that grilled you on your orientation, remember that sexual minorities have an extremely strong tendency to think in great depth about the concept of sexuality and what makes you gay, trans, bi etc. It’s a huge part of our lives, so we scrutinize a lot. It’s simply not something the average straight person often has to think about, so their theories and ideas will be less developed.
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