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6 July 2010, 4:44 pm 18 Comments

Zack's Ramblings: When Straight Girls Attack

This post was submitted by Zack Rosen

Note: I do not have fag hags. This doesn’t mean that some of my best friendships aren’t with straight girls. Rather, I see a clear distinction between loving, mutually beneficial platonic relationships and the kind of situation where some curious lady wants to hear if I top or bottom and treats going to gay bars like a monthly urban safari designed specifically for them. Elizabeth, Abi, Casey, so many others: You’re the best friends a guy could ask for. This isn’t for you.

Three nights ago I was walking down DC’s U Street, the east end of which holds several gay bars, with a couple male friends of mine. Granted many of us were wearing tank tops but I don’t think that precludes kind, humane treatment. Some girls who I don’t think were lesbians were stalled drunkenly at the alley next to Nellies, checking their phones and twiddling their Mardi Gras necklaces, when one decided to annoy the everloving crap out of me. ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO NELLIES? She screamed, in a volume usually reserved for running alongside the train taking your loved one to the Korean War. I mumbled back that no, I was going to Town, a megaclub down the street. YOU’RE SO CRAZY!!!!! she screamed back, as if singing “What a Man” to a deaf person.

I hate when people say “you’re so crazy.” In my experience it is what boring people say when they find out that I have seemingly innocuous personality quirks that they can’t process. I collect belt buckles? Sometimes I go to the zoo by myself to relax? You’re so crazy! In this case, though, I think she making the same mistake that so many annoying straight girls do: That all gay men are fundamentally entertaining creatures who are strange enough, exotic enough, to warrant ostensibly benevolent intrusion into our mating rituals.

I strongly suspect these girls were taking part in one of the many bachelorette parties that wind their way though Nellies’ highly-cologned interior. I don’t find these to be irritating, per se, as many of these girls have the tact to keep their hands and  never-ending questions to themselves. But I know this: Gay men are not curiosities and our bars are not carnivals. Bachelorette parties seem to be based in going to the most outrageous places and doing over the top things. Skydiving? That works. Jello Shots at Game Keepers? Ok, I won’t stop you. But there are probably hundreds, if not actually thousands, of bars in the Washington metropolitan area and I don’t see what makes mine so damn compelling.

Are you there to ogle the gorgeous, unattainable men? There are gorgeous straight guys, and my guess is that obnoxious bachelorette behaviour would make any of them reasonably out of your league. Do you want to flirt or make out with fags? Then get a Republican boyfriend and wait three years. Do you wanna get a drink and just enjoy yourself at a fun bar? Then awesome, sit down next to me and I’ll get the first round. But straight girls, please, remember that I’m a person first, sodomite later.

I don’t know if your ex-boyfriends’ predilection for pastels and anal means he’s gay. I don’t want to answer your speculative questions about Little Richard’s orientation. I don’t like when you say that “I’m one of the good ones” and CERTAINLY do not want you cornering me for 45 minutes to  talk about why gay guys are so much cuter while hovering your gaping, lipsticked maw near my ear and  erotically whispering that you’re a good kisser.

If I sound snippy here it’s because I’m trying to disguise my genuine hurt. One thing I value enormously is the privilege of not explaining my sexuality all the time when I’m out on the town. I’ll tell you where I’m from or how I met my boyfriend, or gripe about the many small injustices that make up the average queer day. But I won’t speak for everyone and I won’t let you ruin my night.

Honestly, ladies, I would appreciate it the most if you took your bachelorette parties and inappropriate, prying queries elsewhere. You’re taking up valuable space that could be used for my straight girl friends who treat me not like one of Jane Goodall’s gorillas, but like a friend.

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  • Jamez said:

    Oh, no. I think I’m falling in love. You rock, Zack.

    Imagine the inanity thrown into the mix when one is gay and black: “What up, Biiitch?” “Haay, Gurlfrin!” “Oh no you di-int!”

    Le sigh.

  • TF923 said:

    I could not agree more. Great post!

  • Thomas said:

    “One thing I value enormously is the privilege of not explaining my sexuality all the time when I’m out on the town.”

    i think the only times during which i have to explain my sexuality is when i’m out on the town. oh dear, time for a move?

  • Dana said:

    People don’t annoy you, you let them annoy you.

  • Jamez said:

    …that’s annoying…

  • Caboodles In My Case said:

    [...] The New Gay » When Straight Girls Attack [...]

  • Molly Ren said:

    “Do you want to flirt or make out with fags? Then get a Republican boyfriend and wait three years.”

    *cracks up*

  • Scott said:

    Actually, it kind of is a safari. Right into the middle of a ridiculous, sex-crazed jungle… if you’re going to frolic in fagdom, then you better expect to be treated like everyone else who partakes, especially if an “outsider” is taking her first glimpse.

  • MarkDC said:

    The Gay man/fag hag relationship is easily defined as co-dependent. I have no idea why anyone would find that dynamic attractive.

    Healthy people have boundaries. It’s time straight people started understanding this.

  • Chad said:

    @markdc Why does it require any “defining”, it just IS. You’re trying to intellectualize juvenile, college age/20-something behavior and hardly worth expending precious brain cells on. Stop choking in the smoke of the gay kiva. The “real” world is just outside the door waiting to be disovered.

  • MarkDC said:

    @ Chad

    Actually the very reason I see this, and most of Official Gay Culture, clearly is precisely because I live outside the margins of that claustrophobic world.

    Pretending the Gay man/fag hag relationship “just IS” ignores the entrenched bigotry producing that very dynamic. That’s lazy.

    Projecting anger and obsession onto others is a typical Gay “arch” move.

    Good luck with that.

  • Chad said:

    @markdc, I beg to differ, choosing ones intellectual battles CAREFULLY and WISELY is anything but lazy. To ponder and derive compelling policital or social significance from the juvenile shenanigans of the (gay man/fag hag dynamic)is an imbecilic waste of ones time.

    SERIOUSLY, get thee to a topic that matters(Iraq, recession, Haiti, the gulf oil spill).

    The gay man/fag hag relationship…..HAH!

  • Zana Dunsmuir said:

    The gay kiva, that’s funny, isn’t that another name for a gay bathhouse?

  • Nick Cox said:

    These women are on about the same level as the silly ass faggots flitting around these clubs and late nite urban centers. Everyone is playing out their shopworn version of La “HOMO”LCE VITA.

    Have any of you ever been to Halo(GAY-BLOW)or Cobalt(BLOW-VAULT)?

  • Daniel said:

    The DC area(including NoVA and MD)gay scene is as stifling and fucked up as the traffic and dogshit humid weather that goes with it. I plan to move to Seatlle in the Fall and GOOD RIDDANCE to all you miserable fucks. YOU MAY HAVE IT!

  • MarkDC said:

    @ Chad

    Really? Then why have you “carefully” and “wisely” chosen this battle with me? Wouldn’t that be an “imbecilic” waste of your time?

    Your concern for “a topic that matters” is misguidedly directed at me. If you don’t like this topic you should address your dissatisfaction at Zack.

  • @chad said:

    No MarkDC,

    My “dissatisfaction” is very “guided” and most specifically directed…..Zach hasn’t anything to do with this.

    Friendly fire or not so friendly(now that I come to think of it), you made a point of dropping your deux centimes by shooting off your mouth concerning a subject I feel is totally without merit in the realm of LEGITIMATE gay themed debate or otherwise.

    I felt you needed taking to task(as it might get you to think next time before boring the audience with useless minutia involving ridiculous gay polemics).

    If you cant go to “the mat” with your statements and exhibit defensiveness, then stay the fuck off the board.

    This is an open forum and being in the public domain it’s open for discussion.

    Take a punch and hit back,,,,,cool.

    Take a punch and run and tell your momma,,,,,I don’t wanna hear it.

  • sunday smut: links on sex and gender (no. 29) | the feminist librarian said:

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