This post was submitted by Topher Burns

My crush on Jake Pavelka, hottest of all the Bachelors, is officially over.

Last night I thought I’d tune in to his “break-up special” in which he and his bride-to-be Vienna would confront each other on national television about their tabloid spat.  Now, Vienna’s your garden-variety skank, so I was looking forward to seeing her ass get tossed to the curb with the rest of last week’s trash.  Instead, I found myself transfixed by the implacable face of evil.

Someone a little smarter or self-possessed than Vienna could have made Mr. Wings-of-Love look foolish, but the silly ho just brought out his angry side.  He bitched about her “undermining” and “emasculating” him by doing unspeakable things like using a GPS system instead of trusting his directions, or re-measuring their apartment for furniture after he had already “figured out the only way to do it.”  Vienna went all to pieces and made absolutely no sense, but it was Jake who turned out looking terrifying and frankly abusive.

Like a tiger that’s grown accustomed to the taste of manflesh, I think we can expect Jake Pavelka to continue to stalk the easy-prey spotlights of reality shows, talk show circuits, and any place else he can flaunt his sanctimonious side.  For all our sakes, though, let’s hope he does it single, and he does it shirtless.

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