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15 June 2010, 9:00 am One Comment

Co będzie Twoją przygodą?: Sales Pitch

This post was submitted by Jude

SALES PITCH

Inmigración, Desilusión y Otros Relatos: Al Mejor Estilo Americano

from Inmigración, Desilusión y Otros Relatos: Al Mejor Estilo Americano

Recently, our governor Jan Brewer signed the nation’s toughest bill on illegal immigration into law. Its aim is to identify, prosecute and deport illegal immigrants. Though President Barack Obama has called for a federal overhaul of immigration laws, having decided this move threatened “to undermine basic notions of fairness that we cherish as Americans, as well as the trust between police and our communities that is so crucial to keeping us safe,” there will still be plenty of time to catch those immigrants before he is able to do anything about it.

So, my fellow Arizonans, if the aim of this new law is to identify, prosecute and deport, the only hiccup is with the first action: identification. Isn’t it impossible to detect an illegal immigrant based on their appearance? Well, not anymore!

I have invented a device to determine a person’s immigration status just by scanning the palm of their hand, which will expedite the process to rid our state of immigrants. I call it The Deportanator. It was created using the most cutting edge Taiwanese technology, made up of the same material found in your iPod, from the zinc and lithium mines in The Democratic Republic of Congo—and manufactured right here in the U.S.A. There’s one job they can’t take away from us!

But don’t just take my word for it. The Deportanator is guaranteed to work, based on my own trial, conducted since it was patented last Tuesday. I took my new invention to a local Mexican eatery here in Phoenix, notorious for a mostly Hispanic workforce. Did I mention it’s small enough to carry around in your pocket? You never know when you will need it, after all. Once I had finished eating my huevos rancheros, I grabbed hold of the busboy clearing my plates.

Habla ingles?” I asked him. It’s hard not to know a little Spanish around here.

“Yes, I do,” he told me, blinking repeatedly.

Needless to say, I didn’t need to ask for his papers. I just asked to see his hand, and using The Deportanator, took an infrared scan until I heard it beep. Suffice to say, the young busboy is now back with his family in Ciudad Juarez, eating tacos and running from drug cartels, where he belongs.

On my way back to the lab, I noticed my taxi driver was wearing some sort of turban. Needless to say, I had to check his license photo on the back of the seat. I could not even try to pronounce the name I saw. I also noticed a photo mounted on his dashboard. It was a woman. She was, of course, covered by some sort of veil.

“Hey, what’s the point of having that picture if you can’t even see her face?” I asked. Am I right?

With one quick scan, I was able to determine that my driver was, in fact, not a legal citizen. And before the day was through, he was on a plane back to Afghanistan or Iraq. I’m not actually sure where he was even from. I just hope the plane made it!

So what’s the secret to my invention? The Deportanator actually detects levels of melanin in the subject’s skin, and goes off upon the presence of certain pigments (those of illegal immigrants). As if there was any other way!


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