Commentary: On Gay Marriage
This post was submitted by TNG contributor, Christopher J.
Something I don’t understand is why people value the word marriage so intensely. If gays are allotted the same rights as straight couples with the exception of the term marriage being branded onto them, what is so bad about that?
Marriage, after all, has been, and still is in many parts of the world, a contractual agreement between two persons, one male and one female, in which both parties acknowledge that they are to: share each other’s wealth or, in many cases, lack thereof; have children; live until death do they part. If this sounds like an excerpt out of some lawyer’s brief, it most certainly could be one.
In the pre-Modern era, women were married off for financial reasons. A poor woman would marry a rich man to gain financial stability for herself and her family. Men were only interested in a woman if her dowry were big enough. Even now that’s the case. Although we hate to admit it, our parents and friends want us to marry the rich, successful individual rather than the starving street musician, not to insult any starving street musicians but you get the picture.
I understand the argument for gay marriage back when there were no civil unions or domestic partnerships. But when we as gays are afforded the same rights as married couples, I don’t understand the arguments over semantics. Why do we care so much about the term anyway? Especially when physically it makes no difference whatsoever?
Do we really want to be labeled as married? We’ve been so caught up in this battle for equality and the battle for tolerance that we’ve been blind-sighted by the less important things such as fighting over the usage of a word, especially one that can carry a pejorative connotation.
What makes it worse is that gays, those who fight for our right to get ‘married’, are prone to a higher divorce rate than straight couples. In Sweden, one of the countries that permits gay marriage, the divorce rate of gay couples is double that of straight couples. Even when California legislated gay marriage, many people ended up in divorce. We are so eager and passionate about being married but when we finally have the right to, we take a step back and sometimes back out entirely.
Being married means that you have a 34 percent chance of getting a divorce. This, of course, is only your first marriage. Your second and third and fourth marriages increase your chances dramatically. Marriage also means stress from financial situations if neither spouse is monetarily secure.
Of course I know all relationships, whether gay or straight, have problems. What I’m trying to point out, instead, is why one measly word means so much. Especially when the word makes no difference in our lives legally. Of course, if we want to argue how the word affects us on a personal basis, no law forbids anyone to say they married. Look on the bright side. If you really want people to know you’re married, post it on Facebook.
When I hear people say they want to get married or love the idea of marriage, what I believe they are really saying is, I love my husband/wife and I want to stay with them forever. I love big wedding ceremonies where I get to flaunt my thousand-dollar dress. In actuality, I don’t think it’s the marriage that people are after. Instead, it’s love. People want love. Regardless of our sexual orientations, we want our love realized. But when they are realized by law, I don’t understand the need to argue semantics. Because if from the dawn of time marriages were called civil unions, or vice versa, we would fight to get our marriages changed to civil unions.
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People want love? People want equality, not to be treated as second-class citizens. Separate but equal has proven itself to be impossible. Try asking the straights to give up the term “marriage” and see how they react.
Not labeling gay relationships as a marriage devalue the relationship. Yes some states (few) have civil unions or domestic partnerships…but as we have already learned a name has great value. In states that have civil unions people and corporations can and do deny benefits based on the fact the gay couple is not married. In hospitals visitation they can and are at the mercy of the staff and their beliefs. It is meant to punish gays like blacks being forced to sit in the back of the bus or drinking from different fountains. It is only meant to humiliate, embarrass, and devalue gays. If all the legal rights are given without the word it is meaningless, because all of the rights will be at the whim of the situation and those involved.
The author just hasn’t done his homework. Strikingly, he fails to address the conclusions of New Jersey’s Civil Union Review Commission, which was established at the time the state adopted civil unions to see if they could provide an institution that was equivalent to marriage. The Commission was composed of thirteen members representing various stakeholder groups and amassed a huge amount of data, including testimony of people in civil unions, their children, and medical experts. The Commission decided unanimously that civil unions had failed to provide an institution that was equal to marriage. Its full report is available at http://www.state.nj.us/lps/dcr/downloads/CURC-Final-Report-.pdf.
One more thing: the author makes a bunch these arguments based on surveys but never gives a link for them. Given that there’s tons of bad data floating around about marriage and especially same-sex marriage, why are we supposed to trust what he says?
This makes me sick… I agree, marriage is primarily about the commitment, but it has evolved in our legal system to be much more than that. There are 1,138 federal benefits associated with marriage, not to mention the benefits given by local municipalities. This alone is disgusting, let alone the thought of living as a second class citizen, denied the satisfaction of having your relationship recognized by the state, when others are afforded such a luxury. Your complacency is a disservice to the community, and you should not be writing if you are so backward.
well said, MChristoff
I’m from the UK and me and my man have been ‘married’ for four years. Though of course. While amongst friends we can call it a marriage, legally we cannot – and that is what sticks in the throat, and that is what feels like yet another hurdle.
Civil Partnership – its a mouthful, its clinical, and its a reminder to everyone that our legal union is different. Its also deeply patronising. It makes me feel like the decision was made that because the gays were moaning about being ‘equal’ and ‘normal, like us’ our government created a new ‘special’ marriage especially for the gays. ‘We shall tell them that straight people can do it to – to make it you know, equal, but no way will we legally recognise it as a marriage cos thats just for the real normal people, the straights. Maybe that will shut them up.’
On two occasions now, when dealing with the local authorities, I said that I was married, when they asked me what my wifes name was – I said Keith – and I was corrected immediately: Oh, you mean you’re civil partners.
Yeah thanks, for that. I’m sorry for trying to trick you into thinking that me and my partner were normal.
The refusal to recognise the term marriage for gay people is a safety net for straights. It reassures them that they are the good, decent, normal people. They are safe. It confirms that straight people are on a higher level who naturally deserve the sacred statement of what true love is, between a man and a woman. It says, ‘Let the gays have their own pretend service and party, but please don’t for one second thing that its the same as our REAL marriage.’
It may just be a word. It may not mean much to someone who has no interest in marriage or finds the whole thing a curious over-reaction of a word.
In fact, its another link in the chain that holds gay people back from having a normal, equal existance. And to shrug your shoulders and think it petty is to ignore the real issue that we have a long way to go before sexuality is truly a none issue.
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