This post was submitted by Levi

“And if you care to stay
in our little corner of the world
We could hide away
in our little corner of the world
We always knew that we’d find someone like you
So hop o’er to our little corner of the world”

–“My Little Corner of the World” by Yo La Tengo

The vast majority of people seek out groups of others who share one of more the same characteristics, likes, or experiences they do.  When these people are minorities or “outsiders” of a culture or society, they tend to form communities based on this commonality.  Hence we get subcultures ranging from the gaming community, the gay community, the trans community, the BDSM community, the autistic community, etc. These originally started out of a sense of mutual need—to protect each other from those outside who would want to harm us, dole out questions and advice, to support each other in struggle, and to not feel so alone even though we may be different from what is considered the “norm”. Sounds good, right? Of course it does!

But the in-fighting can be worse than if you had merely just struck out on your own to face society at large.  The pressure to fit in is even worse and all your flaws seem magnified and extremely obvious.  And the in-drama can make you want to puke (you know, like how you won’t go to this one place because there’s someone you don’t like there, or your ex who started dating your now ex-best friend and took a bunch of your shirts goes there every Thursday and Sunday).  Not to mention all those little niches and sub-communities within those communities (let’s take the leather community for example: Are you Old Guard or New Guard? Do you live it 24/7 or just occasionally? Are you into Boot Blacking?).

I have never been one for being part of a “community”. I am mostly a “lone wolf” kind of person with a few people I seek out regular interaction with.  I generally view most people with a sense of blatant hesitation and paranoia.  I talk about my pets a lot (speaking of which, my hamster is using my shoulders as an amusement park as I type this).  For the most part, I feel little to no kinship to people based on one shared fact between us.  It doesn’t give me a reason to hang around with them if I don’t like them as a person or find them uninteresting.

So, even though I am a trans and queer guy, I  don’t consider myself to be a part of either the trans or queer (or gay, because I am a fellow who likes fellows) communities.  I am by default, but I don’t really seek to insert myself…Partly because of the above reasons and partly because of a fear of rejection.  I know, it is pretty much impossible to be forcibly kicked out and banned from being a member of a community, but it is very possible to be largely shunned or disregarded. I have previously mentioned that I don’t feel that at-ease in the gay men’s community because of my transition status; there are times that I have felt downright unwelcome and undesired because of comments or attitudes made (but are thankfully more often getting challenged by other gay guys). And even when welcome, there generally is that lingering awkward feeling of “Erm…We’re not completely sure what to do with you…”  In the trans community (especially online), there is so much bloody fighting about semantics, what words are/aren’t okay, identity politics, radical vs. non-radical, and on and on and on…Screw that, more stress than I really want to or can deal with.

Basically, my relation to communities is this: I tend to stay away, but I’d like to think that I can take it or leave any time.  I have friends who happen to be fellow gay, queer, Aspie, or trans people, but I keep them close to me because I like them for much more than just that commonality between us.  Why try to force relations or box yourself into groups based on something that may or may not be naturally occurring?  I find organic relationships to be so much more worthwhile, long-lasting, and way less stressful.  And I am certain that the people I keep close would have my back as I would for them.

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