This post was submitted by t

Editor’s note: This post should not be read during your lunch break. At least not if you’re actually eating lunch.

“pffffft”

Suddenly her heart is pounding, she’s wide awake. “What the hell was that?!” she thinks. But she already knows. She was just woken up by her own fart. “God I hope Melissa didn’t hear it. Please, please let her still be asleep.” But Melissa hasn’t moved. Phew. Safe. That was a little too close for comfort.

Have you ever burped while kissing? You pray the other person didn’t notice, and that it didn’t leave an after-taste/smell.

How about the “body fart”? When you’re hot and sweaty, your bodies are pressed tightly together and when you pull apart it sounds like a fart.

Have you ever had a moan of pleasure be confused with one of pain? Or had sex in a bed that squeaked too much?

Have you ever worried you might pass gas as you orgasm? Or let a little #2 go? As if it’s not bad enough this can happen to a woman giving birth, it can also occur during sex. Actually, it happened to a friend of mine. She wasn’t nearly as mortified as I expected, and instead brushed it off, saying “what? It was so good I just couldn’t contain myself, I lost control.” At the time I thought, this takes “letting yourself go” to a whole new level. But then I realized, there is so much that can be awkward during sex, this is just one more thing to add to the mix. In the end, I had to commend her for being so comfortable with herself and her partner.

And what about queefing? This wouldn’t be a proper post about awkward noises during sex if I didn’t give queefing its due. It happens to the best of us at the worst of moments. What do you do? You can laugh about it, you can groan, you can explain yourself – “you know what that was, right?” as if knowing it’s a queef and not a fart makes it better! I’ll let you in on a secret though, believe it or not, I’d be willing to bet it’s always much more awkward for the giver than the receiver. The receiver (i.e. the person not releasing the noise) should know exactly what it is, especially if her fingers are still inside you, because she can feel the air being released. She probably also felt the air swell inside you, and so knows it’s coming. Some positions are more likely to induce this state than others. In my experience, lying on your back is the best way to avoid queefing, while being on your hands and knees above your partner while being fingered puts you the most at risk. But if it does happen, depending on your comfort level with your partner, there are a couple things you can do to alleviate the awkwardness. One option is to just ignore it. Another is to laugh. To stay sexy in the moment you could incorporate it into your love-making by talking dirty over the noise, as in (post/during queef) “ooh baby, don’t stop, deeper” etc. so that your partner remains focused on your pleasure. If you are the non-queefer, knowing your partner feels uncomfortable with her involuntary noises, you can calm her fears by reminding her she’s sexy, talking to her, laughing with but definitely not at her, etc. If you foresee the queef because you can feel the air swelling inside her, you can try to release some of it by creating a passageway for the air between your fingers and the opening to the vagina. The most important thing to remember is that queefing is normal. It’s hard to avoid it. It happens to everyone. It feels awkward because it sounds like a fart, but it’s not. It’s okay!

Maybe in an attempt to avoid all this noise, you do nothing, you’re quiet, reserved, collected. You manage to eliminate all sound including your inner monologue. And then what? It’s much too quiet. Awkwardly quiet. The silence is deafening!

A couple tips: play music or talk to each other, moan etc. (see my first post for tips). Try not to be too serious, if something unusual happens or your bodies make a weird noise, laugh about it, it’s okay, sex can be fun. Finally, try to stay confident, be fully in the moment, remember you’re sexy and so is your partner – and it’s important to remind each other of that. Focus on the positive elements, the pleasure, the beauty – delight in each other’s bodies.

Send me your stories: t@thenewgay.net

---

First time here? See what we're all about... Get involved... Send us a tip!...

---