Cynical and Southern: I Take No Pride In Being Gay
Photo by David Bailey
I am not proud of being gay. Nor am I ashamed. I am cool with it.
I do not have White Pride, Male Pride or Polish Pride although I am white, male, and Polish.
Humans are multifaceted beings. Each of us is probably able to subscribe to some minority, and some majority. There is probably something about each of us that can fit into the big box and fit into the small box. We have the option of defining ourselves as we choose.
I view homosexuality as a variation of human existence but never a deviation. I am cut out from the same cloth as every single human being that ever was, is, and will be. Like snowflakes no two cloths will ever be the same.
Flags initially define us but they also divide us. Flags that symbolize a rich history can also represent a bleak present. Flags can be a source of strength for one person and an easily marketed identity to another. But who are we without all the variances that divide us? At the core of our beings what is left of us once we subtract all the man-made symbols, labels, and definitions that we’ve attach to ourselves? Every human being is a unique individual composed by the sum of their parts. In society we divide ourselves by the sum of these parts.
The homosexual aspect of my being casts me into a minority. I’ve struggled my entire life to find my place within this minority. To reject the rainbow flag and all its modern connotations seems to be the ultimate taboo. To rebel against ones own “minority” is considered near blasphemy.
But there are so many things that anger and sadden me about current gay culture. Isn’t the ultimate goal to evolve into well-adjusted healthy happy human beings? Are we even striving to be happy and well-adjusted?
Thanks to those who have fought in the past for our current freedoms. But at what point to we become imprisoned by this freedom? Today we have people fighting for our freedom in the law books but what about liberation from our own internal oppressors? The little voice inside of us that tell us we are inferior? Without a sane voice to lead us through the darkness how many get sucked into the emptiness and vice? There is far too much emphasis on humanity’s differences and very little focus on how much we are all the same. I’ll be damned if I’ll feel inferior…or superior.
We must take accountability for our actions. As the LGBT Revolution evolves perhaps it is time to retool the slogans and the viewpoints. I find it impossible to take pride in being gay because it is not something that I worked for. It just is. I just am. So what is the the next step after pride? Being secure in our existences. I can stand behind any movement that celebrates diversity but find it strange after we’ve come this far to boast about it. Instead of gay pride how about “Diversity Recognition” or even “LGBT Recognition”?
I take no pride in the things that divide me only comfort in the things that define me.
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Well it’s nice that your priviledge is advanced enough that pride is offensive to you. This sort of reasoning against identity politics allows people who have to ignore people who don’t because they choose to ignore mutually uniting factors.
I check in on TNG fairly regularly, because I think there are occasionally interesting articles, but there are also a fair number of articles, like this one, which seem to lack any sense of self criticism; they trot out vague introductory “lessons” like they haven’t been covered (and with more depth, I might add) before. I don’t necessarily mean covered on this site before, and I recognize that not everyone has encountered the same discussions, and that often it’s useful to cover foundational arguments, but when there’s an apparent lack of intellectual self-criticism the end result tends toward “self-serving blog post” more than “article.” Which is, perhaps, the goal of this site (I didn’t think it was; but then, I’m neither an editor nor contributor, so I offer my comments as such – comments with which to do as you please, whether you ignore them or consider them my “suggestions.”) If that is the goal of this site, I’m sure it’s fulfilling some useful function (I say that sans sarcasm, in case anyone got a different impression), and I’ll defer to those in charge and stick to skimming for articles where I find more substance. But in the interest of constructive criticism (again: take it or leave it) I’ll continue (I’m also procrastinating.)
Anyway, regarding the article itself (note: I’m more using this article as an example, not to (maliciously, or anything similar) target this particular author; if it seems that I *am* targeting him, well, try to take is as constructive criticism in the interest of furthering dialogue) I’ll to work out what I find problematic about it. The most glaring omission, to me, is that of the entire issue of privilege. It’s be absurd to have White or Male pride because those are (relative) positions of privilege (which, as a brief working definition condensed for ease-of-use, I’ll cautiously (and awkwardly) define as “a position of not being ‘othered’”). [Regarding the issue of "Polish" pride, it seems (and correct me if I'm misguided) that that's more an issue of familial ancestry, more than personal present (and "ancestral pride" is not here comparable to a discussion of racial/sexual/gender/sexuality-related pride/privilege; there's probably another discussion buried in the issue, but I feel like I'm already writing a lot (for a comment.) Anyway.)] The idea of Straight Pride is absurd (and possibly offensive, depending on the argument, the aggressiveness of the speaker, and the sensibilities of the listener) because heterosexuality is the quantitative (and often qualitative) “norm;” it’s the default for a lot of culture(s), cultural institutions, institutions, etc. Existence (among other things, e.g. contentment) outside that default is the source of “Pride.” Ostensibly, at least; now, I have issues with some representations of the commercialized, homogenized (ha), monolithic “gay culture/”Pride” machine, too, and there are (obviously) many others. But that doesn’t lead me to an automatic dismissal of the entire notion of “gay pride,” or “queer pride,” etc.; to me, that’s both ignorant and dangerous. I’m not saying you have to “buy into” pride or anything, but to dismiss it entirely (and, again, without any critical awareness) seems misguided.
Hopefully that all was coherent, or at least some sense can be drawn from it. I’d also like to address the idea that “everyone is the same” because, for reasons touched upon above, it completely ignores (or, worse, attempts to obscure) (relations of) privilege and other-ness (as socially/culturally commanded/constructed.) The only way to develop strategies to minimize difference is to first recognize those differences, how and why they operate, and then to think through ways to work through them; ignoring them just means that they’ll still be there, but we won’t be able to engage them in a meaningful way. [To which I might add: it is important, however, to recognize that these differences are not absolute; they are constructed, perpetuated, and ingrained, but we should not take them as ordained by any cosmic (or whatever) order. To do so would be equally unproductive.]
“To reject the rainbow flag and all its modern connotations seems to be the ultimate taboo. To rebel against ones own “minority” is considered near blasphemy.”
Yes, for basically every (social/cultural/etc) movement there will be people who take any deviation from the “plan” (possibly itself of deviation) as a crime against the very group; know, however, that there are people who feel otherwise (and, indeed, some of these people still believe in the greater goals of the movement, or the ideas behind the movement, even if disagreeing with the means, or even some of the particular ideas espoused by the movement; or, even, one can be opposed to the movement and not be a “traitor,” though that both depends on one’s method of dissent and how people perceive them.) I guess, to clarify, I’m trying to say that there are people who believe in the “rainbow flag” without necessarily believing in everything it’s used for (or rather, I am such a person, and I hope there are people of similar sentiment.) To me, gay pride is more than celebrating the sexual objectification of twinks with body glitter. In a nutshell.
(I apologize if any of that paragraph seems redundant, or even condescending, because I entirely don’t mean it to be. Sometimes my writing just comes out stiff and awkward, is all. I really do have the best of intentions.)
“But at what point to we become imprisoned by this freedom? Today we have people fighting for our freedom in the law books but what about liberation from our own internal oppressors? The little voice inside of us that tell us we are inferior? Without a sane voice to lead us through the darkness how many get sucked into the emptiness and vice?”
So. Obviously we shouldn’t be telling ourselves we’re inferior (or superior.) But I don’t think that’s what pride is about, and recognizing one’s privilege (or lack thereof) does not constitute an admission of inferiority/superiority. Also, yes, some people get ‘sucked into emptiness and vice’; but then, that’s not simply an issue of Gay Pride/culture; it’s not all darkness. I think I’m losing a bit of steam at this point, but anyway, I don’t think the answer is to start ignoring differences. We should focus of similarities, yes, but it’s important to keep both in mind (for reasons outlined above.)
“So what is the the next step after pride? Being secure in our existences.”
To me, that’s what “pride” entails; and very often it IS something to work for (though that goes for everyone.) But, again, it is important neither to essentialize nor dismiss the differences that exist within systems of privilege.
Uh, so I guess in an attempted summary, there ARE problems within the current “Gay Pride”/”hedonist culture” movement/whatever; but I don’t think that is any reason to dismiss the entire idea of pride altogether. And, to your last point, I would venture “Queer Recognition,” although some people find the word problematic. Also, I guess, perhaps I’m wary that you’re worrying unnecessarily about people that choose, purposefully and in self-awareness, to live in a manner that you happen to disagree with; or (as sometimes happens, I’m not saying this is you’re position) that people “flaunting” themselves hurts those people who just want to be “normal.”
So, in a nutshell, to condense the above wall-of-text into one point: I find this article problematic because it seems to lack self-awareness/criticism, and doesn’t (to me) push the discussion forward; to me it just doesn’t do enough, and I’m not sure I agree with what it’s doing in the first place.
[One last note: there's also discussions to be had about the idea of "LGBTQ" "spaces"; that they divide people/they provide safe spaces/foster community building and all sort of things that I really don't have the energy/time to delve into right now, but it's also an issue I find interesting and relevant.]
And, again, my apologies for the wall-of-text above. I hope it made (some) sense and that people understand I wrote it all with good intentions.
Way to go, Jeremy! Well Said!! I’m with you all the way.
Northern (Canadian). Gay. No Shame. No Unearned Privilege. No Pride.
delmore scwartz said it best – in dreams begin responsibilities. the freedoms we have now, the priveleges we have to discuss these things in these forums, the abilities we have – for me, that’s something to be proud of, just as I’m proud of those epople who manage to live their lives, shaking off the suffering and the bigotry and choosing love over hate.
For me, “being” queer – well, there’s no such permanent state, it’s always in flux and what it means to me may not mean the same thing to someone else who id’s that way – but i know enough that when someone calls a femme boy a cocksucker, it doesn’t matter if i’m the st8est acting guy in the room, they’ll call me a cocksucker too… and until that day when i can live without fearing that i’m going to get the shit beaten out of me – despite the fact that i’m male, alost 6 feet etc – then others who are going to get the shit beaten out of them or harassed – fuck, all of us who can’t walk down the street holding the hand of our lover/partner/s – then to me, there’s still work, and there’s still pride.
I may not like a certain side of gay life – thankfully I have the freedom to be able to critique it, the responsibility to live differently. we have the freedoms and the responsibilites to debate – but not to proscribe or prescribe because then we’re replicating the same traps that we found ourselves in – of having to define, of having to act one way or paass the other, or think carefully when those who don’t have to get their free passes to wherever it is they live and think and breathe.
the velvet rage gets to a lot of this – for gay men i recommend it. but the work is not to identify folk and say, i’m not like them; it is to think of ourselves as possibilities becoming – not something natural, given, preformed, but people capable of creating meaning and action in our own lives. So maybe it’s about the creation of alternatives – not as sites of this is better than that, but as sites where new ways of being together can be found…
I have no hatred against the gay person I just cannot agree with the act. There are two illogical behaviors that humanity for some reason accepts. That divorce ( because if you have children that’s a bridge that can never be undone, the kids will always see you as family. What other relationship can we get divorced because we disagree? It’s a illogical set up to destroy family unity.) & homosexuality ( it’s a union that cannot procreate naturally so it’s obvious the inappropriateness of it) both of the situations are mathematical so it’s a truth that can’t be turned into a lie. Humans get urges, we cannot justify unexplained urges. We have to just call it what it is.
which act… because i know my love for my partner isn’t based on any sexual insertion of the penis, and i imagine that two old people in their 70s who love each other isn’t based on their ability to procreate…
and if we rely on nature for examples, homosexuality occurs frequently in the animal kingdom, whereas individuality, the separation of people because of their acts, is a decidedly unnatural thing….
Um, is it just me? Or does Sean’s comment above have absolutely nothing to do with this post? Anyway, that being said – I’d like to agree with Jason and Stefan’s (rather lengthy) assertions.
Moreover, to Jeremy I’d like to express that pride is not something I can consider so indifferently. Perhaps the experiences you’ve had in your life were better (and thank your good fortune if they were). But for some of us, well, let’s just say that some gay kids had the sh*t kicked out of them every single day of their adolescence since the nanosecond they hit puberty, mostly for the crime of just being different.
The pain you feel, the rejection you suffer, the bruises you earn – those become scars that can make you feel inferior for a lifetime? You know what the opposite of pride is? Shame. And for every little gay boy or girl that was made to feel ashamed of themselves for being who they were, I offer them the bright beacon of hope called gay PRIDE.
I mean you no disrespect. You’re entitled to your opinion. And I think that the diversity in opinions in the comments and discussions are what make this site so great. But please think about that before too quickly rejecting something that is so precious and so necessary.
Yes, “LGBT Recognition” is nice. But that’s not enough to take the sting out of shame.
My Friend, Sorry to offend I reply in peace. We have to agree to disagree because this is an emotional conviction for you and emotions changes views.
We can love one another without sexual involvement in same sex relationship. Also it’s a serious injustice to compare human nature to the animal nature. While we can compare behavior patterns the two natures have entirely different values and purposes within creation. One is a Conscious Being and the other is beast of instinct. They don’t need Shrinks, Priest,Presidents or Professors to govern their society. We on the other hand have a conflict of Consciousness and freewill that effects the well being of our Physical wellness. It’s the battle of free will & self consciousness that provokes us to find justification for our actions 1. Lust 2. Gluttony 3. Greed 4. Sloth 5. Envy 6. Wrath 7.Pride(which are not in harmony with the original purpose of creation)
I suggest you study the effects of disrupted Chakra energy by the perversion of Eros love.
May You Live 2C the Dawn.
<+S
good to know you’ve left all your emotional convictions at the door sean, and have a totally unfettered, rational opinion on this matter. your chakra energy must be quite impressive. please, feel free to continue to drop in every now and then bestow upon us your wisdom regarding humans’ purpose within creation.
Adam here
http://www.adishakti.org/subtle_system/kundalini.htm
Forgive my sloppy writing I’m going to try to articulate my knowledge into words of sense as best I can.
When the Muladhara Chakra is ruptured (it is when the prostate is stimulated by rear entry) the effect is like a Pandora’s box of forbidden awareness of the mother energy same principle as child molestation before sexual maturity the awareness then functions curruptively(The awakening of the Kundalini shows itself as “awakening of inner knowledge” and brings with itself pure joy, pure knowledge and pure love, like a mother. It’s “appropriately” activated at Fatherhood for men) inappropriately causing the male mind to behave from a feminine perspective.
Effeminate males 1st learn their behavior from a female that in someway (Emotionally,Physically or Tyrannically dominated them during early emotional development) deeply traumatized them. So early on, the mind developed femininely because the child learned to appease the dominant energy of the abuser. The intrusive identity within developed so gradually that the male identifies this energy as self (Gay)however; the feminine identity is not confirmed until after the sexual act is consummated by the same sex because it’s the inappropriateness of the bond that damages the mind (statutory rape,molestation,incest,rape all forms of inappropriate sexuality cause mental trauma and disrupt spiritual pureness on various levels). After that, it’s like crack addiction to the feeling the prostate stimulation. Same goes for anal sex with women because it’s the same Chakra that is being disrupted during anal sex. The Anus was not designed for penetration and the prostate was not designed for direct stimulation the Penis & Vagina are designed for direct stimulation resulting in orgasm & reproduction (that’s the illogical part of same sex relationships that reproduction can not occur.
And that’s how people grow up feeling, then acting, then believing, they where born gay.
ok sean, all due respect, but fuck off. everyone of us has heard this bullshit argument a million fucking times before, you’re not blowing anyone’s minds here. why on earth people go to gay websites to spout this anti gay
“penis and vagina like god designed” nonsense is totally beyond me. go stand and babble on a street corner somewhere because nobody here is buying this. seriously. don’t respond to this. just fuck off.
I like this post. Thank you Jeremy. I also agree with your words. RUSTIN BAYARD would be proud of a post like this. I think the next step in the movement is gathering those that are seriously ready to progress on a larger playing field. My greatest question that i have had after identifying all my variances is which ones should i choose to keep and which ones should i choose to discard. I know discard sounds like a harsh word and some people may even argue that we shouldn’t discard parts of ourselves but we do it all the time in our bodies, why not in our way of thinking as well. Ok maybe i am babbling but hopefully someone will get where i was trying to go with this.
by the way the variances i have discarded are
mostly the stereotypes of the variances which i unfortunately still recognize as characteristics of the variances.
I appreciate the article. no offense intended in my comment.
I don’t want to be pulled into any group, for statistical or for “uniting for change” purposes; Especially when the message fails to hit it’s mark due to the distraction from the Norm. My [honest] attempt in life: ife, liberty & the pursuit of Happiness.
i’ve waited a long time to hear this from someone else. thank you, Jeremy.
Jeremy, good article. I see exactly where you’re coming from.
You might be interested in something I wrote for TNG in September 2008…
http://thenewgay.net/2008/09/approximate-living.html
You are very naive. The great majority of people in this world hate you because you are gay. Many want you put to death. We stand together because we are a distinct group. You’re a tool.
Um… this is exactly the kind of article that belongs on a site called “for everyone over the rainbow”…
Nice job Jeremy… idealistic perhaps, but the right kind of idealism. I agree.
It’s not that I’m not proud to be a lesbian…. but i do not feel I need to walk in a parade to feel pride for myself nor do i need to hang a rainbow flag on my front porch. I take pride in the fact that I have been with my partner for seven years and we have a house and a life together. Some people look at pride as a bad thing but there is good pride then there is bad pride. To me when you are driving floats down the street with half naked men prancing around on them that’s not really something I want my parents to think about when they think of homosexuality. But thanks to tv and what not that is the idea everyone gets of gay people that we are all just a bunch of promiscuous people who want to party. They don’t see those of us who work hard every day to go home and be with the ones we love and just live our lives out of the public eye.
So what if we can’t procreate naturally as if the world needs more children i believe the straight people are handling that quite well at least we are here to adopt them.
Becky, “as if the world needs more children”? Really? Don’t you think, after a while, we would cease to exist?
I (tho I am gay) do agree with Sean. And I also agree with Jeremy. Just my two cents.
OMG, are there no happy, well-adjusted queers out there? Is everyone so miserable and disillusioned that we are fighting to throw off labels that no one is trying to stick on us. Maybe it’s because I grew up outside a major metropolitan city, but I have been out for more than half my life. Being gay is a part of who I am. I like me. I like being gay. I take pride in the history of the gay community and the men and women who blazed the trail that made it possible for us to be out. I take enormous pride in that.
How do I “subscribe” to being Black? How to I subscribe to being gay? Why run from things I can’t change. The problem I have isn’t what I am, it’s that other people don’t want to deal with the fact that when they have the luxury of “subscribing” to a big or little box they ignore that society tries to cram some of us onto those boxes against our will. Pride is a way of saying, “Fcuk you! I like who I am, and I’m not going into your stupid box.” I love being gay. I love being Black. I love almost everything about myself (I have a few bad habits I’d like to get rid of, but that’s another issue.) I love the diversity of human life. I love all of us in our multifaceted imperfection.
“But at what point [d]o we become imprisoned by this freedom?” First, you cannot be imprisoned by freedom. We can have freedom that we don’t fully utilize. That’s a waste and leads to pathological behavior. For example, there’s the idea that people hate us for being gay. No one can hate you if they don’t know you. When we accept that someone can hate us we validate their bigotry. We use our rational minds to give credence to their irrational beliefs. If someone bashes you, verbally or physically, because they “hate fags.” They don’t hate you. They don’t know you. They are an irrational, bigoted person. It makes no sense to worry about what they think. Just make sure you do whatever you can to protect yourself from the violence generated by their ignorance.
I have a good friend who is about as different from me as you can imagine. The only thing we have in common is that we have some shared values, but even the way we reached those values is totally different. I LOVE that guy, and I love talking to him about his journey to reach similar conclusions about life but from a totally different life experience. My partner of 8 years is a white guy from the rural North, whose family struggled financially. I’m a Black guy from the suburban South who never knew the meaning of the word “want.” The only thing we have in common are shared values. We’ve had to learn new ways to communicate, but the differences have enriched both of our lives.
Here’s what I think. Studies have come out showing a decrease in empathy for others. A study came out today stating that a considerable number of women between 18 and 35 are addicted to Facebook. We are plugged in to our iPhone, iPad, iPod, and laptop. We bury our heads in books and newspapers. We spend more time on the phone talking to the people we know and ignore the people we don’t know. I constantly wonder how many people have missed the man of their dreams because they were on their frigging cell phone. Differences scare us, and we are generally scared of people. If we stay away from people in general and avoid being vulnerable we won’t have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that come up when people question us, specifically as it pertains to our sexual orientation.
But here’s the proverbial rub. Our community doesn’t define us. We harness our skills and talents and lend them to our community to make it in the image we desire. If you’re waiting for someone to come along and tell you what to do, you’re going to continue to be disappointed. If you don’t think you are special, worthy or have something unique to offer the world, you are going to be sitting around waiting for a long time. When I read comments on this site, I get the feeling there are a bunch of people sitting around waiting for something to happen or someone to lead them.
Being proud of who i am includes all the things of which i am comprised – specifically those which are often under/misrepresented or targeted negatively. If we do not have pride in our communities it just leaves more room for others to minmalize us. Its also important to remember that Pride does not equal Pride Parade.
@Adam… pay no mind to Sean… I know its hard sometimes when these lunatics come in “meaning no offense” and try to justify their bigotry with quotes from a book of fables they call the “holy” bible. Its like someone trying to justify the fact that that afghan girl got her nose cut off by her father in law because she fled his abusive son, and quoting the Quran as a legitimate defense…after all the Quran must say somewhere that this is a just punishment for disobeying the husband/master…its LAUGHABLE and sick that these people live there lives based on superstition and ancient story books about a man in the sky that looks like Chartlon Heston and wears a white robe, and made everything by magic…hey where did he get that robe anyway? and why is he wearing it? whats it made of? looks like cotton to me, but who picked the cotton seeds…oh wait maybe the slaves that he approved of in the first testament! and who sewed it together?
and why is he covering up? there was no one there to see him… and see what anyway? why would he have a reproductive penis? God doesnt reproduce does he? does he have an anus? for what? does he crap? does he eat? what does he eat? HELLO THINK RATIONALLY PLEASE PEOPLE! God and Santa are NOT real!!
There will always be a “sean” character on progressive blogs seeing if there is a way he can take shots at something he doesnt understand and disguise it as compassionate concern or “educating” us on this “truth he knows”
GUess what Sean, “God didnt create “adam and Eve” OR “Adam and Steve” OR for that matter Adam and GUY! Its called evolution, and there is hard factual concrete physical proof of it in science and right around the corner from me at The Museum of Natural History in NYC…ever see that little place?! lol
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“But there are so many things that anger and sadden me about current gay culture. Isn’t the ultimate goal to evolve into well-adjusted healthy happy human beings? Are we even striving to be happy and well-adjusted?”
“I find it impossible to take pride in being gay because it is not something that I worked for. It just is. I just am.
Agreed. There is a huge difference between cultural identity (i.e. “Gay) and sexual orientation (homosexual). A difference Official Gay Culture completely ignores.
Cultural identity is acquired. Sexual orientation is natural and biologically determined.
To BE homosexual is not the same thing as to ACT “Gay”.
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