This post was submitted by Andrew Fogle

If there’s anything we here at TNG love more than exploring and celebrating the beautifully diverse patchwork of sexuality that makes 21^st century gay life so exciting, it is inventing totally arbitrary classificatory schemes and using them to stereotype lots of people. In this spirit I offer today’s post.

Bears, wolves, and dolphins are widely known and just as widely loved. But what about those alternatively follicular fags whose whorls and whiskers are under-appreciated in a culture of overwhelming Mammalmetaphornormativity? Don’t they too deserve cute shorthands to describe their hair patterns, however far outside the mainstream or underwear line they range? For their sake, and for the sake of fellow fur aficionados everywhere, I venture these bold steps.

Happy hunting.

• The Satyr, like the horny pastoral
  

  compliments deviantart's dronio http://dronio.deviantart.com

  demigod of Greek mythology that is his namesake, is characterized by a reasonable distribution of body hair across the chest, neck, and torso, and an inhumanly dense pelt around the legs and buttocks. Satyrs enjoyed a brief period of popularity after James Mcavoy played that one weirdly sexy thing in that crazy evangelical fantasy movie, but have since fallen out of favor owing to the fact that topping for one is to risk an especially uncomfortable kind of rugburn.

• The Mange Man has the unfortunate problem of being endowed with baby-tender skin, magnificent ram-like wool, and everything in between, all on one body. He may be balding, he may be lacking an armpit tuft, he may possess a single sideburn that runs uninterrupted to his testicles – MM’s trademark is that in the buff he looks as if he spent his puberty playing on a slip and slide covered with Nair.
  

  The Naked Mole Fag is terrible at pillow talk

• The Naked Mole Fag pushes the boundaries of smoothness far beyond twink and dolphin territory, incurring the justified ire of those of us who aren’t keen on infantilized sex objects. Ranging in age from hormonally-deficient college undergraduates to elderly testicular cancer survivors, some NMF’s even possess a fontanelle, or soft spot, at the top of their browless, lashless, nauseatingly immature, amphibiously hairless heads.  Under no circumstances is this to be considered a serviceable orifice.

• The Lava Bar Guy , for reasons totally inaccessible to all other hair-types of guys, takes it upon himself to maintain body stubble at precisely the length, density, and rigidity capable of causing massive skin hemorrhaging after as little as a casual embrace.  Friction from his sandpaper torso is the reason why you have all those irregular lesions.  Or so you hope and pray.

• The Al-Queerda Operative is the kind of
  

  I don't know what this man would think about coming across his likeness on an American alternagay blog, which is why I don't sign articles with my last name

  guy who always manages to make your heart race when he gets onto a Metro car, either because you’re terrified that whatever is in his gym bag will plaster your smoldering remains to the walls of the Green Line tunnel or because his vaguely menacing, cheekbone-enhancing terrorist beard threatens to  make you plaster smoldering remains all over the inside of your pants.  What AQO looks like under his shirt is of little significance, so long as wires and C4 charges aren’t involved.

• The Dog is actually just a dog you mistake for a three-way partner in bad lighting. Depending on his or her temperament and your blood alcohol content, you may not realize your mistake until morning, at which time you will sigh and gratefully recall, for something like the third time this month, that few parasites are communicable between human beings and domestic canines.

• The Otter is, as is well known, and the acme of gay male beauty, wit, and editorial prowess.

The list is of course incomplete, limited as it is by the author’s modest, poorly-lit sexual career and impending deadline. Post your favorite species, along with a brief description and links to tasteful erotic photographs, to the comment box below.

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