This post was submitted by our new television writer, Topher Burns.

If you haven’t yet read about “The Marriage Ref” negating all the good vibes Jerry Seinfeld sent out into syndication, then I suggest you scrap who you’re following on Twitter right now and start over.  It’s an awful, awful show.  Awful.

But before you lapse back into refrains of “I’m on Team Coco”, consider this curveball – maybe, just maybe, on an upcoming episode the Ref will have to tell one lesbian that seven dogs is plenty, and that her wife is right to protest the purchase of an eighth.

According to a 2009 GLAAD blog post, producers were hunting down gay married couples during casting for the show.  One very brutal year for NBC (and marriage equality) later, does “The Marriage Ref” have the balls to go through with this?  Well, they had the courage to animate their appallingly irrelevant intro…

So what would the show look like if it got a little gay?  The disputes (currently a boring shade of “whacky”) would be a bit different.

STRAIGHT: Hubby says wifey should dance for him on a stripper pole he’d like to install in their bedroom.

GAY: Wifey says stripper poles is a disgusting symbol of female objectification while other wifey says it represents the freeing power of female sensuality.

STRAIGHT: Wifey is tired of hubby taking his wedding ring off when he goes to hang out with his boys.

GAY: Hubby is tired of hubby keeping the phone numbers he collects on their separate nights off when they each go to hang out with their boyz.

STRAIGHT: Wifey and hubby argue about whether or not his stuffed and mounted pet dog belongs in the house

GAY: Hubby and hubby argue about whether or not their local upholsterer over-stuffed the fantastic period piece they found for a total steal at an estate sale in the ‘burbs.

[you thought I was going to make a “mounted and stuffed” gay sex joke, didn’t you, you filthy bigot?]

Militant feminism, open relationships, and titillating sexual innuendo aside, I just don’t think that a network too scared to air anything but Leno has the appetite for siding with same-sex marriage.  If their slate of new programs this fall says anything, in fact, it says “we’re oh so happy you’re straight.”

And in airing a show promoting the homosexual agenda, NBC wouldn’t only risk alienating the 45 of 50 states in which two dudes living together amounts to “Ted and his roommate”.  Even the gays themselves show signs of being pissed off by inclusion.  Calling something marriage that isn’t yet nationally recognized as such seems disingenuous, and almost like an effort to just gloss over significant societal problems with the unfortunately toothy grin of stand-up hack Tom Papa.

Besides, the show sucks.  Even if approached ironically.

Here’s hoping no gay couple needs marriage advice from experts like Madonna, Jerry Seinfeld, and Larry David.

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