Zack's Ramblings: That’s Not My Name!
My name, as in indicated on my birth certificate, is Zachary David Rosen. I usually introduce myself as Zack. I spent a brief stint in college as “Z-Roz” and occasionally “ZDR.” But I guess sometime after I moved to DC it got changed, because now I frequently get addressed as “she,” “her,” “Mary, ” “girl” or a million other feminine monikers that I don’t really understand.
It’s not that I’m uncomfortable being feminized or that I think there is any disparagement in being compared to a girl. I actually enjoy that being gay challenges the traditional idea of what men and women are supposed to do, so I’m not going to jump on the too-obvious “Gay men are not women!” band wagon.
Instead, I’ll just say that getting called “she,” “Mary,”Gladys,” et al really annoys me. Like, claws on the chalkboard annoys me. I don’t like when the people closest to me try to call me “Zacky” or “Zack Attack,” so when guys I’ve known for ten minutes start making up names and pronouns it brings up an odd mix of irritation and befuddlement.
I can deal with a lot of the self-deprecation that comes with being a minority. I’ve personally reclaimed the word fag and throw it around when I feel like it. I’m the king of buttsex jokes. But I just don’t get the humor or the point in everyone pretending that they’re a bunch of highschool girls. For one, anyone can be catty, mean or overly-dramatic. Instead of just owning that gay male behavior can be unnapealing, it’s a way of saying that female behavior is, in fact, unappealing and that we just borrow from it once in a while. Or is it an internalized version of that old misconception that gay men are women? Or is it just a joking way of referring to someone that isn’t couched in any subtext?
The third option would actually bother me the most. Of all the things that I didn’t understand about being gay when I first came out, that one was among the most confusing. I felt like I had waited for so long to be accepted who I was, but the second I found myself in a large group of people like me I got my name taken away. Like in the movie Spirited Away, it’s really easy to feel subsumed in a crowd if you are given a new moniker for a whole new world.
Especially one that is delivered in what is always the most conspiratorial, pointed tone of voice. Like a darker version of that gay coverall word “fabulous,” She/Mary/Her/Etc can mean a lot of different things, but few of them are positive. When a guy is in a bad mood, its “what got into her?” When you’re hooking up with someone your friends find questionable, they might fire off a noncommittal “she’s alright.” Or after a particularly bad weekend, “Mary, stories.” (Although I enjoy that one a little because it reminds me of 227.)
So maybe if you know me really well, and we have an established rapport, and we’re both highly aware that we’re joking it is mildly alright to test the “Mary” waters. But otherwise, please call me by my name.
(And to all the queer ladies out there, do you have any similar problems being called “he,” “dude,” etc?)
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ting ting!
Shea and I call each other “Mehhhhhreee” and “Sahhhhhndra” all the time. But as much as I love me some 227, that don’t make it okay. Next time I’ll slap her. Ugh. HIM.
Hey Zack, so the field I work in is mostly women. So members of my association think I am a woman on the phone, which I used to get when I was a kid. The worst though is when people who have never met me or spoken to me say shit like “Dear Mrs. Mahadevan” in e-mails – which is wrong on many levels because not only is it feminized, but they assume i am married too. I mean i’ve been know to say shit like “oh gurl” or call myself a “party gurl” (note the misspellings), but I understand part of your pain.
So, apparently, this tendency goes way back into the annals of gay history and has more to do with subterfuge than anything. I first read about it when I picked up Richard Meyer’s Outlaw Representation: Censorship and Homosexuality in Twentieth-Century American Art. In a chapter on Warhol (p. 104…viva la Google Books!), Meyer cites another scholar called Michael Bronski, re: “camp talk,” saying that usage had to do with speaking in mixed company about matters of one’s private gay life. The quote goes like this:
“[it] evolved as a coded, protected way of speaking about one’s personal and sexual life. If one man were to be overheard at a public dinner table saying to another, ‘You’ll never guess what Mary said on our date last night,’ nothing would be thought of it.”
So apparently, the gender roles business is an afterthought, since concealment was paramount. That’s gotta leave you asking why, objections to it for whatever reason or not, we’d hang onto this practice, because it’s basically rooted in shame and fear, right?
It seems to me to be mostly rooted in misogyny. It assumes that being feminine or female is somehow less-than. Yes, we’ve taken the names that the unenlightened and the homophobic call us (sissy, Mary, etc.), and we’ve turned them around and use them proudly … but those names were rooted in hate, and although we’re not using them as hate speech amongst ourselves, it still can be hurtful not only to us but to women as well.
I think it’s fun to be occasionally catty… but everything in moderation.
Amen Zack! (Thought using “Amen Brother” might undermine your point, LOL).
This has long been an issue of mine when interacting with fellow gays. My response to being called as such, depends on my mood, but is never positive. Honestly, I think it’s incredibly rude. It’s rude for any stranger to assume how I like to be called or how I identify myself. Just because someone falls closer on the sexuality spectrum to me than most doesn’t give them permission to forgo social politeness. If I allow any nicknames or monikers (which I rarely do) it’s only from close friends. People who know me well, not a random guy at a party or a club.
It’s also audacious and arrogant to assume that because one has followed a more effeminate gay identity that others have done exactly the same. By calling a stranger or loose acquaintance “girl” or “Mary” one is stereotyping. You’re assuming that because he’s gay that he must tend to the more “female” end of the spectrum. I know a ton of gay guys who are masculine and take pride in their masculinity. There’s nothing wrong with being more effeminate, but assuming that all other gays are is the problem. Because aren’t stereotyping and wrongful assumptions what we face from those discriminating against us?
This practice is not only rude, but hypocritical and a sign that many guys need to step outside of their narrow-minded bubble. I completely agree with you Zack, thanks for the great piece. High five!
OH MY GOD TNG MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP EVERY DAY. Lighten up, MARY. Love, Dyke-a-tron.
I’ve been mistaken for a boy, and it doesn’t bother me. Does anyone mind being called dude?
The only people that have called me “he” when they know I’m female have been straight guys and they meant it in a disparaging way.
Zack, are you really called “Mary” or “gurl” that often? Even I have cut back on the use of the word “gurl.” I don’t think I’ve been called “Mary” in over a year or more. I think we can all be assured that that element of leftover 70s camp is on the endangered phrases list.
for a while, i would use “you gals/girls” instead of “you guys” to address mixed groups (esp when straight men were included). in my experience, straight dudes would get pissed and remind me of their masculine gender in ways i’d rather forget. but hey, gotta get your kicks however you can!
nowadays, i generally use gender neutral pronouns such as “you peeps.”
I always thought that the term “Mary” was used as shorthand blasphemy e.g. “Mary (Holy Virgin and Mother of Christ), your index finger is in my fucking appendix!” Thanks for clearing this up. It could have landed me in trouble down the road.
you made me laugh so hard by mentioning 227…
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