Commentary: On Being Straight Edge and Queer
I am straight edge. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t take drugs. Sometimes I get hassled by my peers about it. Some people take it as a personal offense that I don’t drink when I am out at a bar. What they are forgetting is that it’s a personal choice. Sometimes, it feels like being straight edge is anti-queer because most of the queer scene is focused around bars.
It seems like the heart of the queer scene is based around drinking, with gay bars being the place to socialize. There are very few queer events where alcohol isn’t present. Several times I’ve been in line at the bar and some girl tries to strike up a conversation by asking what I am drinking. Sometimes I answer soda or other times water. It always earns me a disapproving look and it’s a conversation killer. If that doesn’t happen, I then get a mini-inquisition as to why I don’t drink. I just don’t like to. I have no history of substance abuse and no interest in it. I think it’s a waste of time and money. I don’t need a drug to be my true self.
I’ve know of queers who need substances to be themselves. Queers who don’t feel comfortable being queer without something to inhibit their inhabitations. Yet, somehow, that behavior is more readily accepted than sobriety. I think the queer community standards need to be revised.
I don’t find anything wrong with having a drink or two. Moderation is okay. I dislike being around drunks though. Nothing is a bigger turn off to me than drunken girls trying to get a one night stand. They objectify me and are only after carnal knowledge. I don’t do anything with drunk girls because drunken consent isn’t real consent.
People like a lack of personal responsibility and when they are on substances they use it as an excuse to behave in matters that would be otherwise unacceptable. I have too much self respect to ever indulge in anything that would make my behavior less than considerate. I think if we valued kindness and compassion over neglect and self-destructive behavior the queer community could be a warm, nurturing place.
It’s not easy to be queer in this world,  especially when our own community can be so judgmental. We should work together to break down barriers, whether personal or communal,  instead of building walls. The queer community should be more embracing and accepting of differences instead of trying to make everyone a cookie cutter of each other.
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‘…drunken consent isn’t real consent.’
I love that! I agree completely.
I am also straight edge (but that is more because of my illness than anything else), and I get hassled a lot about not drinking. It is extremely annoying.
Kinda weird to write a whole piece judging the community only to end on complaining about it being judgmental.
In my 16 years of being out I’ve hung out at plenty queer coffeehouses, bookstores, concerts and events that were non-alcoholic. I’ve never enjoyed clubs and bars so I don’t go to them very often.
If you go to a bar you should expect there will be people drinking. If you don’t like being around drunk people, then don’t go to bars and stop judging those that do. And I guess you could also stop being so insecure about being judged.
Or maybe this piece was supposed to be satire. I couldn’t tell.
It is obvious being judgmental doesn’t require alcohol or drugs; Jess Five thanks for the example. Alcohol, pot, or whatever a person chooses to or not to partake of are our personal choices. I am sorry that people are assholes to you because you choose to not partake.
However, your assumptions about LGBT events, culture and individuals are shoddy, particularly the statement about being oneself. I like to use alcohol to relax after a long day. I know people who use it to overcome social anxiety unrelated to their queer identity. I know plenty of people who get drunk at bars and choose not to hook up, and I know plenty of sober people who still engage in stupid behavior. While some use substances to numb themselves, many do not.
I agree that queers often shield themselves from being rejected further, but the correlation with alcohol consumption does not equal causation. There are other, more insidious issues at hand play that are often deeply personal. Chastising destructive behavior might not be the best way to create change within our community. It sure pissed me off.
yeah, this sounds like pretty much every conversation i’ve ever had with a straight-edger. if you don’t want to drink then don’t. if you have some good reason not to drink, then don’t. but if you can’t go to bar and stay sober without commenting on other people’s inebriation, then please just don’t go to the bar. building an entire identity around not drinking is as least as lame as building an identity based on getting wasted.
A list:
1) For the most part, my girlfriend doesn’t drink. When we go out, she generally isn’t drinking. I’ve never seen anyone bother her, or hassle her, because she isn’t drinking. Not only do most people not even notice, if they ask her, I’ve never seen anyone care.
2) As a girl who has had her fair share of drunken hook-ups, let me say this: the majority of the time, I wasn’t just looking for a one-night stand or “carnal knowledge.” I was generally hooking up with someone I had a crush on, and whether I wanted a relationship or just a hook-up buddy, but with maybe two exceptions, I wasn’t look for just a one-night stand.
I agree that if you don’t want to be around people drinking then don’t go to their watering holes. Judging them is some what like a dry drunk acting out in reverse while looking forward, ya just keep getting further away from convincing anyone. From my observations there are different stages of inebriation from just feeling warm to — is this place spinning out of control? — The latter is a very small percentage. Most folks are out to meet, dance and distract themselves perhaps from boring dykes with too much kindness and compassion. They certainly are not there to contemplate anything deeper than their index fingers stirring their drinks. But geez it is a great place for girls who want to have fun. To each her own.
“People like a lack of personal responsibility and when they are on substances they use it as an excuse to behave in matters that would be otherwise unacceptable.”
This statement is a bit unfair. I’ve been around people who act like assholes and then blame the drink. I’ve never once done this, nor do I plan to. I don’t drink to lose control, I rarely have more than one drink and almost never have more than two. The worst thing I’ve ever done after a drink is laugh a little harder for a little longer than normal.
“building an entire identity around not drinking is as least as lame as building an identity based on getting wasted.”
Adam’s comment is wonderful.
All that being said, if I walked up to you in a bar and you told me you were drinking water or soda, I’d order another round without a second thought.
A few years ago, I was in this same situation. I got really tired of seeing the drama and the “meat market” mentality at bars.
So I did what the other people here said: I stopped hanging out at bars (with a few exceptions). I’ve found much better places to spend time. It’s good to be out of that scene.
There are some queer events that don’t involve drinking (or at least, not much of it). I’d like to see people start more of them. It’s a lot easier to get to know people outside of bars, anyway.
If I were you, Jess, I’d think about joining some kind of activist group.
kinda late, just found this article. I’m straight edge too, and the queer community in my small college town is both ridiculously small and ridiculously wasted. They think it’s cool at first to see me out skateboarding and having fun naturally, but then when we try to date, it becomes annoying to them. Any attempt at dating just fails. I wish I could find a single straight edge queer girl :(
You say: “People like a lack of personal responsibility and when they are on substances they use it as an excuse to behave in matters that would be otherwise unacceptable. I have too much self respect to ever indulge in anything that would make my behavior less than considerate. I think if we valued kindness and compassion over neglect and self-destructive behavior the queer community could be a warm, nurturing place.”
I am sorry that your experiences in the queer world (and the world in general) have caused you to develop this sort of attitude. Not ALL people enjoy a “lack of personal responsibility” when they are using substances nor do ALL people “behave in manners that would be otherwise unacceptable.”
By the time I was 19 I had found places to meet and hang out with (queerS)friends that did not involve alcohol – and I am a person who enjoys drinking. I chose to get out of the “queer bar scene” you seem to be describing. I drink with my gay and straight friends. I don’t drink to kill the pain of being queer or otherwise. I drink for the same reason I eat chocolate or go running – I like the way it makes me feel. I have also never had a hook-up that was alcohol fueled.
You seem to think yourself to be so so extremely unique in your position, but in the adult world there are often individuals at a party or a bar that are not drinking – these people have homework to do, plan to work out in the morning, are driving that night or have kids or a spouse to return to. Choosing not to drink is a respected decision, and most individuals wouldn’t consider themselves to have no “self respect” by partaking in alcohol or drug use. Judgment certainly goes both ways.
I think it’s weird that all these gays are ignoring the fact that queer culture is by and large club culture and that that’s a problem. There are historical reasons for it, but it is a fact and its veracity has little to do with “being judgmental” about “individual” choices.
It doesn’t even have to be about judging substance abuse. When you come from a history that is built in and around controlled substances and self-perpetuating environments concerning those substances, there are going to be issues of substance abuse, regardless of the causes for them. (you don’t have to be “covering up” or coping with your gayness in order to use “because” you’re gay — it’s called peer pressure or cultural normativity- fitting in. I’d assume that many are even more vulnerable to it when their options for peer relationships are few and they have only one group to count on.) The issue does need to be addressed, mainly through *expanding* the culture, which is something still pretty new to most (non-heteronormative) gays, especially in smaller communities.
I go into *straight* bars to hang out and am still pressured to drink. And-once at a queer event-did someone try to charge me for soda water from the tap.
Most of the time I drink just to avoid dealing with it, even when I don’t really have the money.
Large parts of the queer community — professional organizations, activist groups, service organizations, churches — are most certainly not organized around drinking. In fact, for the longest time after coming out, I thought that the queer community was mostly a bunch of self-righteous P.C. puritans.
I completely agree with Jess here. Even though a few of the comments she made are inflammatory, it doesn’t make them any less true. I am not implying that all people who drink lack personalities or that all gays are substance abusers, but there is absolutely a culture for it. As a pretty straight edge type gay male in his 20s in NYC I find myself feeling isolated. I don’t enjoy bars or clubs and so I don’t go. I don’t drink (slightly allergic), I’ve never smoked anything or taken an illegal drug in my life and have no interest in doing so. The latter 2 are things that I have no interest in having in my life by association either. Finding a guy who is in my age range, who doesn’t smoke, do drugs and whose main form of entertainment isn’t hanging out at bars and clubs in next to impossible. I have been single for 2 and a half years now for expressly this reason. The club culture permeates the NYC gay population. I get dirty looks, insults and harassment for not wanting to participate. I don’t have the same trouble with my heterosexual friends. I have never encountered so many people who smoke or do drugs “socially”- especially once they are in their late 20s. It seems that risk taking and experimentation is encouraged as a part of gay culture in a way that it is not in the straight world. I have so many interests that don’t seem to matter because everyone is out at the bar. I’m constantly asked to change my behavior. I’m tired of little jabs about how I should really try taking up drinking or pot smoking to relax. I’d rather go for a run, or yoga, or travel, or read, go to the movies, cook, travel, ski, hike… just about anything. To BOTH sides here- any kind of defensive judgement is based in the guilt you feel about your own behavior. It is obvious that Jess (and myself) feel guilty that our behavior is aberrant and that those who were so offended by what I would consider to be a very mild judgement may not want to face that their own behavior may be out of control. Just a thought!
i live in new york and i haven’t been able to find someone who doesn’t clamor for alcohol, cigarettes or drugs in the 12 years of my adulthood. its very alienating and somewhat depressing, as i’ve lingered in coffee houses, rallies, concerts, and an assortment of non-bar/club related things…
i have made 2 friends who are the exception to this, but nothing beyond that.
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