Not Your Average Prom Queen: It’s Not LGB(she’s probably just a slut)T.
We hear the words “I knew I was gay since…” fall often from the mouths of friends and lovers – sometimes from our own reflective lips—and we never even think to question the authenticity of such statements: “I was five;”  It was the 7th grade;” “The end of high school.” Sometimes these words are spoken in retrospect as we remember the way we couldn’t keep our eyes off Molly Ringwald or the way our hearts hurt when the captain of the football team made fun of our stonewashed Levi’s, but sometimes these reflections aren’t about hindsight. Sometimes they demonstrate 110 percent clear, confident knowledge of a lifetime of same sex sexual attraction. You remember wanting to kiss your science lab partner on the mouth, you fantasized about locker room hand-jobs.
Photo: Lindsay Marshall
In either case (uncertain longing for a friend, or a clear cut hotness for a person of the same sex) most of the time there was no hook-up. Maybe by the time high school rolled around, probably more like freshman year of college, but the lack of actual fooling around never negates your gayness. We don’t need to answer the awkward parental coming-out question, “But, how do you know?” because most of the time, you just do. You are.
Unfortunately, this trust in the inherent nature of sexuality isn’t really shared with folks who identify as bisexual.
When a girl who has a boyfriend, or who typically dates men, says she’s Bi, it is assumed, with rolled eyes, that what she means is that she sometimes makes out with her roommate at parties after a few too many margaritas. She doesn’t often get credit for having a genuine and honest understanding and presentation of her sexual identity. She either wants attention or she’s a slut.
In that same breath, “straight men,” or men who live a heterosexual lifestyle, who identify as bisexual are framed as gay and just not ready to admit it.
“Lesbians,” or women who consistently share same sex relationships, who dare to call themselves bisexual, are dubbed “Afraid To Commit” at best and “Traitors” at worst.
One’s sexuality or sexual identity does not always correlate with who you have sex with. Because a man is in a 20-year relationship with another man does not mean he cannot be physically attracted to women.
We are bothered when outsiders define what “gay” is, when we are limited, when we are asked to comply with stereotypes. We emphasize inclusiveness, but we still manage to isolate bisexual people as fakers, attention whores or just plain whores. As if the duality of their identity means we might share the password to our special club, but not the secret handshake. If we rarely (if ever) question a person’s identity as gay, why would we question a person’s identity as bisexual, whether that means having sexual relationships with people of different sexes, or simply feeling in one’s heart or mind an attraction or interest regardless of action.
There is a “B” in LGBT, and I think its about time we get fair about acknowledging that bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation and not just a phase (or just plain slutiness).
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A-to the mothafuckin’-MEN!
I spent the first 3 years of my sexual life having sex with men, the 5 years following having sex with women and now I am in a very happy heterosexual relationship with a man who knows that my love of vagina is equal to my love for his genitalia. This article means a lot to me and while I can safely say that I am the original intended definition of… See More bisexual I honestly believe I segregated myself into hetero/homo lifestyles for extended periods because the thought of telling someone I was bisexual was too upsetting, the stigma placed on the name was too big a hurdle for me to leap. I too had given in to the stereotyping of this sexual identity. But now I’m finally letting myself just be and you are one of the amazing people that makes it so much easier on me.
This is what I get for ripping this comment from my FB onto here. “…See More” clearly does not belong in the middle of that run on sentence rant :)
I’ve identified as bi for around 10 years now, and still, my straight friends occasionally ask me when I’m going to settle down with a guy. And I’ve had several girlfriends unhappy with my bisexuality. One even said she thinks ‘bisexuals are just greedy.”
Thanks for this article, I wish more people understood this.
On dating sites it isn’t all that uncommon to read “No bisexuals” or “I don’t date bisexuals” on people’s profiles. Apparently there is still the misconception that bisexuals are all sex addicts who will leave you at the drop of a hat for someone of the other sex or constantly be checking out everyone who passes by.
So basically, it is LGB(she’s probably just a slut)T(Eww…Why are they even here?). Hence, the B and the T tend to stick together many times.
Question for Raechele: why is you friend’s question about you settling down with a guy so offensive to you? Isn’t is possible that, if you choose to settle down, it might be with a guy? Is it the “guy” part or the “settle down” part you’re annoyed by?
Oh, that’d be totally fine. I just don’t like the assumption that is an inevitability…that if I’m in a relationship with a female it isn’t valid.
I just want to say Thank You… Thank you oh so very much.
Love love love this, you are right on so many levels. We don’t want to be put in the proverbial “box” and we have to stop doing it to others. Enough with the labeling. Let’s stop putting people down and start raising each other up.
Im with t…why people find the need to put others down is beyond me…
Thank you for this! Excellent point made about how we trust someone who “always knew” they were gay but not someone who “always knew” they liked guys and girls.
Whenever I read something like this article, I’m immediately grateful for something positive written about bisexuals. The problem is that we’re only preaching to the choir. In my experience, lesbians accept that some women are bisexual (and are often attracted to us both sexually and emotionally), but the main barrier between us is trust. One lesbian I dated would often spout off about the 2 lesbians she knew that got cheated on by their bi gfs. I was like, what about all the lesbians who cheat on other lesbians??!! I don’t know what it will take to create more trust between us, but we definitely have a long way to go.
someone referred to me as bisexual recently, which caused on my end an immediate and negative, visceral response. for me, this term is incredibly constraining, not to mention imposed by a society composed largely of folks who can’t seem to wrap their heads around the possibility that neither sex nor gender is binary. furthermore, it reduces me to what i do between the sheets and fails to acknowledge my life and love outside the bedroom. to those who have found truth and identity in this term, right on: i mean not to offend. in my search for freedom from labels, i happened upon one i feel comfortable and empowered using in response to questions about who and how i love–queer. i’d ask the author to include the Q in future acronymic references to this community, as this is also a real identity.
@j
While I agree with you, both in queer identity and in distaste for the etymological implications of “bisexual”, but I think the de-demonisation of “bisexual” is a necessary stepping stone to a broader acceptance of “queer”. In my experience, if I say “queer” I am usually assumed to be gay, and if I attempt to clarify I get “Oh, so you’re bi?”. And I think negotiating our own issues with the word is part of it – “Being called “bi” makes me want to puke. Oh, but not that there’s anything wrong with bisexuals!” is a tough sell.
I’m glad someone who’s not bi realizes that we’re not all sluts. I’m a bi female and 80% of the time i tell someone they’re like ‘have you been with a chick’ ‘no’ ‘then how do you know?’ and it makes me want to yank out my hair. I’ve had straight virgins ask me this and its like ‘well, how do you know you’re straight when you haven’t had any?’. for them, they can just say ‘well, i know’, but it seems like since i’m bi, that answer wouldn’t be legitimate. And it sucks. Hard.
HEAR HEAR!
I identify as a bi woman because although most of my attractions, crushes, and experiences have been with men, I’ve known, since maybe my early teens, that I had some attraction to women, as well.
And the most loving, committed, long term (9+ years) relationship of my life just happens to be with a woman.
But I don’t identify as a lesbian. It just doesn’t match my self image at all, or line up with my attractions.
I’ve definitely felt the phobia of the belief that “bi people can’t commit” or “bi women will run off with a man”.
I’ve never cheated on anyone.
Most of my friends are bi. If you are spending a lot of time with lesbians who don’t have bisexual friends, then the “secret handshake” is what you’ll see…. because the lesbians who are open-minded may not be hanging out there. ;)
I’ve found that meeting women *outside* LGBT settings worked much better for me – both for friendship and dating. The people who are more open-minded tend to have more outside interests. Those people are also more bi-friendly.
You could also date other women who are bi. But, if you meet people in other places, you could meet lesbians there too.
My girlfriend came out as lesbian for me. In a sense, I came out as lesbian for her too. Because until we began our relationship, I had sort of halfheartedly identified as bisexual. Although I wasn’t actually doing anything with anyone before her. When I told this to her, though, she reacted very negatively to my being bi, worried that someday I might leave her for a man.
I reassured her over and over that I would never do such a thing. But my sort-of-bi-identity was the sticking point. When I renounced it and switched my identity to 100% lesbian, she was reassured and stopped making an issue of it. Since then, I have felt perfectly comfortable identifying as just lesbian, and don’t feel I’m missing out on anything thereby.
It’s actually been a relief for me to leave the wavering over am-I-bi-or-lesbian and just settle into something definite. My relationship with her has sharpened the focus.
Which is not to excuse biphobia. I continue to defend equal rights and respect for bi people along with L, G, and T. But when it came down to the hearts of us two specific women, it wasn’t about broader social issues. It was about our relationship, and the reassurance each partner wants from the other that she is truly committed to her and her alone. I know she isn’t against bi people in general, she just didn’t want her girlfriend wandering. I really can’t blame her for that, and I’m as comfortable in monogamy as she is. So it’s working out well.
@ la sospetta
ugh. i’m a bisexual girl dating a guy right now and he is really not ok with me being bi. he definitely defends it as he’s “not against bi people in general, [he] just doesn’t want [his] girlfriend wandering” but to me, that IS being prejudiced against bi people because it assumes if i’m straight, i won’t cheat (even though there are tons of other guys in the world, and if i was going to cheat, i could certainly do so even if i didn’t like girls), but since i’m bi, i’m sex-crazed and can’t control my impulses and want to have sex with every person who walks by, etc etc etc. which is EXACTLY what people think who are bi-phobic. so yeah. i wish i could make the issue go away by saying “oh never mind i’m straight.” and doing that wouldn’t affect my life, since right now i only want to be with my boyfriend for the foreseeable future. but i can’t just say i’m straight, because i am not straight. i am bi.
(of course, your case was different than mine, because you were unsure before, and feel comfortable with your identity now.)
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