I’m a bisexual Angeleno and in a city of 3.8 million people you’d think it be easy to find a date, I’m convinced that only makes it harder! These are my stories from dating in Los Angeles.

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The dictionary’s definition of bisexuality reads: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of either sex.

I’ve never wanted to check the box next to bisexual, but I do NOT fit neatly into the other boxes either.   My philosophy is: why should I have to chose a man or a woman when overall, there are so many people that just aren’t right for me. I decided to try my luck on Match.com in late November of last year, and because this dating website doesn’t allow you to say that you are interested in both men and women at the same time, I decided to switch my profile back and forth every 2-3 weeks.

When I first started my online dating adventure, my profile stated  “interested in women.”  I emailed a few back and forth, but there was one that really stuck out, and I actually met up with her.  After rapidly consuming my fair share of cocktails, and confessing that my status wasn’t quite as ‘ladies only’ as she had maybe hoped, we shared a first kiss and a second kiss on the rooftop of Fiesta Cantina in West Hollywood. This was nice.  I liked her.  She liked me.  Well, she liked me enough to ignore the fact that I also like men, at first.  Eventually, it became quite an issue for her.

The fact is monogamy was never discussed and me dating other people from Match was on the table from the start.   When she asked if that meant guys, I answered, “ yes.”  She tried to hide from me a twinge of pain as I said that.  But, as we all know, the truth comes out when one is intoxicated and what better than a birthday celebration to become really intoxicated?  I was at her birthday with her, I’ll admit, buying her drinks to get her really drunk. Now I’m not the biggest fan of PDA, but I’ll do it if I have to, or if I’m horny.  So, after I got her a slice of birthday cake with a lit candle, we shared a kiss.  Things seemed to be going well, then she turned to me and said, “You kiss like a straight girl.”

This didn’t offend me.  But, I didn’t really know how to take it because she couldn’t give me a coherent answer as to what she really meant.   Who knows? maybe my technique of kissing is more suited to guys.  But, from kissing other girls, I’ve never had any complaints.  What I think she really wanted to say was “I’m too insecure to be with you because I think you will leave me for a guy.”  I’m not here to judge what the real issue is, but needless to say I left the bar that night alone.

As is predictably stereotypical, most of the ‘dude dates’ I’ve set up on Match have been less than exuberant.  Most of the first dates might as well have ended in, “thanks, have a nice life,” and a conventional handshake. There was one dreamy 5’8” Russian lawyer who really was, I thought, the ‘cat’s pajamas.’  We had a great time on our first date, and had plenty to talk about.  We had both driven to a lovely venue in Hollywood and towards the end of the night he offered to take me back to his place or join me at mine!  Obviously, he thought he could get some booty on the first date.  I told him I’d rather just call it “a night” and hang out later that weekend.   We did, it was a nice dinner, and he again offered to have me over for a movie, this time I accepted.

I assumed since he was a lawyer, dressed extremely well, and had a flashy car, that his apartment would be covetable.  But, we all know what happens when we assume… don’t we?  Arriving in Koreatown, we pulled into his parking garage, so far so good.  As he takes me up the stairs to the interior of the building, I’m thinking this is nothing special, but I’m still optimistic.  As we enter the hallway, I hear other tenants yelling through the walls.  We get to his door, he opens it, and turns on the lights to his studio apartment, that has wall to wall carpeting, extending into the kitchen.  Then, like a flash, my eyes focus on a large roach that darts under the microwave.   My instinct now is to slowly tiptoe backwards without being noticed.  But, I give him the benefit of the doubt and ask, “hmm, was that a bug?”  He admits that yes it was, but that he’s really clean, just the building is INFESTED!  Sure enough, as I turned the corner I saw another one scurry into a cabinet.  Okay, so I really wanted to leave, but I didn’t; I stayed, watched a movie, and as the credits rolled he tried to entice me with the satin sheets on his bed.   Any straight guys out there reading this, know this, bugs I can deal with, but satin sheets, are you kidding me?  Plus, he kissed me like he was bouncing a tiny ball on his tongue, up and down, very quickly.  GAG!  I felt like it was time for me to really leave, so I whispered, “I should go.” His response, “we can kiss a little.” VOMIT! “I should really go, thanks for a lovely evening.”  We never spoke again.

To sum this up: dudes are gross, and girls are emotional train wrecks.  But, I’m going to keep at it, if only to serve some comedic life’s purpose.

So if you are still interested, whether you are a guy or a girl, you can find me on Match.

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Next time I’ll talk about dates with the “summer camp” girl, and the “Avatar” boy.