Oh, safe words.

Safe words tend to be extremely awkward and of questionable association. Colors are a popular choice.  “Red” is a common one.  So is “green”.  If, for example, a person is being heavily flogged, liked it for the first few moments, and now it’s becoming too much they can say: “Red, red, red!” and the Master or Mistress knows that that’s their que to lighten up the punishment or stop the scene alltogether.  Safe words are always a smart choice, obviously.

Now you may be thinking: “Well … if a scene is becoming too heavy, can’t you just say ‘Stop’?”

The logic is that some people say “Stop!” as part of their roleplay of submission (as in “Oh, please stop punishing me, Master, I’ll be a good boy” wink, wink) so, therefore, “Stop!” can’t be taken seriously. Personally, I disagree.

Dear readers: Do as I say, not as I do.

Since this is my personal column rather than a tutorial or an instruction booklet, like when you buy a new stereo system, I am entitled to give my own opinion on what can be some of the more precious, holier-than-thou aspects of the BDSM culture.

If a Top can’t tell the tonal difference between “Stop, stop, please, I’m such a naughty boy…” and “Stop, you’re fucking hurting me!” than are you sure that this person should be doing this?

Nuance, tone, and context are VERY important in BDSM and life in general.  If you can’t grasp them, then get sharper before walking outside or into the dungeon.  Every day I feel humbled by the lack of understanding people have when it comes to nuance, tone, context, sarcasm, etc.  I don’t take communication for granted any more.

I would rather a slave say “Master, ouch, that hurts” rather than bellowing out “Platypus! Platypus!” like some kind of crazed Sesame Street guest.

Body language tells you everything.  Is your slave shaking slightly?  That means either they’re scared or you need to crank up the heat in the dungeon but, probably, they’re nervous or anxious.

Is your slave’s body tense?  Then go slow on them so that they can ease into comfort with the scene.

Safety trumps fun, no doubt about it.  Use safe words.