The Adventures of the Boi Wonder: The Dread of the Roster Roll-Call
Photo by Hans Bruesch
“Tonight I’m just too tired to pray
Last night I swore I’d pray today
Tomorrow I know what I’ll say
There’s just no time to find the way
The hourglass is spilling sand
I wish that you could understand
I share that wish
You really do?
A love like this will bleed the truth”
–”I’m Sure Of It” by Blanche
As many of you know or probably just naturally guessed, I have just started my second semester of college. Now, I could very well just rant about the annoyances of college bureaucracy, For instance, two of my classes getting canceled right out from under me, wondering how many classes are going to transfer…Fun stuff like that. But I am going to talk about something that tends to fly very under the radar on the list of school irritants.
I’m sure quite a few of you have had to deal with teachers butchering the pronunciation of your name, being called the wrong name entirely, or professors just not being able to remember your name at all without the help of the roster. The first class you either have your name totally butchered unless it something as easy “John Smith” or have the entire class learn that your real first name is not “Paul” but “Penisface.” Usually, after this the professor will ask if you have a nickname or go by something else.
My name, as it appears in the school registry and therefore on all of my professors’ rosters, is my female birth name, which is then read out for the whole class to hear, by default answering the question to the class of what my “actual” sex is (despite my purposely androgynous appearance). At this point I have two options:
- A: Correct the professor and ask that I be called “Levi,” therefore confusing my professor and classmates, and setting myself up to be questioned, possibly ridiculed. To say nothing of the idea of asking them to use male pronouns…That just might push things over the edge.
- B: Don’t correct the professor and have to deal with the false assumptions about my identity. I am able to fly under the view of unwanted attention.
I, of course, chickened out every single class and did not say anything, which is the same thing I did the previous semester. I’m not exactly proud of this fact; there are people around the world who stand courageously for who they are and suffer the abuses and chance of injury and/or death.
To be honest, I’m scared. I currently go to the community college in my area (yeah yeah, not exactly Princeton but it is affordable and ranked highly) and not only do I still live in my hometown, but regularly see on campus people I went to high school and Catholic primary school with (including some of the people who only a year ago would taunt, tease, and threaten me). Information travels quickly, especially in a tight-knit area. I’d rather get through this period with as little difficulty as possible…Does this make me a bad trans and queer person for remaining mostly closeted?
Will it be different when I eventually transfer out in another year and get away from my past? The semester is still early and I’m still pretty anonymous within the class. Should I email my professors and tell them about my true identity? Anyone with experience in this is welcome to comment or email me.
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i can’t even begin to fully understand your personal struggles as mine were nowhere near as complicated. I can only say that at some point you decide how much of your reality everyone around you needs to be included in. You also decide your own level of exposure/disclosure as you become comfortable with it. I imagine in your case you will always have to explain things to people and at some point this will be common place and you won’t think twice about it. Be brave and go at your own pace! Don’t make yourself vulnerable if you don’t feel it’s necessary and surround yourself with close friends who have your back and support you fully!
I’m a community college instructor myself, and I recommend that you email your instructors prior to the first day of classes if you’d like to be called something other than what is on the roster. You can disclose as much or as little as you like in the email, but this allows you to avoid a possibly awkward face-to-face encounter. Just something as simple as “Hi. My name is (name), but I prefer to be called Levi. If it’s not too much trouble, could you make a note of this on your roster so that my privacy can be maintained?” Mentioning your privacy should be helpful, as we are bound by FERPA law. Nothing that you don’t want disclosed should be disclosed in class, including your gender identity. Best of luck!
Hi Levi, thanks for posting this blog. I’m in a similar boat so it was good just to hear that there is someone else out there who understands.
urrrrr..
dude, trust me. I’m in the exact same boat as you on that one. I suppose the only difference is that despite being in a big university, it’s kinda hard to miss me. A lot of people know me since I dress crazy and usually have weird shades of hair color, and it’s a little more difficult to pass off as male when people know me in class by my female birth name.
i chickened out too when my teacher called out my name, and the most i could say was to call me by my last name instead. /facedesk./ there’s only a small number of people who know/have known since i was younger, but there’s a lot of people in my past who go to my school, whose words will spread like wildfire [and already somewhat has] if i try to do much else in means of transitioning from female.
it’s something i’m taking slowly, and the more i progress through college and the more i try to gain confidence in what i’m trying to accomplish, it’s getting a little easier to talk out and say certain things, like my name being corrected, or correcting pronouns.
all i can really suggest is go gradually with it; don’t try to push yourself too hard into correcting others if you’re really not feeling it, and don’t be afraid to give the teacher a nickname for yourself. they should be understanding enough.
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