This post was submitted by Zack Rosen

Cliche though it may be, I would never think of trading my membership in one of DC’s gayest gyms for someplace with a straighter clientele. Yeah, the eye candy blah blah blah, but mostly it’s a chance to meet people that doesn’t include alcohol or the threat of jeans with embroidered back pockets. (Though my gym does soundtrack itself like a discotheque, something I try to stay zen about.)

I made the depressing realization yesterday that I’ve been going to my gym for three years now, which means I’ve been in DC for over three years, which means my chances of ever living on the West Coast are growing slimmer and slimmer. However, it also means I have had that much time to apply my powers of observation/asshole-ishness to the denizens of that gym, and I’ve started to notice that there are a number of distinct types of people that float in and out of its exposed-brick walls. So below is my by no-means-comprehensive, please-don’t-call-me-an-asshole-its-only-a-joke guide to them.

(If you like this one, be sure to tune in next week for my follow up on “guys you meet in a locker room.”)

1. The “Really Shouldn’t Be Wearing Bike Shorts” Guy

Like someone who has feverish, animalistic sex and then keeps the condom on for the bus ride home, this guy doesn’t realize that certain apparel has a very specific context. He is usually just trying to squeeze in a couple reps after a cycling class, but in certain cases just substitutes bike shorts for their looser, more appropriate counterpart without realizing how horrifying pinched genitalia and lycra-wrapped ass cheeks look while doing jumping jacks.  Like Medusa, fellow exercisers will turn to stone if they look directly at his crotch. It is a little known fact that “really shouldn’t be wearing biker shorts guy” is quickly overtaking “inadequate stretching” as the number one cause of weight room injuries.

2. The “I’ll Have What He’s Having” Guy

Whether dead-lifting a 200 pound barbell or bending over to tie his shoe, this guy screams with the intensity and volume of Alice Glass having her first clitoral orgasm . No matter where you are in the gym you can hear the “Uh uh uh uh” of his rapid fire pull-ups, the ‘ooooohhhhhh” of a particularly tough bench press, the “Yeah! Fucking do it, yeah!” as he guides a buddy through a quick set of squats. Oddly enough, this guy tends to be quieter than a mouse in the bedroom. Go figure.

3. The “Unwanted Help” guy.

Like Sam I Am, appearing out of the ether to tout the virtues of his jade repast, this guy is determined to make sure that every inch of your body is in proper alignment as you lunge, do pushups or refresh yourself at the drinking fountain. You are perfectly peaceful, enjoying the endorphin rush and peace of mind that accompanies a good work out, when BAM! He’s right there, letting you know that you’d be better off if you’re elbow was only slightly grazing your rib cage and you really shouldn’t be lifting so much because you’ll throw your back out that way. This guy has a way of sneaking up when you least expect him, and you half expect him to pop up in your bedroom that night and give you the proper ball-jiggling technique for when you jerk off.

4. The “Disconcertingly Skinny, Yet Always on the Treadmill” guy

A legitimate candidate for professional help, this guy is skinner than the big book of Jewish athletes and never more than three feet away from a treadmill. One of the grimmer reminders of the way that gay men are conditioned to care too much about their bodies, he draws glances of horror and sympathy from passers-by and probably has no idea that his efforts are so counterproductive.

5. The “Plays By His Own Rules” Yoga Guy

A bizarre combo of Om Shanti and S.E. Hinton, this guy likes the group dynamic of a yoga class but will not be told what to do by its instructor. He runs in ten minutes late with his own mat, does headstands while everyone else Down Dogs and draws no distinction between warrior one and warrior two. He begins his shavasanah when class is half over, wakes up whenever he damn pleases and eats a tuna sandwich in class if he gets hungry

He, however, is not to be confused with “Showtime at the Apollo” Yoga Guy whose steady stream of one-liners is distracting to students and teacher alike, or “Bean Burrito” Yoga Guy who farts whenever he changes position and prays vainly that no one noticed.

6. The “Clearly Not There to Exercise” Guy

This guy shows up to the gym in a button up and cargo shorts, spends an hour reading The Post and chatting with friends, and leaves with nary a hair on his head out of place. He most likely began as the all-too-common “New Years Resolution” Guy who thinks that merely showing up at a place with an elliptical machine will satisfy his doctor’s order to get in shape.

7. The “Poorly-Closeted Visiting Celebrity” guy:

It’s suspicious that, of all the gyms in Washington, he had to show up in this one. Considering that blind Midwestern housewives know you ain’t straight, it quite hilarious to see you, biceps bulging and silver hair gleaming, among all the other Dupont homos looking to get buff.

8. The “Long-Suffering Straight Guy.” Guy.

This guy lives in the neighborhood with his girlfriend and really had no idea what he was getting into. He just saw this gym by his house and it looked nice and the rates were reasonable so he joined. That’s what people do, right? But he didn’t know that gay men were like cats, and if you plop one hetero in a room of 400 homos they will all somehow sniff out the guy that doesn’t want their attention and spend the afternoon winding around his legs or running their tails under his nose.

This guy probably won’t leave the gym, but you will see him become a skeleton of his formerly outgoing self. Tired of being asked out or ogled in the shower, he’ll wear increasingly baggy clothes and timidly do curls in the corner of the room, his gaunt, gray face registering fear ever ytime he hears footsteps at his back.

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