The New Gay » Your Brother Might Be a DB

Not Your Average Prom Queen: Your Brother Might Be a DB

3 December 2009, 12:00 pm 7 Comments

This post was submitted by Jean

There was a period of time in my early womanhood when I did not identify with the term “feminist.” I agreed with feminism – the equal treatment of women – but in primarily considered myself a “humanist”, more concerned with equality for all than for a specially chosen group. Part of my separation of these two terms revolved around my desire to not see myself (or any woman) as a victim, to not whine and complain about not getting a fair shake at life just because of what I have (or don’t have) between my legs. The other reason I rejected the label was because of the bad connotation associated with the word. I remember when Rush Limbaugh plagued the world with the inappropriate and slanderous term “feminazi” in the early 90’s. He didn’t make up the word – but his use of it on his radio show brought it into our kitchens. I was not prepared to be called that word, in any context.

Your brother might be a Douchebag

By the time I was 22, my decision to stay out of the realm of feminism had been fueled by a few years of being involved in same-sex relationships and the whirlwind of accusations and assumptions that accompanied them. Some of the more benign of these comments included offhanded references to veganism, cats, or whatever sexual objects I (must!!) use in the bedroom in order to simulate heterosexual intercourse. The ones that really bothered me were the comments that accused me outright of hating men. Of being a “man hating lesbian.” The logic here is clearly flawed – the assertion that by engaging in a relationship with a member of a certain sex automatically implies that the other sex is a natural enemy implies that heterosexual men hate other men, and that heterosexual women hate other women.

The feminist movement and I have come a long way since those days and now I readily and vehemently identify with the feminist movement. The change has come not only through my own understanding of the facts surrounding the fight of women for equality, but also from a progression in society’s acceptance of feminism as a legitimate and well-founded movement. Not all of society agrees with this, of course, but I will say that I haven’t been told I “wish I had a dick” or been called a man-hater in quite some time.

That is, until last week.

In my transition between living in DC, Austin and Chicago, I have been camping out at my mother’s house. My brother, a person with whom I do not get along, also resides there. The reasons for the estrangement of myself and my brother are countless, but, in summation , revolve around our opposite-sides-of-the-spectrum beliefs about equality, humanitarianism, and the appropriateness of casual use of the “N-word.”

The other night, over the Thanksgiving holiday, I was in my childhood room, in my childhood bed, catching up on email on my laptop, when I heard him come in through the front door downstairs. His voice boomed and echoed as he began a conversation with my mother, who was sitting on the couch reading the daily paper. At first I only listened because the sound carries. I heard the sound of two fizzing beer cans cracked open as the two sat down for a chat. Still, I paid little attention until I sensed hostility in my brothers voice and a series of “she…she…she.” Correct in my assumption that he was trash-talking me, I quietly slipped out of bed and pressed my ear against the door of my room.

As I listened, I hear him complain about my stay at the house, about the lack of respect I show him, about how I always turned on him no matter the conversation topic. I listened attentively, a glowing ember of anger in my chest about his nerve in complaining about me. Then came the shocker.

“We can never get along because she hates me,” he spewed from his shit-filled mouth, “She hates all men. She hates everything about men – working out, tattoos, tanning.”

The final part of his endearing message was a little unclear through the plywood. It was either, “She’s gay because she hates men” or “She’s gay so she hates men.” I’m not sure what qualifier was used because I was barely listening by then, I was too engrossed in the three items this person believes defines “a man.” Working out, tattooing and tanning? To begin, none of these things define manhood–in any way, shape or form. It just seems that my brother assumes like the old syllogism goes (All men are mortal, Socrates is a man, Socrates is mortal) because my he (my brother) tans, works out and has tattoos, and because he is a man, that all men tan, work out and have tattoos.

I fully support working out and tattoos, although I can hardly think of anyone who has supported tanning since the color orange and cancer fell out of people’s favor years ago. But that’s not the point. The point is that a person, a person that I am related to, thinks that I “hate men,” for whatever reason. Why does hating men come along with calling out douchebags for being so? For caring about advancing the rights of women? For dating women? I mean, if that is the new definition of man-hater, I can’t do much about it.

7 Comments »

Drew said:

A. I, too, have fallen victim to the societal “expectations” about what a feminist IS or IS NOT, and thus have shied away from calling myself one. However, I’m glad that you discussed, even in brevity, the sides that helped you identify with the word and movement.

B. The phrase “shit-filled mouth” is probably one of the most accurate phrases you could have possibly used to describe the situation. I appreciate your writing style because I feel as though I was actually in the situation, and my heart was burning with fire as if my ear were also pressed up against your bedroom door.

C. The three examples of manhood your brother used are hilarious, but that doesn’t negate the extreme frustration I feel. Not only because he’s your brother and it brings up the whole point of “family/unconditional love,” but on the larger scheme that there are DBags out there who really have thoughts like this. Makes me want to fight harder for the things I know are right.

3 December 2009 at 7:26 pm

Levi said:

I know your pain…My sister is totally awful like that and openly says homophobic and transphobic things (and generally she’s just a bitch). We (my parents and I) are hoping she’ll grow out of it or that when she gets to college next fall she’ll finally get knocked off her imaginary pedestal.

Your brother needs to try saying that shit around some REAL men (who don’t generalize their entire existence by tattoos, tanning, and working out and don’t whine stupidly about their sister who is OBVIOUSLY smarter and a better person than they are)…He won’t be pulling that kind of crap after that.
It makes me glad that I can clearly see that my little brother is turning into a very open-minded, respectable, and respectful young man (funnily enough, he says some of the girls he goes to school with think he’s gay because he’s so nice and polite to girls and women).

3 December 2009 at 11:49 pm

michael said:

My brother was a DB. He was awful. He started calling me “gay” before I even abandoned crushes on girls. He would terrorize me around the house, basically making it an inhospitable place for me. If it doesn’t kill, it makes you stronger. Now that we’re both in our 30s, he’s mellowed out a bit and is one of the more accepting members of my family. Time can heal wounds, or at least attitudes. I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him for the abuse yet…

4 December 2009 at 12:59 pm

Rain said:

As much as I love poking fun at any and all douchebaggery, the thing is this. As we grow we all form different opinions on the things we like and don’t we all for view one how we should or should not act and what is acceptable/unacceptable. You get the picture. You grew up (lord only knows how) feeling one way while you brother feels differently on many subjects. What he finds wonderful and normal, you find distasteful and vice versa. But who set the standard limits for normalcy? The truth is there IS NO NORMAL. Everyone’s version is different. What is DB to you is normal to him and what is normal to you is maybe just a little too truthful for him. This could go a million different ways.

But the bottomline is that maybe he is feeling personally attacked and overgeneralizing it out of sensitivity. Men like him are usually forced to assert their masculinity as they barely have a leg to walk on in that department so it goes without saying that he would go on the automatic defense.

The same goes for you. I don’t think this is so much a feminist problem as it is a Jean problem. Not that that’s cool, because personally I find you gorgeous, hilarious, endearing and a multitude of other affectionate words.

Is any of this making sense? I think sometimes that I am so judgmental of some of the people I heckle that I forget that at the end of the day they are real people who are just going through life the best way they know how because they aren’t as strong as I am to deny fashion trends and be true to themselves. Some people need those veils.

I’m done rambling now. I hope I don’t sound like I am defending his actions.

6 December 2009 at 7:32 pm

heidi said:

well done says this female reader :)

6 December 2009 at 9:48 pm

Wes said:

I am a man who does not workout, tan, or have tattoos, (so maybe that’s up for debate, here) and I’m also a feminist. It’s nice to see that other people, even women, have struggled with labeling themselves as a feminist as it is such a confusing term for some people. Now, when I come across women (or men) who don’t consider themselves feminists, I can’t help but ask them why they’re hesitant on identifying that way. It’s usually, as you’ve pointed out, for fear of being labeled a man-hater. I try to counter that fear with the assertation that feminism is just believing that women are equal to men, and should be seen as such in all facets of society… and hope they decide to see “the light.”

But kudos to you for exploring so many valuable aspects of gayness, “progressiveness” (though I can’t believe it’s progressive to be a feminist anymore), and family – more directly, the ‘black sheepness’ that so often comes with these aspects of us. You’re an awesome writer.

8 December 2009 at 7:45 pm

jimbo said:

Have you told him you hate him because he’s simply a Douchebag? (I prefer the term as a single word). It might clarify things for him. Like say, “Bobby, I do hate you because of your fake tan, tattoos and regular gym habits, but not because you’re a man. Bobby, I hate you because you’re a Douchebag.” Then maybe you’ll reach an understanding and start to bridge your differences.

We Are Douchebags:
tp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tqEBQjWRws

13 January 2010 at 3:28 pm