Out At Work Part 3: The Hard Cruise
The soft cruise, only slightly more appropriate for the workplace.
I’ve written about the intersection of queerdom and the workplace in a few other pieces. I haven’t had any new and noteworthy experiences in the workplace since, up until about a month ago. As I mentioned earlier, workplace turnover provides us with regular opportunities to come out to people. My organization recently hired a new employee, and I can tell for a fact that I don’t have to come out to him any time soon. Why? Because he’s gay. How do I know this? Oh, it’s so apparent.
My office is situated in a major hallway in my workplace. A mere 20 feet to the left of my office door is the primary doorway to the elevator lobby. This door is used on a regular basis by a large percentage of the employees on my floor, as it’s only one of two ways to get to the bathrooms, the elevators or the staircases to leave the building. I leave my office door mostly open throughout the day. Otherwise, it gets really stuffy in here and I have a hard time geting comfortable. My computer and desk are oriented such that I face this open door at all times. This allows me, as any good fung shui master or martial arts expert would recommend, to keep an eye on whoever walks into my office. I also have the privelige of keeping an eye on whoever walks past my office.
Most people who walk past my door simply charge past, busily on their way to the bathroom, the copy center or a meeting room. I have some pretty good relationships with some of my colleagues, many of whom are very friendly. The friendler of the lot will turn and look into my office as they pass by and greet me with a quick nod, accompanied by a nearly wispered “hey there now” and a smile. That is the appropriate level of attention I should receive from anyone. I am going to go so far as to say that our new employee totally crosses the line.
Our new employee, let’s call him Fred, gives me the hard cruise every time he passes my office. Out of the corner of my eye as I’m busily working, I see a figure enter into the area of the hallway framed by my door’s frame. About one-fifth of the way into my field of vision, Fred quickly turns his head 90 degrees with a snap and stares at me for the remaining four-fifths of our potential eye contact window. Every time he passes, this happens. For days, weeks, and going on months.
(For the record, this is the definition of “the hard cruise.” The “soft cruise” is when you check someone out without turning your head, as illustrated in the above image. Most self respecting gays do this all the time, in generally straight places. In gay places, if you want to look at a guy, you just look at him. And when you make a great effort to crank your head around to look at someone, and then maintain that gaze, that’s the hard cruise.)
At first, I was compassionate. I thought, “Oh, cool. There’s a new queer in the office.” The next time I saw him in the pantry, I introduced myself. About a week later, I saw him out at a queer event. Two weeks later, I ran into him while walking down the street holding hands with my boyfriend. Yet the hard cruise persists. What could be the motivation for such behavior? Did this guy learn work place etiquette while scrubbing floors at a bath house? Or is he hoping for some office friskiness? If I were a new employee in a large office, I would be very sheepish about staring down strange men while at work. I surely wouldn’t start sexualizing any attractive and possibly gay guy I saw at work.
Is my new colleague being completely inappropriate? How can I communicate to him that his behavior is making me uncomfortable?
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This is so annoying. I feel like less and less people have the basic corporate etiquette skills to make corp like bearable.
As far a what you should do, if there any way you can make a joke about it? Also if you are seriously starting to fell uncomfortable at work you need to consider how long/how much you will take before you considering it “crossing the line”. Once he does that you MUST go to HR. Another idea is printing out the sexual harassment policy and leaving it on his chair/desk…
Good Luck!
Just don’t look up when he comes. Or if you look up out of reflex, immediately look down. He’ll get the point.
The other two gays at my office (that I know of…) are both in committed relationships and not really of interest to me anyway. I do, however, have two women who give me the hard cruise every goddamn time they pass me, which is usually about 8 times per day. Each.
“…Two weeks later, I ran into him while walking down the street holding hands with my boyfriend. …”
Yes, him walking down the street holding hands with your boyfriend is highly inappropriate.
I have a similar situation to Hans. I work with mostly middle-aged women, and a few older out of shape men. I am the only young fit guy in the joint, and the way the women interact with me often makes me uncomfortable. At first, the compliments were nice, but there are 4 or 5 of them who go out of their way to be a little too touchy with me, or give an awkward compliment. They all know I am gay, and I know all of them are straight (mostly married.) It’s annoying, but it’s harmless. If I cared that much, I would establish stricter boundaries, which I have admittedly not done. I think you need to say something, possibly as a joke, like Jillian suggested.
I suspect that regardless of what occurs in the near-term, this person will not be your friend for the foreseeable future. Provided he doesn’t have the capacity to sabotage your worklife, knowing this frees you to be blunt with him. The next time he gives you the hard cruise, stare back and shake your head “no”. That may get your point across (it always worked for me in the past, but then again I’m not one to push ahead when I suspect I’m not wanted). If he doesn’t take the hint, you may have to let him know that you appreciate the flattery, but that you are in a happily committed relationship, and not interested. It’s an unpleasant few moments to get through, but it may make things better in the long run.
And if he is mature and recovers from the embarrassment, then some day he may even become a friend.
Sweetie, you should be thankful you have something, anything that might cruise you at work. Where I work here in P.G. County, it ain’t a pretty scene.
That said, a few casual soft cruises can be forgiven, but if the guy doesn’t get the hint and keeps cruising hard, change his status on Facebook to ‘Troll’.
Oh pls!
Everytime he stands at your doorway make sure he knows that you have taken notice.
Make a joke of it everytime he does it.
You have to make him aware of his own behavior.
Because if doesn’t seem to bother you why should he stop?
Problem solved!
Would being honest be a inappropriate suggestion?
Is he cute enough to sleep with.. That’ll solve that whole problem pretty quickly.
could it be he’s just not as comfortable in CorpWorld as you? Maybe he’s after ‘buddy’ in the more traditional sense of the word? God knows that in the early stages a lot of gay friendships are based one that commonality
Do the easy thing. Buy him a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s and ask in a kind way. A psychologist stated that her gay, male clients are often socially backward in many unexpected ways. Her clients often don’t really know the “ropes” of social interaction, afer having been isolated from society in many cases. In some cases, these guys may have had no peer group whatsoever. So, the best thing to do is to try a cup of coffee and a conversation. You will likely hear something that surprises you or that did not occur to you.
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