The New Gay » How Do You…’Do It’?

Not Your Average Prom Queen: How Do You…’Do It’?

17 December 2009, 12:00 pm 7 Comments

This post was submitted by Jean

The amount of times that I have been asked the question, “How do you have sex?” is greater than the amount of times I have been asked if I like sushi. (I don’t.) I, personally, have never cozied up to anyone at a bar or a drunken gathering and asked them to describe the intimate details of their sex life, the ins and outs, if you will – but maybe that’s just me.

I know some people are physically unable to picture “sex” without the involvement of a penis, or at least some “kinky” simulation, but here is a news flash – maybe its your definition of sex that is causing your confusion.

Photo by Michael Hicks

Defining sex is not easy – but it is important. Finding a definition seems plain as day for heterosexuals, but even the simple formula that is presupposed could use some tinkering. The very narrow definition of “sex” many people maintain is the cause of my semi-frequent awkward, “So, what do you mean when you say you had ’sex’ with her,” encounter with the prying ears of a semi-stranger, and may also cause adults, and more specifically teens and young people, to improperly evaluate their relationships and their comfort levels.

I think it might be a problem that, heterosexually speaking, sex is only defined by a penis entering a vagina. According to this definition, all the other glorious sexual acts shared between two consenting people are not “good enough” or “important enough” to be considered “sex.” This also means that young people who believe “sex” is dangerous or immoral may have little or no reservation about other
sex acts that can just as easily spread disease or perhaps be uncomfortable emotionally for them. But, you know, it’s not like they are having “sex.”

In general, I need to say that it is none of your business how two people have sex – but if we are forced to consider the topic, perhaps we should widen our definitions a little. All gay girls are not using dildos and all gay guys are not doing anal. Some do and some don’t. For those girls who do use dildos or strap-ons, I’d like to make it clear that they are not, in any context, intimating that they desire a penis in their sexual relationship. To some extent, the use of a silicone device really just emphasizes that point that for some women the penis that some men think all chicks want is simply a conveniently shaped object easily manufactured and purchased – not a gift from God.

How we define sex is not important for nosy acquaintances in bars – but it is an important discussion between couples or sexual partners. It is important that we widen our definition of sex to include sexual acts between partners that are intimate and, perhaps, that are intended to cause arousal or orgasm. Or to any definition we see fit – that isn’t extremely narrow and limiting. We all have “sex”, we just don’t all have “sex” the way we learned about sex during a completely nightmarish 5th grade visit to the Robert Crown Center, like I did.

Why should anyone’s sexual relationships be hung on a lower rung because penis-in-vagina is not a part of the equation?

7 Comments »

Rain said:

The Robert Crown Center!!!! A Chicagoland area classic.

“To some extent, the use of a silicone device really just emphasizes that point that for some women the penis that some men think all chicks want is simply a conveniently shaped object easily manufactured and purchased – not a gift from God.” Love it.

17 December 2009 at 2:31 pm

zack said:

OH my god, the Robert Crown Center. I had suppressed those memories.

17 December 2009 at 3:27 pm

Drew said:

True story: “I need to say that it is none of your business how two people have sex – but if we are forced to consider the topic, perhaps we should widen our definitions a little.”

I do think it’s important, however, for people who are going to engage in any sort of sexual relationship, to define sex (however broadly or narrowly the individual’s define it.)

Great post, Jean.

17 December 2009 at 6:06 pm

Levi said:

This reminds me of the scene in Chasing Amy when Banky gets all confused about how two women can “fuck” each other and Alyssa explains that “fucking” isn’t all about penetration and penises.

Alyssa: Let me ask you a question. Can men fuck each other?
Banky Edwards: What, are you asking for my permission?
Alyssa: In your estimation.
Banky Edwards: Sure.
Alyssa: So, for you, to fuck is to penetrate. You’re used to the more traditional definition. You inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky Edwards: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes, alright?
Alyssa: Fucking is not limited to penetration, Banky. For me it describes any sex, when it’s not totally about love. I don’t love Kim, but I’ll fuck her. I’m sure you don’t love every girl you sleep with.
Banky Edwards: Some of them I downright loathe.

18 December 2009 at 12:00 am

heidi said:

i’m not really sure i’ve ever been asked…..

18 December 2009 at 2:57 pm

Kyle said:

The absolute weirdest question I got along these lines dealt not with the act itself, but rather the preparation. I was metroing home from work and sitting with my boyfriend’s brother’s boyfriend, when the man sitting in front of us, clealy a young gay man himself, turned around and asked us if he could get some advice from us. He then proceded to ask us how, to put it metaphorically, one would clean out the basement (my metaphor, not his, btw). And right there on the metro we both told him.

18 December 2009 at 3:51 pm

zack said:

Kyle, “clean out the basement” is the best euphemism ever.

18 December 2009 at 5:34 pm