The New Gay » What If I Don’t Wanna Have Babies?

Not Your Average Prom Queen: What If I Don’t Wanna Have Babies?

12 November 2009, 12:00 pm 7 Comments

This post was submitted by Jean

In all my visits to Chicago, and now that I’ve permanently relocated here, my very favorite thing is visiting my niece. Although I majored in Education and I worked at Girl Scout Camp for many summers, I have almost zero experience around babies. Seriously, almost negative amounts of experience. For example my niece is almost 13 months old and today I changed my first diaper. As a kid I didn’t babysit — there weren’t a whole lot of babies around who needed sitting on, I had other sources of kid-income, and frankly I wasn’t really interested. I wasn’t into babies. I don’t know if I ever had a “baby doll” that I loved dearly – but in my mind I only hold sweet memories of stuffed animals. I’m not even sure that I liked being a baby — I submit this picture as evidence.

Baby Prom Queen Circa 1982

When I decided I wanted to be a teacher it was more because I truly and madly believed in education, not because I really liked kids. Now, I adore my niece in a way that I didn’t know my heart could bend, and making her laugh warms me in a creepy Hallmark way — but it also reminds me of my complete and total lack of interest in my own baby-having.

I don’t mean just not now – I mean ever. No babies.

There are several reasons why I don’t want to have kids. The first is simply that I don’t want to be a mother, and obviously that is reason enough. Beyond that, I feel like there are a million kids out there and I don’t want to bring one more into the world. I also have grown more and more selfish in my old age and I now believe my life would best be spent with a partner. Just the two of us. We keep the money that we make, we indulge in each other, we grow old together. I don’t think I need to add a kid to the mix to make that any better.

There are other, smaller, reasons, but I’m pretty sure about this whole thing. Hopefully, I’m almost old enough for people to stop telling me I’ll change my mind. But its not just that– its not just people telling me that I’ll change my mind as I grow older. What is really more difficult to understand are the looks of disappointment, of sadness, or pity for me. Some people really have said to me, “that is so sad,” upon hearing the news of my own personal choice not to conceive and/or raise a child. This is something I cannot understand.

I think having kids is great for people who want them (more power to you!) but I can’t imagine in what way it is SAD to choose to not have children.

This is how I see it:

If I had said, “I can’t afford this food,” I would understand pity.

If I said, “I think I’m not going to buy this yacht,” then there’s no pity. Right?

Surprisingly (or not surprisingly, if you know them) my family has not been the cause of this baby commotion. I don’t think anyone that is blood related to me gives a damn if I have a baby or not. This has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, it’s just them. It is outside people who give me the sadface when I say I don’t want an alien being regenerating inside my womb. (Seriously, I think the whole thing is creepy.)

Do only gals have to hear about how they MUST reproduce, or guys, too? I assume straight girls hear it the most, but gay girls and guys, as well? It would be a major dealbreaker if I went on some incredible date with a person who mentioned, casually, at dinner, wanting kids. Who am I, some seed spreading bachelor? Larry from Three’s Company? Am I the only woman who prays I fall in love with a person who has no interest in children?

Why do people who choose not to have children evoke pity from others?

7 Comments »

Lauren said:

I think it’s definitely societal pressure put on women to have babies. It’s assumed that there is something wrong with you if you reach a certain age or relationship status and are child-less. Great article. Thanks!

15 November 2009 at 3:01 pm

L said:

Good article–I’ve experienced the pity reaction too, or the awkward confused look of the person who just doesn’t know how to react to a woman not caring whether kids are in the picture…

21 November 2009 at 2:55 pm

Nick said:

Dear Prom Queen,

1) I think that you’d get an “Amen” from my partner when you say “Am I the only one who prays I fall in love with a person who has no interest in children?”

2) And because I know that I want a kid, reading this makes me want to search back into all of the conversations we’ve ever had and prove to myself that I’ve never been one of these people you speak of–to give pity when I should give applause. If I did, consider this my apology.

Sincerely,
Nick

28 November 2009 at 7:44 pm

Courtney said:

Amen.

(See above comment)

1 December 2009 at 9:09 am

heidi said:

i love this article and i completely completely agree. I have often cited the reason for not wanting children being that i too am selfish. Isn’t it better to know that now before i bring a child into the world? I like to think so. For as long as i can remember I have said that I didn’t want to get married and I never wanted children. Marriage is now a different issue altogether as I have realized I would much rather spend my life with a woman as opposed to the shapeless, nameless, faceless, but all too dominating and constricting image of a “man” that I thought I would end up with when I envisioned my future. Again I can remember saying these things at like 8 or 9. So I have definitely heard my fair shares of you will change your mind. Part of me says I most certainly will not because if I don’t have my stubourness, i have nothing! There is a part of me that is terrified I will wake up and desire offspring though i have NO desire to reproduce, i too think pregnancy is a weird, strange phenomenon that i want no part of. So Im relying on my siblings and friends to have children whenever i feel the need to cuddle a wee babe.

On the first date of my most recent relationship we took a stroll to a park and played on the swings. A small child came up and said “no me gusta”. My date and I exchanged looks to each other, got up and left. No me gusta indeed. It was one of the most romantic things ever.

That was my rambling about how I feel like you climbed into my head and wrote an article that I wholeheartedly can identify with. great job jean!

6 December 2009 at 10:23 pm

Pirl Harbour said:

Thanks, I feel the same way. Since I’m older now, I realize that it has become more common for lesbians to want children. I attribute that to more financially able single women. Or for a moment there I thought that lesbians who wanted to be moms, were doing it because it was the thing to do, to want to be just like straights, especially middle class women.

I guess it isn’t enough to demonstrate that we are taxpayers like them and professionals, workers of all kind and law abiding citizens, we need to ape their life styles too. That should show them we are not any different.

I believed aping straight people was morally wrong for my cause and my time. I guess I’m old school, and not saying I’m right. However, I always reveled in the fact that we are different. And that difference was an identifier that I preferred. Then again I’m okay with whatever gets you through the night. As long as it doesn’t disturb my dreams. Perhaps it is a comfort to know that so many of us are just like them and therefore entitled to their wants and follies besides their freedoms and rights.

8 December 2009 at 12:45 am

Baby Sweaters said:

It is good you are holding strong to your lifestyle. I chose to have two beautiful babies and I am glad I did. But it is a big change in life and you end up having to give a lot of yourself to them. If you are happy just you and your partner, it is important you life the life you want.

29 January 2010 at 6:42 pm