Photo by Hans Bruesch, TNG Flickr Pool

When you here the words “gay” and “wedding” in a sentence, you’re first thought is probably of two dudes or two ladies getting married. However, that’s not what I mean. For a long time now, an integral part of the marriage debate has been ignored. Meaning, the part that discusses what a gay person is supposed to do at a straight person’s wedding. Especially if they are with a date.

“Act like you would any other day” isn’t really the right answer here. Weddings aren’t usually the day for anyone to act the way they would any other day. It’s pretty much the exact opposite. For example, when I got to a wedding I generally shower, pluck my eyebrows and attempt to style my hair. On a normal day, I might not shower, maybe pluck my eyebrows and I let my hair do what it wants. That’s the thing with weddings. Everyone is trying a little bit harder.

If it’s a family wedding, you want to look nice for your family and prove that, on some occasions, you can look put together.  If a friend is getting married, you’re basically guaranteed that at least one “frenemy,” if you will, is in attendance, if not an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

The awkwardness of weddings goes beyond what you wear and what you look like, though. It can also come down to who you bring, though at this point bring a same-sex guest doesn’t have to mean that you are part of a same-sex couple. But there is one thing that determines that: the dancing.

My girlfriend and I have been to two weddings recently, one was for the sister of her best friend; the other was for one of her good friends. At both weddings, we had no clue about the same thing: whether or not we could dance. At the sister’s wedding, which was much more of a family affair, the answer was a pretty clear no. When the average age of attendees is about 45, it’s probably just a better bet that same-sex slow dancing isn’t going to be welcome. But the wedding we went to last weekend–the friend wedding–it was a little more blurry. A large portion of the guests were young people, which means a generally more inviting atmosphere. But at the same time, there were lots of family. Grandparents, Great Aunts, regular aunts, they were all there.

So, my girlfriend asked the groom if it was okay if we danced during slow songs. His response was, “Of course, duh.”

But still, neither of us really felt comfortable. Yeah, it’s their day, and what they says is cool should be cool. But at the same time, weddings generally aren’t just about the people that are getting married. It’s about the parents, the grandparents, and even the great aunts and uncles. Who wants to start some sort of family uproar by dancing to Etta James?

I know that visibility matters, and that in reality, there’s a good chance that no one would have thought anything of it. How many times have two straight girls or straight guys gone up and danced together as a “joke?” A lot of times. But still, I don’t want to have to pass off what I’m doing as something silly when it’s something real.

My girlfriend and I finally did get out on the dance floor for a slow song, but it didn’t last too long. The general awkwardness of queerness in a hyper-heterosexual environment was one thing, but you know what really didn’t help? That two-lady dancing (or two-gentleman dancing) is also just an anomaly to slow-dancing form–who puts their hand on the waist? Who puts theirs on the shoulder? Both go for the shoulder? Both go for the waist? That conundrum certainly doesn’t help things either. We briefly tried one hand on the shoulder, one around the waist, and when that got weird, we tried high-school dance style, which was even weirder. So at that point, we shuffled off the floor, went back to the bar and waited for “Shout”  to come on. Because that is music for everyone to dance to.