Being Single Is...: Individuality: Up and with a Twist.
Caution signs in a hallway in Vatican City, 2006.
I will try to keep this article short and sweet. It will be direct and it will be preachy. You have been forewarned.
Over the past few weeks, a common theme has woven itself into my conversations with my friends. Specifically, my friends who are in relationships. Most of my friends are in various stages of a relationship, whether they’re about to get together (on the brink of the “State of the Union (SOTU)” as my friend likes to call it), just got together, or have been together for quite some time. While I can assume that most of these people are fairly happy with the current states of their love lives, I have been approached a good many times with the same concern: the battle to maintain one’s individualism. This may be because I write a “singles” column or have a chronic case of the single-itis: who knows? Maybe, like my twin brother’s junior high girlfriends, I just have the perfect shoulder to metaphorically cry on. Maybe while my friends are indeed satisfied with their relationships, they see me as an outlet to entertain their currently retired single lifestyles. The question on the minds of several of my “taken” friends seems to be something along the lines of how does one preserve his or her individualism and at the same time reconcile it with one’s current relationship? Let’s talk about this and get it all out in the open.
Being in a relationship is great. I’ve been in them before (or so the fables claim). They are an awesome time to engage in the greatest experiment humanity has been toying with since we swung out of the jungles and went all bipedal up in here, which has led us to such joys as texting while driving, and cheering on Lady Gaga while she screams at our president. Relationships allows one to negotiate his or her being with another’s, many times resulting in a beautiful chemistry only obtainable with the aid of the magic of our advanced cognitive abilities, found nowhere else in the animal kingdom. Love is truly the most nature-defying emotion out there and for good reason. What other living beings, besides humans, make it a point to go to great lengths impress their colleagues? Some birds, for instance, may have spectacular foliage and a special dance to attract their mates. This is all well and good; but, to me, nothing beats some of the foliage I’ve witnessed out and about, such as along 17th street on a Saturday night. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’d love to see one of the drag queens from last week’s high heel race go head-to-head with a peacock. May the best man(ish) win!
But I digress. Even though relationships and courtship may be fantastic, it seems many of the people I know engaged in this sport are finding themselves concerned with what has happened to the individual qualities that make them unique. Can someone still be completely different, while still entertaining a serious, committed relationship with another person? One of my friends expressed his concern over him and his boyfriend being addressed as “you guys” in emails and texts. What happened to just Tim? Cal? Fred? My friend fretted that with adoption of “you guys,” he had vanquished his rights as an individual. Another friend confided that he is worried that, having been in a relationship with his boyfriend for several years, many of his friends have started mixing him and his boyfriend’s stories up. From their families, to hobbies, jobs, and personal tastes, he worries that his friends have managed to mix the two up, like an unintended martini of sorts, and poured themselves a big glass without asking permission. Up and with a twist, thank you very much.
I am not going to try and act like a couple’s counselor. I am in no position and have no sort of authority to attempt a feat such as that. But let me just say something: if you are in a relationship, even if you are very similar in many ways, as person A and person B, you are still very different. I’d even go so far as to say that differences are some the best things about meeting others and maybe even eventually dating. If we were all gay clones (“glones,” as a friend and I recently coined a group of eerily similar-looking, presumably gay, guys walking down the street), life would be rather dull. A relationship does not spell the death of one’s individuality. I have been attacked, through this column, as promoting the single life as the only true way to be an individual. This assumption is dangerous and wrong. While I strongly advocate for my single comrades, I have to say that relationships are some of the best times to develop one’s individuality. When else can you take such a close look at yourself as a person other than when you have another evaluating you in hopes of a long term union?
OK, so that didn’t end up being short or sweet. At any rate, it is important to draw lines. If you feel your individuality is being threatened by the person you are relating with, put it out in the open. Nobody needs me to tell them that transparency is the key to a successful relationship. Embrace your individuality, especially when you’re in a relationship. Only you have the power to kill your own distinctiveness, if that is even possible. What do you think, TNG readers? Do you feel like you grow more when you are single or when you are in a relationship? Is it valid to be worried about your selfhood when engaging in a relationship? Can the fight to preserve one’s individuality threaten a relationship? Should the two even be at odds at all?
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Great article Kareem. I think relationships provide parts of both worlds – who you are as an individual is emphasized and celebrated by that person who is in love with you. In a relationship someone is finally noticing all of the special little things that make you so unique. At the same time, of course, it is easy for two people to blend a little – and to be viewed as “one” by friends and strangers (even to the point of mixing up your names). The one good part of that? Being a part of a team or a pair can give you the strength or confidence to become MORE individual, to express who you are MORE freely because you have the support of another person, and because you can stop (for one minute) trying to impress all those other singles out there and just be who you always wanted to be.
Huge topic… more needs to be written about it.
While I do believe that it’s possible to be a real individual in a “relationship”, I might find it hard to be convinced of that possibility simply by observing the couples around me.
There’s a pressure for relationships to be a certain way, I think. It’s mostly unconscious but it’s there. There are different types of relationships, but most seem to be of the “dependent” type. Rarely do you see a couple who seem complete in themselves apart from one another.
I often feel torn between the two. There is a certain excitement to being single, but sometimes it feels like a tradeoff too.
Sometimes I wonder if we put too much emphasis on a single person at the expense of our social relationships with many people. We expect too much from a single person. We expect that person to fill our whole life and take over the time and energy that went into more youthful persuits. It seems like a lot of expectation to put on a single person.
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