Photo: Michael Hicks

–“Pretty Girls” by Joe Jackson

In a way it kind of sounds like a bad sitcom set-up: The guy who was raised as a girl can’t talk to girls!

Seriously, I’m an awkward, nervous little boy when it comes to women…And it shows. I say stupid and random things, get all fidgety and twitchy, and stumble over my words. Then afterwards (the conversations don’t usually last long, probably much to the relief of everyone involved in the grueling ordeal), I can’t help but think “What the fuck is wrong with me?!”

I know this doesn’t just involve women whom I find attractive or am meeting for the first time, because my female friends have pointed out to me how oddly and rigidly I act sometimes. It has been said that I blurt wayward compliments (“Someone in this area smells really nice…Very floral!”), and stare at the floor or some object in the vicinity instead of looking at them directly while talking or hanging out. All of these are things I do in order to prevent from being read as finding them sexually interesting instead of just friendly (even if I’m not romantically or sexually interested at all). I have been thinking a lot about why I tend to behave in this manner, especially since I have been trying to be more social (well…to be more socially competent). And I think most of my issue in regards to acting around girls has a lot to do with my childhood struggle to pretend that I was a “girl” around my female peers.

It didn’t help my case much in the first place with my peers – both male and female – that I was the kind of kid who always had a book in his face to the point where I would walk into things. And even when I didn’t have a book in front of my I would still walk into things accidentally, but at least that I was still in the realm of “acceptable.” Yet I knew very early on that proclaiming that I was not a girl and thus should not be addressed and treated as such was not a good idea, and would have to be a secret that I would have to deny and cover up to the best of my abilities. I also knew that I would have to hide any and all romantic (and later sexual) feelings I would possibly have towards my female friends and peers. Bobby telling Susie that she’s pretty and wants to go out with her is considered “normal”, Angela telling Susie she’s pretty and wants to go out with her is not considered “normal”…Especially not in a Catholic school. I’m sure many queer women can relate to this. This all drove me to set behavioral guidelines for myself when socializing with girls so that I could avoid the suspicion of not being “normal” and therefore being rejected and taunted even more than just for being “a little odd.” Let’s face it, schoolgirls can be way crueler and frightening than schoolboys. I knew that many years before Mean Girls came out.

In my primary and secondary school years these guidelines I set up were for self-protection and I didn’t imagine there’d ever be a time where I wouldn’t need them. But I’m not in those times anymore. My peers have gotten older and more capable or understanding and I have the option of avoiding them completely; I don’t have to hide who I really am anymore except in a few special cases; and I am able to branch out on my own and meet women who are accepting, may be able to relate, and might actually be interested in forming a friendship or even a romantic relationship without me having to cover things up about myself. The problem is that after 10+ years of self-regulation, I can’t just turn it off, and therefore I end up acting like a malfunctioning robot or a shy, nervous little boy instead of a charming, socially-competent young man. Funny how these things turn out, eh?