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Yes, Master: Have It Your Way

25 November 2009, 12:00 pm 7 Comments

This post was submitted by Master Aiden

Master Aiden is a professional BDSM Dom based out of Chicago. Check out his new column every other Wednesday at noon!

My new slaves are often nervous.

I can see why.

The media stereotypes portray BDSM as highly-dangerous, wild, and always-uncomfortable for every slave no matter who you are or what your personal preferences may be, implying that these scenes MUST involve elements that you yourself may not be interested or that you MUST feel pain in order for a situation to be truly sadomasochistic.

But, my friends, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Some slaves do, in fact, want the heavy leather masks and bodysuits (yes, just like The Gimp in “Pulp Fiction”; “Bring out the gimp!!!!!”), the lacerating and bloody whipping scenes, the pain, the torture, and so on, but BDSM doesn’t have to be that way if that’s not where you want to go.

Why do some people want the heavy duty, freaky-deaky shit? Because it turns them on. The pain stimulates pleasure for them and/or the scenario creates the embodiment of a fantasy, but all my slaves are 100% different from each other. Not all of them want lesions on their backs or welts on their asses (although many of them do). Some of my slaves just want to be lightly tied up, gently spanked, and forced to lick my boots which, although that can seem like a “weird” or kinky situation for some of those who aren’t very familiar with BDSM, isn’t very hardcore in the slightest. And that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what makes them happy.

What, in my opinion, happens sometimes with the whole leather and whips world is that people who are simply curious about spanking and bondage get really freaked out or scared off by the more extreme aspects of S&M that only some people enjoy.

This is not a contest to see who can be “harder” or more tough than the next Master and slave. I know that it can become that way which, to me, takes on a “Jackass” (as in that MTV show where these guys put themselves through all sorts of physical shenanigans for the sake of…..for the sake of what exactly?) element rather than actually delving into the point of BDSM which is to indulge what might be considered the more dark or taboo genuine desires of a person’s private sensuality. There has been a certain “I’m going to show everyone how hardcore I am by doing this, this, and this even though that’s not what really turns me on” tub of nonsense going on for a while in the BDSM community. My slaves must explore who they truly are, what the roots of their fetishes are, rather than simply creating a circus scenario that avoids the deeper subjects.

If the gateway for you is wearing leather while someone is applying pain to your chest area (for example), then that’s what should be addressed. Or if you only like the idea of your Master or Mistress being the angry school teacher while you’re the disobedient student, then let’s head into the classroom. Maybe a slave just wants to have their hands tied behind their back, kneeling on the floor, while they’re being told what a worthless piece of scum they are. I’m more than happy to oblige. Or think of it this way: maybe you just want your boyfriend or girlfriend to whip out the fuzzy handcuffs and give you and little spank-spank before fucking. That’s completely fine too.

The point is: Tell Your Partner If You Want To Try A Little BDSM.

Have some bravery. If they’re scared off by it, then that means that they’re boring and you should just break up with them. (Just kidding… Sort of…)

BDSM does NOT have to be scary or painful if you don’t want it to be. Perhaps it’s just the aesthetics of it or the roleplay element that really turns you on, and not so much the torture and pain that only some people enjoy. Sexuality, and how it’s expressed, is such a wide and far-reaching spectrum that’s it’s kind of tragic how people limit themselves to only certain activities. Are you curious about something? Then try it out. The worst that can happen is that you try it out, don’t like it, and then say to yourself and/or your partner “Nah, it was cool but it’s not for me.” No big deal, no love lost.

Go into a leather store. Go into a sex shoppe. The people there are always nice and open-minded. They’re not going to judge you or make creepy comments. Shop around and take notice of what makes your imagination respond in the best ways. You want to try out something risque with another consensual adult? Then go for it! Don’t be a big wimp. Life is too short for that so just go and enjoy yourself. (And take note: No matter how “vanilla” someone professes to being, they’re lying. We’re all weird, we’re all a bunch of pervs, and we’re all kinky. Everybody–no exceptions.) Saying “I would like some S&M” doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to end up hanging by your ankles over an alligator pit while being thrashed relentlessly with a bullwhip. Sure, you could be that edgy if you want to (feed the alligators first), but that’s not truly necessary for you to have an enjoyable evening. So grab a weapon to add to your love life. Even if it’s a short, sweet second and you don’t hit your partner very hard with your Dollar Tree paddle ball paddle. At least you tried something new.

And it’s more than possible that you’ll both get a rise out of it.

BDSM is fun, so try it out to whatever degree you feel comfortable with.

7 Comments »

Kyle said:

I am fully supportive of mutually consensual sex. But I absolutely have to stress in no uncertain terms that one should be extremely cautious about getting involved in an BDSM relationship (vet them harder than you would a potential mate, IMHO). It is far to easy to be victimized by some ego-tripping narcissistic “master” who’s getting all the jollies while you are slowly being destroyed for no good reason whatsoever. (Yeah, they can tell you there’s a ’safe word’, but in sneaky ways too subtle for you to realize it at the time they’ll let you know you’re being a wimp for using it.)

The apologists for the BDSM community are always saying how “safe” and “sane” it is, but experience has taught me otherwise. Don’t let anyone ever demean your personhood. NEVER EVER!

25 November 2009 at 12:24 pm

Michael said:

I just love that you used the term “freaky-deaky”.

25 November 2009 at 2:53 pm

Alex said:

Most of your examples and phrasing presume that the newbie is submissive. Obviously, as a professional dominant, you’re in a position to meet far more newly out subs than newly out dom[me]s, but I’m curious if that’s the actual reason for this slant.

Is there a large disparity of numbers between newbie subs and newbie dom[me]s? Are people more likely to enter BDSM as subs (and become dom[me]s later)? Do new dom[me]s suffer less trepidation negotiating their new sex interests?

25 November 2009 at 4:18 pm

Adam said:

I feel as with every sexual practice, such as leather or fisting, you should be careful as Kyle stated but I believe with everything there are going to be bad people that can ruin experiences for others. I think you have to build trust with whomever you decide to be with, whatever the practice. Great article again, Master Aiden!

26 November 2009 at 2:24 am

Master Aiden (author) said:

All comments are appreciated. Thank you, guys.

BDSM is definitely one of those subjects that lends itself well to discussion and opposing viewpoints. It IS a strange world unto itself and is certainly complex; all experiences are completely different.

Kyle–I hate it that you had some not-so-great experiences with BDSM. Unfortunately, I’ve heard quite a few people with similar sentiments about it and I completely understand why you feel that way. I hope that someone comes along that you’ll consider giving it another go. You are 1000% right about the importance of trust, the conduct of the Dom, and (yes) how dangerous BDSM can be (physically, psychologically, emotionally) if that dynamic is abused. What you wrote will remind people to be extra cautious of who they play with. I think that, with this article, I under-emphasized the MASSIVE importance of the Dom’s conduct and temperment and how that should always be taken into perspective. Is that person a genuinely good person? Or are they kind of a dick? How well do you actually know this person and how long have you known them for? And so on. If I ever forget to emphasize an important part of things, Do Not Hesitate To Call Me Out On It. Sometimes the things that are always stuck in the back of your mind fail to surface when they should, you know what I mean? Kyle, again, thank you for your comment and adding to this subject. You may have single-handedly stopped someone from being overly gung-ho with a potential partner and jeopardizing their safety. Thank You.

Michael–I’m glad that you appreciate f-d! LOL It’s one of my favorite terms and it’s very applicable for a lot of what I discuss. This entry won’t be the last time it’s used, that’s for sure…..

Alex–MANY of my subs are brand-new to the game and, yes, this article was directed mainly at newbies. The fact is plenty of people are scared of BDSM and for good reason. The point of the writing was to attempt to ease people who are new and curious about BDSM to try it out with someone completely trust-worthy because it can lead to fantastic, life-enriching experiences (and a whole new approach to your love life)…..when it’s done properly of course. Yes, from what I understand, there seems to be a disparity of numbers between newbie subs and newbie Dom(me)s. It seems that most people who become Dom(me)s did start off as subs except, strangely, me which is something that I’ll write about in Yes, Master entry 3. How I become a Dom is kind of a weird story….. And, actually, I think that most new Dom(me)s are more cautious when it comes to discussing their new interests than the ones with more experience. It takes time and comfort to get to the point of being able to clearly communicate what exactly the Dom(me) is expecting of the slave but every Dom(me)’s evolution is completely unique.

Adam–I adore you like always:)

28 November 2009 at 12:00 am

Josh said:

This article is right on!
I think S&M now is where oral sex was in the 1950s… people actually thought giving head was kinky and “nice people” weren’t supposed to like it (and it was illegal, to boot). That’s a hell of a lot of blowjobs people could have been enjoying that they missed out on.
I think in 20 years or so, everyone will be involved in some kind of B&D related kink, and it will seem perfectly “normal.”

28 November 2009 at 11:01 am

Kyle said:

There’s no way I’m ever coming close to getting into that scene again. Daily life has sufficient indignities of its own, having to submit to bosses, police, and other business and governmental functionaries and hierarchies. I don’t need to have my individuality demeaned in my downtime, too.

Again, people should be free to do what they want in their sex lives so long as it is non-exploitative. I do think, however, that a lot of kink can be explored without having to submit to an in equitable power structure.

30 November 2009 at 5:08 pm

Yes, Master: Have It Your Way

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