Forget what you’ve heard, and know, about Ms. Gaga. Sure, she’s a gay icon. She’s redefining fashion, even if that means recycling Róisín Murphy’s outfits—I mean sure Róisín’s fantastic, but Gaga’s made your shit famous. Most people who read this site might despise her, but secretly bump her music when no one’s looking. Let me come out and say, I’ve never kept my affection secret. But let’s talk about the reason Lady Gaga even crossed our radar: the music.

Lady Gaga is now following the major label trend—when you don’t have a new record, just put out your old disc with new tunes and call it deluxe. Sure, it’s a cop-out, but what makes Lady Gaga a smarter pop star than your Beyonces or Taylor Swifts, both of whom are releasing “deluxe editions” (even though Beyonce has already done it once. You think we’re stupid B?), the tracks that make up Fame Monster are not half-cooked B-sides, and lemme tell you, girl’s got B-sides for days. Instead, the tracks are eight new songs. All of which encapsulate the best moments on The Fame, as well as point Gaga to the future—all killer, no filler.

Also Gaga is nicer to her fans than most other pop stars. Fame Monster is not only available as a deluxe edition attached to her gazillion-selling The Fame record, but a standalone EP for those who’ve already bought the record. Because, c’mon, it’s 2009—you think we are really gonna buy the full record again, and not just download the new tracks (I’m still looking at you, B)?

After spending a day listening to the complete Fame Monster, which if you keep score like me has been leaking song-by-song for a bit now, I’ve compiled a track-by-track review of the Fame Monster, and yes dudes, as my column name states, I might be drunk right now.

1. “Bad Romance”

The first of four RedOne tracks on here, and the first single. I really don’t think there is much else to say about this track, as blogs have been posting it, and debating it from the minute it hit the internet. Yeah, there’s the video:

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga from Nikolas on Vimeo.

Basically, if you haven’t heard this “monster” think RedOne—dude who brought us “Poker Face” and “Just Dance,” plus if you pay attention Sean Kingston’s “Fire Burning” and Little Boots “Remedy.” All his beats sound the same. Take “Just Dance,” add a splash of “Fire Burning,” and you get the point. Lady Gaga is a “free bitch”—she can rehash if she wants to. But it doesn’t make the song bad. Actually, it is quite the jam to dance around to.

2. “Alejandro”

First impression: Who let RedOne [MSOffice1] steal Ace of Base’s “Don’t Turn Around”? Is it a requirement for all pop singers to have a fucking “Latin” track? I mean, Rihanna has just gotten around to it too. This is maybe the only “meh” track on here. It screams Madonna’s “Isla Bonita” (remember that one?) and ABBA’s “Fernando.” If you want a “good” song about Latin lovers, look no further than the Annie track, “Anthonio.”

3. “Monster”

“Don’t call me Gaga,” she states. Well, the fuck do you want to be called then? Not to get all shitty and punny on y’all, but like monsters this track absolutely kills. RedOne does it again with his traditional beats, and he even does his best Timbaland, singing underneath Gaga on the choruses. Yeah, the theme is played out, but you’ll be singing this one for days—I mean, he eats her heart and brain! Only complaint is the song is censored, and with acts finally getting around to just putting the advisory on and saying “fuck” there is no need to clean shit up.

4. “Speechless”

You know “Brown Eyes” off The Fame, add in a little bit of pomp, a “Don’t Look Back in Anger” intro, and Mr. Ron Fair, or better known as a judge from the Pussycat Dolls show and you get a decent slow burner from Gaga. She wails, and knocks out a song perfect for a set-closer or a rousing encore. Sure, haters would want to believe her chours of, “I’ll never talk again, I’ll never love again, I’ll never write a song…” but haters can be quiet .

5. “Dance in the Dark”

You knew it was going to happen. This is the closest you’ll get to Gaga covering “Vogue.” When you get to the speaking part referencing “gay idols” you’ll be calling fowl too. The song does bang, though. Once again she reminds that she’s a “free bitch,” and c’mon, she is. When the chorus hits, you’ll be dancing, and you can pick whether there are lights or darkness. This track definitely has single potential.

6. “Telephone”

Remember the VMAs? Well Lady Gaga and her costumes were seated right behind the aforementioned Beyonce. Well this track brings the two closer together. And if that didn’t make a thousand gay dicks rise then I don’t know what will do it. Yes, Mrs. “Singles Ladies” drops a (Sasha) fierce verse on this Darkchild (“Say My Name”) produced track. This is my favorite song on the record. It starts slow, but evolves into what should be the biggest single of early 2010. If it doesn’t become a huge record, then you can lock me in a room and play that Owl “I’m ripping off the Postal Service” City and Jason “I’m trying to get juice out of the lifeless hack Imogen Heap (of shit)” DeRulo song on repeat for a week (FML).

7. “So Happy I Could Die”

This little pop ditty is the last of RedOne’s productions, and is a mid-tempo number that could probably be good for grinding on the floor. It is pretty standard pop-R-&-B you’ve come to know from Gaga. Like the “eh’s” it takes from a previous Gaga single, there’s nothing much I can say.

8. “Teeth”

No, this song is not about what may or may not be growing in Gaga’s sweet spot. This track is a sexual romp full of horns, and looped samples, and a bombastic drum beat. Gaga handles vocals in a call-and-response, doubling a talk track under the main track, i.e., very Madonna. This is the most un-Gaga-like track on here, and it might be the best picture we have of her future. I mean, she can’t “Just Dance” forever.

Overall this is a great record, and though it might not make a lover of you, if you are curious it might delight. In conclusion, if you can come out of the closet, you won’t lose points for coming out as a Lady Gaga fan.